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[SIZE=3][/SIZE]I'm new to the forum and hope Ican post without making a book out of it. I have 3 children all living indifferent states. One married +2 small children, 1 single self employed, 1single + dog + high powered job. Usually we have Christmas at our place althoughthis has caused hardship due to high cost of flights etc, but we do lovegetting together. Eldest son and family have just moved into own home and wantto have their first Christmas in their own home as a family with us present ofcourse. My son who is self employed will go to wherever as long as he is notworking as that has to have priority and we all understand that. Daughter doesnot want to travel so far as it will not only be hard on her but also her dog,anyway she finds her nephew and niece noisy and mainly she would like to spendthe time just unwinding after a hectic year work year and another one to come.Husband hates to travel and be away from his own home (seems to be an actualphysical thing for him and I understand). The benefit of previous years is thatwith a 6 week holiday from school and my son and daughter in law not being ableto have time off work I have got my grandchildren and they stay with us, thenmum and dad come up for Christmas and New Year and then take them back with themin time for school. This year there are 3 weeks before and 3 weeks afterChristmas. My son knows I do not like to be away from home for that amount oftime and away from my husband. I have tried to work out how I can do things sothat I actually make life easier for everyone - such as have grandchildren herefor a few weeks and then going to their place with the children for Christmas,and then I feel sorry for my daughter being on her own when I am with my sonand what about my other child. I have realised that I am actually trying mostlyto make things easier for my children at the expense of my husband and myself.
So I am thinking that I should just stop this and let my grandchildren come toour house for December and then I can put them on a plane in time for them tobe at their own home for Christmas. My husband and I can spend Christmastogether and then I can go down after Christmas on my own (as husband doesn'twant to go and is happy to stay here) and spend January with my grandchildren.I've told my daughter and other son I can see them in February and they say areok with that.
Why am I over analysing whether I am being mean to my daughter if I go to myson and daughter in law, mean to my son and daughter in law if I stay with myhusband.
I think I just need some sort of acknowledgement that letting my children dotheir own thing (even if it is not their preferred choice - that is us allspending Christmas together) is ok. That I shouldn't feel bad that for thefirst time in 8 years the family will not be all together. And that maybe myson will enjoy being with his family in their new home because we can gettogether next year maybe.
I'd love to hear people's thoughts and hope that I have made sense. It is in mynature I know to want everyone to be happy even if it is at my expense.
I might add that they are all good kids who will say it's fine for me to choose and they are happy for me to do what I want to do, but I have to somehow try and believe it myself.
So I am thinking that I should just stop this and let my grandchildren come toour house for December and then I can put them on a plane in time for them tobe at their own home for Christmas.
Really hard to read all that... so I will comment on what I could.....
How old are your grandchildren?
If they are school-aged, they will miss school to be with you?
If they are younger, how will they fly alone?
Even living in the same city, it's very difficult for married couples to see their families over the holidays. I hated that our holidays involved spending a ton of time in the car and eating two holiday dinners with two different families. I don't blame your son and his wife for deciding to spend Christmas in their own home. They won't be upset if you don't go. I'll bet they extended the invitation so your feelings wouldn't be hurt that they weren't coming to your house. Since they have children, it's time for them to establish their own holiday traditions. You don't have to leave your husband or have grandchildren flown in for December. Spend your holiday the way you want. You can visit your son and your grandchildren any other time of the year.
Every family is different. After the first sibling married and moved away from home (in 1968) we probably had only two or three Christmases all together at our parent's house until our mother died 24 years later.
In my family once you were married you started your own family traditions with your own immediate family (spouse & later spouse & children).
Even before our children were married, one year our daughter went to France over Christmas to visit her boyfriend while my husband & son and I visited relatives in another state.
To us there is nothing "magic" about everyone being together on December 24/25. And now that our son (an atheist) married another atheist (born Jewish) those dates are even less "magic".
Do what works best for your family. Do not insist that everyone get together if they would rather spend time with their own family or with their in-laws or with friends or alone.
I think I just need some sort of acknowledgement that letting my children dotheir own thing (even if it is not their preferred choice - that is us allspending Christmas together) is ok. That I shouldn't feel bad that for the first time in 8 years the family will not be all together. And that maybe my son will enjoy being with his family in their new home because we can get together next year maybe.
As everyone gets older, they move into new phases in life. You are at the beginning of one of those phases.
For your sake and that of your family, remember that it IS OK to let go of your old idea of the "perfect" Christmas and open your heart to a new idea. A new normal for Christmas.
Soon your son and daughter in law can host you for Christmas (or other holidays) at their home.
You will have to have separate holidays for a few years. You may have Christmas with one kid in one month and the other two another month.
To maintain family harmony, flexibility and creativity are key.
Apologies for the letters being together in my first email. Not sure what happened.
Don't ask me what it is with the men not wanting to be away from home. I swear they have roots instead of feet.
My grandchildren are 6 and 8 and spend each school holiday with us as their parents cannot afford to take each holiday from work and they have no other relatives where they are. They prefer this to going to day care or vacation care and costs are the same and we love having them. Here they can fly unaccompanied over the age of 5 and its only a 2 hour flight. They have done it about 6 times already so are quite seasoned travellers.
I think the issue is me .......... I am after the perfect family Christmas, and while I know that ideally the whole family enjoys being together - I have to accept that as everyone gets older it becomes less feasible and must become a shared thing. Probably one year at home maybe another year at someone elses.
I think 'what will so and so think if I am not there', or 'if I go there instead of there', or 'stay at home' etc.
So yes it is about me. I must try harder to let go and not nag and constantly apologise because its not going to be what I consider the ideal Christmas.
Who knows - they will probably love a break from me.
Im really curious about what *you* want to do. The post is full of "shoulds" and seems to be driven by a sense of duty, which I totally get. But the decision should be about what you want to do. All your kids are grown, they get to decide what they want.
Many of us have that same goal of having a perfect christmas. I found it causes more stress for those around me when I do that.
I think the issue is me .......... I am after the perfect family Christmas, and while I know that ideally the whole family enjoys being together - I have to accept that as everyone gets older it becomes less feasible and must become a shared thing. Probably one year at home maybe another year at someone elses.
Many of us have that same goal of having a perfect christmas. I found it causes more stress for those around me when I do that.
One of my sisters was the only person who wanted the perfect Christmas. None of us wanted to go to her house for the whole extended family get-together. We all wanted to have Christmas with our own families via establishing our own holiday traditions for our children. For over 10 years, we dragged ourselves to her house even though we didn't want to. One sibling or another would try to back out each year, saying they wanted to stay home with their children, open gifts, and have a lazy day relaxing with their children. My sister would guilt everyone into going to her house. One year after her child became an adult, EVERYONE put their feet down and said NO! Mind you, our parents are deceased. The pressure must be multiplied by a thousand if a parent tries to force everyone to come to their house for the holidays. After quite a few years of not getting together for Christmas, we came to a compromise and have a family reunion picnic each summer.
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