Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I wouldn't play any card. You need to just be straight with dh and tell him no. Honesty is the best policy and there is no reason to hide your feelings from him otherwise it will keep coming up over and over.
How much will you really make after paying daycare for a newborn? Sounds like even after daycare you will make a significant amount - but is it really worth a bigger house and newer cars to put your four week old in daycare? It wouldn't be to me. I DID have my kids in daycare, but only because I had no other choice. At the time we couldn't have survived on one income. We couldn't even have downsized and made it on one income because my husband just didn't make enough at the time and in fact was laid off a lot of the time when the kids were little (so he watched the kids). But if it had been possible, I would have done it.
Seems like YOU staying home and taking care of the baby would be the perfect solution to your dilemma. Then MIL could have time with the baby in your presence, but you wouldn't need a babysitter while you work.
I would not let her do it, given her past history she is not safe, what if she were to have a triggery breakdown while babysitting your child? It's not worth it to save a few bucks if you can't trust that person completely. Don't silence your inner mama bear that is screaming to keep your child safe from potential harm.
It's THEIR child. Did the baby suddenly stop having a father?
.
I get what you are saying here, but there comes a time when a MOTHER has to step in and say enough.
Her reasons for not wanting MIL watching her baby: safety (with good reason)
Her Husband's reasons for wanting his mother watching baby: cheaper and to find his mom a job
Her reason trumps his reason any day.
The fact that the husband needs convincing that this is a bad idea says a lot about him and the (unhealthy) relationship that he has with his mother. You don't potentially sacrifice the safety of your newborn infant to merely find your Mom a job or to save a few hundred dollars each month.
He is putting her in a position that she should not be in. It's ridiculous that he is even thinking this is an option. I would be pissed off if my husband thought this was a good idea. I would be even more pissed off if I had to "talk" to him about why it's not a good idea.
I haven't found a post similar to my situation, so here goes my first parenting "HELP!" post.
My husband and I are having a child for Christmas this year (birth date is right on track for Christmas day), and it being the first grandchild on both sides our parents are eager to start babysitting. This is great! With one exception...
My husband has already suggested that we leave our baby with his mom and pay her for childcare. I haven't yet brought it up because it's a sensitive subject, but I'm not comfortable leaving the child with her at all unattended. She has some issues on the order of thinking that people (the government...?) are recording her in her home and occasionally talking about being, at one time, brainwashed and drugged (the latter part of which was probably true as she was committed ~5-10 years ago. None of this happens often and she is a very kind, pleasant, seeminly normal person and I get along with her well. But, as you might can imagine, her mental issues are still a little scary to me. She's also unable to maintain employment or regularly pay bills or taxes, and spends her days on the internet researching herbal supplements and joining class action lawsuits for prescriptions that she may have taken at one time. While I obviously don't dislike her on a personal level for any of that, it doesn't make me feel great about her overall self reliance and her being alone with our baby.
I'm pretty set on supervised visits only for MIL. The issue is how to address this with my husband. He sees a great mom who has raised 6 children (and she has, my husband and his siblings range from age 9-32 and are healthy, happy people), where I see an already mentally fragile/compromised person in an especially stressful situation (recent divorcee). Add to that the fact that I have no problem leaving baby with my parents or my father-in-law, and it starts to sound like I am picking on her.
I know that not wanting to have her around the baby unsupervised is going to hurt her feelings. How would you handle this? Do I sound like I'm being unreasonable? Has anyone had to handle a situation like this with a spouse?
My MIL is a hoarder - literally - like the ones on the TV shows. She also has several mental disorders (ADD, depression, fear of <fill in the blank>, etc.) that are either self diagnosed or diagnosed by her ineffective lifelong therapist.
There is no way that I would leave her alone with my baby - not even for 1 hour. When my first child was born, I told my husband right away how I felt. His reply was "no crap".
I don't think you can dance around this issue. You need to be 100% honest. He needs to know that this isn't even on the table. You need to let him know the gravity of how you feel about this. Otherwise, he will think it's still a possibility and give his Mom false hope.
If he thinks that you are the one being unreasonable, then you need to suggest that you both see a neutral party like a therapist and get an objective 3rd party opinion. The fact that this is even an option for him should tell you that he has a lot of issues with his Mom that he fails to recognize. My DH was like this early on in our marriage. He was clearly enmeshed with his Mother but he could not see it because that is all he knew.
How much will you really make after paying daycare for a newborn? Sounds like even after daycare you will make a significant amount - but is it really worth a bigger house and newer cars to put your four week old in daycare? It wouldn't be to me. I DID have my kids in daycare, but only because I had no other choice. At the time we couldn't have survived on one income. We couldn't even have downsized and made it on one income because my husband just didn't make enough at the time and in fact was laid off a lot of the time when the kids were little (so he watched the kids). But if it had been possible, I would have done it.
Seems like YOU staying home and taking care of the baby would be the perfect solution to your dilemma. Then MIL could have time with the baby in your presence, but you wouldn't need a babysitter while you work.
This is an option I would encourage the OP to explore.
Trading raising your newborn for a larger house, newer cars, and larger retirement fund may not be the smart move over the long term.
I realize the studies all say that babies thrive in the care of minimum wage strangers but when raising our kids I could generally tell the difference between homegrown and daycare raised kids. For one they, they often seamed needy, constantly with some owwie that needs attention or needing a drink or... They were constantly searching for some connection that no neighbor lady was able to provide.
Now that our kids are all grown up, ours have all gone to grad school, have decent jobs, steady relationships. This is fairly typical of many their friends whose primary caregiver was a parent. Many of their friends who were in daycare and after school care programs have good lives as well. Others, not so much. It's too small a sample to really make any sweeping generalizations, but in my experience, the homegrown kids have had fewer detours on the road of life.
Many parents don't have a choice, but if you do, I would encourage you to weigh your options, goals, and priorities. You may find that spending those first few years delighting in your babies gives them a head start that no daycare socialization can.
Besides, it's quite fine to spend your days cuddling with your babies. One of the benefits of being a mom.
I realize the studies all say that babies thrive in the care of minimum wage strangers but when raising our kids I could generally tell the difference between homegrown and daycare raised kids. For one they, they often seamed needy, constantly with some owwie that needs attention or needing a drink or... They were constantly searching for some connection that no neighbor lady was able to provide..
You have just described my daughter; who was never in daycare.
All kids are different; all parents are different; all daycare centers/staff are different. Let's not make working parents feel guilty because they have chosen to place their kids in daycare. I cannot tell who from my childrens' friend groups had a stay at home parent or who went to daycare; they are all great, happy kids.
Being a stay at home parent was the best thing for my family and yours; but let's not project our own personal needs on another person's life and pretend its one size fits all.
I get what you are saying here, but there comes a time when a MOTHER has to step in and say enough.
Her reasons for not wanting MIL watching her baby: safety (with good reason) Her Husband's reasons for wanting his mother watching baby: cheaper and to find his mom a job
Her reason trumps his reason any day.
The fact that the husband needs convincing that this is a bad idea says a lot about him and the (unhealthy) relationship that he has with his mother. You don't potentially sacrifice the safety of your newborn infant to merely find your Mom a job or to save a few hundred dollars each month.
He is putting her in a position that she should not be in. It's ridiculous that he is even thinking this is an option. I would be pissed off if my husband thought this was a good idea. I would be even more pissed off if I had to "talk" to him about why it's not a good idea.
Maybe downsizing isn't such an awful idea if it means being able to raise your baby...you might find that more appealing for the time being. 4 weeks is awfully little.
I think everyone needs to back off the OP's decision to go back to work. Some women are better mothers from working. I have many friends that went back to work with a newborn, the children are great kids. Parenting isn't a kne size fits all.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
