Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OK, so I am going to be the odd man out and say that many people do think it's weird to be married and not have children if you were able to. It just seems like a very self-centered lifestyle (I'd gain too much weight, be too stressed, etc). For those who have children like myself I have to be honest and say that I don't understand your mindset. If you wonder why friends are distant that is why. Is it shameful? Of course not but it's difficult for others to understand.
I dont know what the hell you mean.... weird, how is it weird to choose a lifestyle different from yours and so called friends are maybe distant because they see how this couple get on so well and have more time and money.. isnt it better to be on your own as a couple and not have kids who maybe you want to use a switch or paddle or whatever implement some on here feel its ok to have been beaten with... if that is parenting then Id rather not have the poor children in the first place.. just check out the thread below this one for great parenting.. not.
I feel like society finds it shameful to have your own kids. It's like buying pure-bred cats and dogs. Why do that when you can adopt from a shelter or foster care?
I think it really depends on the society you're living with. There's no single prevailing world view.
I'm almost 41 and although I never wanted kids in the past I'm now regretting it. I have friends that keep saying "you can still have one" even after I ask them to please not say that. I think it's rude. My husband and I both work full time and can't afford not to. I'm struggle with 30/40 extra lbs. I have thyroid issues, highly stressed and at this point it would be risky....I just feel like people just don't relate to me anymore....friends with kids are more distant now. When I'm with people with kids thats all they talk about. People that meet me seem to wonder why we didn't have kids. When people ask if I have kids and I say no just dogs I feel an awkward silence afterwards. It's almost like I feel completely useless as a person. It consumes me now. I don't know why I just didn't try for a child in my early thirties....I was just so scared of being pregnant and dealing with more weight gain since I always struggled with it. The worst is when you find out someone you know in their 40's who you never thought would ever have a child is now pregnant.
Of course it is not "shameful" If you do not want kids - tht is your choice.
I have kids. but I had infertility problems. I wanted five, but I didn't get them.
Sometimes there are people who producing kids - but do not want then. Other folks wanted a mess of kids but were given one, two or none.
This is why there is ADOPTION.
However, if you do not want children - simply do not have them!
I guess I know now, how horrible people felt when they found out I was pregnant at age 42. I'm one of those people everyone thought would never have a baby; and shame on me, I did anyway.
Unless you are very wealthy, it is irresponsible to have kids in your 40s. When they are in their 20s and 30s and trying to build their lives, you are going to be late 60s and early 70s with health problems, and are going to be a tax on their lives. You guarantee that you won't be around long for the grandparent role. Plus, energy levels for 50 something parents are not what they should be for raising kids. The job is for young people.
Of course, it can be done. But it shouldn't be done. It's not rational to start having kids in your 40s.
Unless you are very wealthy, it is irresponsible to have kids in your 40s. When they are in their 20s and 30s and trying to build their lives, you are going to be late 60s and early 70s with health problems, and are going to be a tax on their lives. You guarantee that you won't be around long for the grandparent role. Plus, energy levels for 50 something parents are not what they should be for raising kids. The job is for young people.
Of course, it can be done. But it shouldn't be done. It's not rational to start having kids in your 40s.
wow, judgmental much? I guess I'll go home and tell my 12 year old he shouldn't have been born because I was in my 40s when he was.
And by the way, a friend just died in her 40s, after having given birth in her 30s. Guess what, she's not going to be around for the grandparent role. The age you have your kids doesn't guarantee that.
wow, judgmental much? I guess I'll go home and tell my 12 year old he shouldn't have been born because I was in my 40s when he was.
And by the way, a friend just died in her 40s, after having given birth in her 30s. Guess what, she's not going to be around for the grandparent role. The age you have your kids doesn't guarantee that.
Yes, judgmental means to exercise judgment. Rational logical judgment. We need more judgment and better decisions and less emotions and less tolerance for bad judgment. So yeah, judgment very very much. So let's be rational and judge the probabilities and likelihoods, and not the little anecdotes or one-offs. In general, and if you look at reality, and you are in your 40s when you have your kid(s), you will be a senior citizen at their graduation, and a bona fide old person when they are in their child bearing years and need their energy and focus. At that point, they don't need old fart parents who need attention and care while they are trying to raise their own kids and need maximum focus and energy to do that job optimally.
It is immoral and irresponsible to expect your kids to take care of you when you are an old fart.
Also, 40 somethings at birth, means 50 something when the kids are at maximum energy and need. That is too old. You can't do the job correctly at that age. You are starting to have your own physical problems by then, and generally aren't strong or athletic or energetic enough to enjoy a vigorous involvement with their upbringing. Also, most 40 somethings without kids are successful and engaged working people. That means either doing a good job raising the kids by quitting your career, or being a bad parent and dumping the kids in an institutional warehouse day care setting.
So, if you are going to have kids at 43 or whatever, the following minimum requirements would apply, and are NOT COMMON in most people:
1) Adequate wealth to stay home with the kids full time to raise them properly, especially when they are 1-16 years old. AND adequate wealth to insure that you will not be a burden on your kids when they are 25-40 and raising their own families.
2) Very healthy, not overweight, not diabetic, not already suffering from bad knees, bad backs, and all that middle age deterioration stuff. In other words, you must be unusually well constituted. If you are a typical fat and undisciplined American, it's no go. Raising kids properly means full time participation in all their adventures, and that takes energy, vibrancy, and youth.
There is the infrequent 43 year old who meets these requirements, and they can consider middle aged childbirth. It's still probably not a great idea since a 40 something can go from healthy to sick very quickly and unexpectedly. But at least some of the deleterious probabilities are addressed in a person of this quality.
So, if we look at it rationally, very few 40 somethings should have kids.
Now please, I don't want to hear from indignant people who had accidents at 42 and are going to deposit snarky posts to the effect that: "Oh, I should kill my kids since I got pregnant at 40,", or "I know several different 40 somethings who are GREAT PARENTS and are wonderful and peachy", or this or that nonsense.
We are talking general rational planning for the adult who has reached 42 and presently does not have any kids.
It's a bad idea in general for probably 90% of that population.
Too often, we do something and think IT IS OK BECAUSE WE DID IT. In other words, we become emotionally attached to our own undertakings and reject the better advice of others who don't agree with us. In other words, it must be good BECAUSE IT IS ME. That should be avoided. We should subject our decisions and activities to critical rational analysis and realize we are not magic and are not immune to the laws of logic, reason, rationality, and proper critical judgment. It is objectively and rationally incorrect to have kids in your 40s, unless you have the unusual constitution and assets described earlier. It's just a fact of life.
We get limited time on the planet, and the proper time to do things is determined by our predicted states of being based on our human nature. The proper time to have kids to insure their best possible upbringing is when you are young, typically 26-36, legally married to a committed partner who is on the same page, and presuming you are stable in your finances and lifestyle, and have a proper physical accommodation (read: a house) and proper money to do the job correctly.
In general, 16 is too young, 20 is too young, 30 is perfect, 38 is pushing it, 40 is too old, 47+ is way too old.
The proper time to have kids to insure their best possible upbringing is when you are young, typically 26-36, legally married to a committed partner who is on the same page, and presuming you are stable in your finances and lifestyle, and have a proper physical accommodation (read: a house) and proper money to do the job correctly.
In general, 16 is too young, 20 is too young, 30 is perfect, 38 is pushing it, 40 is too old, 47+ is way too old.
You may get some flaming for your post, but I actually agree with your premise. In terms of having the energy and enthusiasm for young children, I should have had them when I was 30.
But sometimes, life doesn't follow the optimum script. I've always wanted kids, but I also wanted to have them in the context of being married and financially stable, and that wasn't my reality when I was 30. I didn't get married until I was 34 (which is also when we, together, got a house), and the financial stability really didn't get fully kicked in until a few years after that.
So, what should I have done? Denied my life-long desire to have children because I was "too old"? I will admit that a rational case could be made for that position. But rationality doesn't always play into how we live out our lives, does it? Indeed, for those of us in a First World, upper middle class life, the mere act of having kids at all is really quite irrational, when you think about it. And yet, I go back to the fact that humans aren't always rational.
I'm 50 years old now. My wife is 47. My kids are 10 and 8. I have less energy than I did when I was 30, but by the grace of God, I'm still in good health. We love our kids, and our kids love us. We are doing our best to provide them with a good life. Assuming that the kids maintain a "traditional" schedule of finishing college in four years, I will be 63 years old when my younger one graduates. And if grandchildren are to be in the picture, I will probably be getting close to 70 before that happens. Would it have been better if I had been younger? Arguably, yes. But sometimes, that's not how life goes.
You may get some flaming for your post, but I actually agree with your premise. In terms of having the energy and enthusiasm for young children, I should have had them when I was 30.
But sometimes, life doesn't follow the optimum script. I've always wanted kids, but I also wanted to have them in the context of being married and financially stable, and that wasn't my reality when I was 30. I didn't get married until I was 34 (which is also when we, together, got a house), and the financial stability really didn't get fully kicked in until a few years after that.
So, what should I have done? Denied my life-long desire to have children because I was "too old"? I will admit that a rational case could be made for that position. But rationality doesn't always play into how we live out our lives, does it? Indeed, for those of us in a First World, upper middle class life, the mere act of having kids at all is really quite irrational, when you think about it. And yet, I go back to the fact that humans aren't always rational.
I'm 50 years old now. My wife is 47. My kids are 10 and 8. I have less energy than I did when I was 30, but by the grace of God, I'm still in good health. We love our kids, and our kids love us. We are doing our best to provide them with a good life. Assuming that the kids maintain a "traditional" schedule of finishing college in four years, I will be 63 years old when my younger one graduates. And if grandchildren are to be in the picture, I will probably be getting close to 70 before that happens. Would it have been better if I had been younger? Arguably, yes. But sometimes, that's not how life goes.
I'm just talking ideals and planning. Obviously people follow different paths, and in a free country, you can choose to have a kid any time you want if you are biologically still in the game. I am not speaking really to people who didn't or couldn't follow the best plan and are now happy families. One can do things the wrong way, and still get by OK. But, if one has a choice, one really should follow a good rational plan, and not an emotional plan based on irrational needs and impulses. So for example, the "my clock is ticking" argument for an unmarried woman is the height of irrational irresponsibility. The kid has to be the concern, not the ego gratification of having a kid. Unless you are happily married to a committed partner who also shares the desire to have kids, have moneyto pay for them, and plan to raise them personally without day care or other institutional stunt doubles, then your clock should tick tock tick tock and no child should be had. Better you are unfulfilled than to bring a kid into a single parent situation and condemn him or her to life without a father. Better to be unfulfilled than to have a kid who will have to deal with your old age just when he or she is starting out on the most meaningful part of their journey.
So if you are 43 and you don't have a wife, don't have a husband, and want kids? Get a dog. It's not about what you want, it's about providing the proper stable environment that is required to raise a child to adulthood. This cannot be done properly if you are oldish and/or single. To every thing, turn, turn, turn. There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
I noticed a post a while back on here , someone said having kids was for the parents insurance of care when their old....jeezus, I had four kids all grown up and Id rather take a lethal injection than expect any of them to take care of me in my dotage..... a part of life I hope I never have to face.. Im being straight up and honest here... there is no way Id want or expect any of them even my lovely girl to run after me and take care of me... never... thats now what children are brought into the world for....My own mother in law now dead was left out of four sisters to take care of her mother from 18 till 30... She devoted her whole life to her mother.. as the other sisters were older , married with families so they took a back seat and let this one woman do all the work with the mother who was ill.... Dont get me wrong I never heard the woman complain about what she had to do but surely these kind of duties with some families could be shared if thats what the mother expected... Id crawl round the floor first and get my groceries delivered before Id lift the phone to ask my family for personal help.. They all work and have busy lives with their own families and that makes me happiest.. their not my helper, carer or prisoner and never will be...rant over.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
