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We have a 14 year old son who has never been anything but normal. We have had the normal ups and downs of raising a kid with him, but nothing unusual.
The other day he missed the school bus, so I had to leave work and pick him up and take him to school. My husband said, "You know, he is always texting on his phone. I bet he was texting and lost track of time. I'm going to check the texting history on his phone to see if I'm right."
Boy were we shocked. He was texting the most offensive memes to his friend. Now, it was pretty one-sided, so I can't blame his friend. Horrible stuff joking about rape, Nazis, the N-word, just the most offensive stuff I could imagine.
I don't know if these were meant to be shocking like a troll or if he is really just an awful person. We have always taught him respect for women, minorities, etc. We took him to the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis. He has seen Schindler's List, Mississippi Burning and always expressed horror and outrage like you would expect from a decent person.
When we talked to him about it, he just kept saying, "I don't know" and "I feel really bad about this". We took his phone for several days and told him he needed to do a lot of work around the house to earn money to give to a charity. Maybe a women's shelter or the NAACP. He seemed to take this seriously and really did do a lot of work.
I thought this was all behind us. We gave him his phone back with strict instructions and the understanding that we would be looking at it periodically. Well, we checked it that evening and guess what? There they were. More horrible jokes and memes not even an hour after he got it back.
I'm seriously at my wit's end. I can't even discuss this with my friends because it's so embarrassing. Any advice is welcome. I'm at a total loss.
Well...no matter what, you should not be embarrassed. He is your son!
I guess if it was me, I would start contacting the kids that he is sending this stuff to, and asking them about it and him. They may or may not tell you, but I would also get to the bottom of why he is saying this stuff, and "I don't know" would not be good enough!
Tell him he's got freedom of speech, but as his parents you don't have to subsidize speech that you don't agree with. If he wants a phone, he'll have to pay for it.
Tell him he's got freedom of speech, but as his parents you don't have to subsidize speech that you don't agree with. If he wants a phone, he'll have to pay for it.
That's a good idea, as long as you can follow through.
Someone else suggested contacting his friends and asking about it, but I wouldn't recommend that. It's really embarrassing to a teen and would be better held in reserve for some major problem.
It's really, sadly, age appropriate. Both my older boys went through this. I tried to stop it but I failed and my husband and said it was just normal teen "humor". As crude, off the wall, shocking as they can make it. I bet he isn't a bad guy and doesn't mean any of this. He is saying it ...cause he can. To his friends. I'd worry more if they were coming through in his actual behavior.
I think just keep on doing what you are doing in raising and shaping him and not worry too much in his off color humor with his friends.
Do you know this friend he is sending this stuff to? Even though the messages may be one sided, if your son is continuously sending him this stuff, he must have some indication that this friend thinks that sort of thing is funny or cute. He wouldn't be sending it to someone who would be disgusted by it. If he genuinely feels ashamed and remorseful with his family, and still sends these offensive messages to the friend, it sounds to me like he's trying to impress this particular friend and it's time to find a new one. I would not only ban the phone, but all communication with that person. Not saying it's entirely the friend's fault, but something about that kid is bringing out the worst in your son, and until you figure out just what it is, he would be off limits.
I've seen sort of off color humor, some considered racist or mean, and some of it is kind of funny to be honest. But I would be concerned with stuff about Nazis and rape or anything violent or cruel. So I guess my reaction would also depend on the true nature of the posts.
Do you know this friend he is sending this stuff to? Even though the messages may be one sided, if your son is continuously sending him this stuff, he must have some indication that this friend thinks that sort of thing is funny or cute. He wouldn't be sending it to someone who would be disgusted by it. If he genuinely feels ashamed and remorseful with his family, and still sends these offensive messages to the friend, it sounds to me like he's trying to impress this particular friend and it's time to find a new one. I would not only ban the phone, but all communication with that person. Not saying it's entirely the friend's fault, but something about that kid is bringing out the worst in your son, and until you figure out just what it is, he would be off limits.
I've seen sort of off color humor, some considered racist or mean, and some of it is kind of funny to be honest. But I would be concerned with stuff about Nazis and rape or anything violent or cruel. So I guess my reaction would also depend on the true nature of the posts.
He has been friends with this kid only for a few months. It seemed kind of sudden, like he really wants to spend all his time with this boy. I've met him a few times, but don't know him well.
He did have a best friend for several years, but it sounds like they drifted apart when they started high school. I think my son was just too immature for the old best friend. My son complained that he didn't respond to his text messages and this new friend is very available and texts back immediately.
My son complained that he didn't respond to his text messages and this new friend is very available and texts back immediately.
I wonder if the old friend was offended by the texts?
I have no idea if this is "normal" teen behavior or not but in today's Internet age where nothing is ever totally deleted, it's possible that this stuff may come back to haunt him some day if a "friend" decides to publish/share it. Colleges won't like it and it's possible that down the road an employer may see it. Of course that may never happen but IMO something to at least think about.
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