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I have ADD. I'd say the odds are good your daughter has it too - she sounds very much like I was at that age. Or ADHD. She needs to learn good study skills. Breaking work up into 30-minute increments can make it seem less overwhelming, for example.
This is partly typical adolescent stuff, but I urge you to get her evaluated. I was not diagnosed until I was almost 30, and I really am sad about all those years I spent struggling. It really detracted from my quality of life.
I don't think medication is necessary either just because there's an ADD/ADHD diagnosis. There are plenty of strategies to cope with it and come at challenges from a new angle.
But yes, please take her out to be evaluated. And also set up a little father-daughter time with her so that you guys can have a heart-to-heart.
And oh yeah, when she gets home from school, take away the phone. You need to make her understand that school is her job and activities and discretionary items are things that she earns by putting in her best effort.
Apologize for losing your cool. Not only are you showing your daughter respect, you are teaching her the value of admitting one's wrongdoing which can go a long way in this situation. I agree with others about LD's and tutoring. Middle school sucks in so many ways. She may be dealing with things she hasn't told you or your wife about. That's why I think its so important to apologize. IMO, this is one of the best ways to build respect and trust.
If any grades fall below a B in our family, privileges are lost. They are gained back once the grades go back up. I check grades online several times a week.
This is what we have in place as well. My kids know the minute any class grade drops below a B, they lose all access to all electronics until the grade is back up to a B or higher. We've done it that way for two years, and it works. My son is pretty much a straight-A student at this point, although he did lose his electronics for about a week last month when his english grade dropped briefly to an 84 due to a bad pop quiz grade. But he recovered and now has a low A.
My daughter is my trouble student - she gets As in the classes she enjoys, but struggles to keep high Bs in those she doesn't care for. She loses her electronics much more often. She also goes through periods where she claims she has no homework, but then I just log into Powerschool and can see all the assignments and can ask her about them.
I do not help them study, but I do require that they study in a public room of the house, not their bedrooms. That way they don't get distracted by radios or books or stuffed animals, or the desire to take a nap.
As for the OP, he needs to apologize to his daughter for responding inappropriately to the situation, and for cursing out his daughter. And without going into a lecture, he needs to talk about the importance of getting decent grades now because her schoolwork will only get harder since it builds on the foundational stuff she's learning now. If she puts in the work NOW, it'll be easier in high school. That's how I've explained it to my kids, and while they don't like the "work hard now so it's easier later" (they'd prefer "do less now, do less later"), they understand it and see my point.
Also, one new thing I've tried this year is that sometimes if my kids start in on homework as soon as they get home from school, their brains are too tired to do it well. So when I see them struggling, I make them take a break and have dinner, or go take a shower, or watch tv/play on their computers for 30 minutes, and then ask them to go back and finish their homework. 9x out of 10 they are able to focus again and get it done because they were able to give their brains time to "relax" for a bit.
rrah..... If Your Not some form of family counselor we are all be cheated of your skill knowledge and compassion and understanding...you hit ever point spot on !
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah
(1) You have two problems here: one is with your daughter and her poor study habits, and (2) the other with your wife failing to support you in creating a parental team of sorts or a united front as you put it.
First, apologize to your daughter privately. Apologize for the way your behaved and explain that it is not the way to handle a problem. DO NOT apologize for your frustration and for wanting her to study/do her homework. Next, ask her what she thinks the solution is for her homework issues. Really listen and come up with a plan together. No matter what the plan is, she should absolutely NOT have a phone available to her while studying at this point. It's a distraction for her. Instead of studying in her room she should be in a public part of the house. The kitchen table worked well for many generations. Suggest some ways she can set goals in studying. Small bits work well for some kids. For example she might read for 20 or 30 minutes and then be allowed to get a snack or stretch for a bit. Things like that work well. Also at age 13 YOU should not be constantly supervising her studying. Sometimes you need to let them fail.
As far as your wife, that is a conversation the two of you need to have. I recommend a soft approach at a time when neither of you are stressed out. I will offer this though--your wife arrived home after a long day of work, probably hoping to unwind a bit, and you "hit" her with the chaos that has happened. It could have waited. All of that said, parents absolutely need to present a united front to the kids. There were many times my husband and I disagreed about parenting issues, but we never/rarely undermined the other in front of the kids. Most times it was about minor things, and we were both comfortable letting it go. If it was bigger, the disagreement was discussed between the two of us privately.
I'm not arguing your viewpoint lkb, I generally respect it, so I'm mulling it over. But, as a teacher, are you honestly ok with a child focusing on her cell phone while a parent is helping her study? And a 13 yr old swearing at an adult?
These are the two issues to me as well. Your daughter should lose her phone for a significant period of time, because she has proven she is not mature enough to handle it.
Seems very Tiger Momish. I'm glad it works for your family, but I have a fundamental problem with children being paid for grades. It should be expected that they perform to the best of their capabilities. Be sure that they are following this rigor because it is something they want, as opposed to doing it either just for money or parental control.
I agree. This also could create an issue when it's time for the special snowflakes to get a job. They aren't going to want to flip burgers after school when Gramps is handing them hundred dollar bills. When it's time to get a real job after college, they're going to expect instant gratification and won't feel the need to work their way up in their career like a normal person.
It's one thing to raise a good student, and another to raise a child to become a responsible member of society.
Take the phone away and be a parent! YOU are in charge, not her! She does the work when YOU say, not when SHE says, and she does it in front of you, not up in her bedroom. She may hate you now, but it will pass and youll walk her down the aisle the proudest Dad in the world! I would also consider the fact she may be ADD or ADHD.
Wow, thanks for all the great replies. I really didn't expect to get that much of a response but I appreciate it. Unfortunately, there are so many there is no way to respond to all of you. I did read them all, though.
Just to give an update: I saw the first 5 or 6 responses before I left work last night and they were very helpful. I resolved that I would have a sit down with my daughter when I got home and apologize for my over-reaction.
I know some of you said I don't have anything to apologize for. But I feel like I really lost my cool in a way that was way over-the-top and did not set a good example for my kids. Certainly when I was a kid I had much stricter parents than my wife and I are, and I got yelled at many times, but in this case I feel I showed a lack of self-control that my parents never had even when they were very angry. I do feel that my wife and I need to be stricter with our kids and they need to respect our authority more. But my wife and I need to have some discussions about how to get to that point. It is not going to happen over night, though.
In any case, when I got home I still wasn't sure what I was going to say, so I spent some time thinking about it before going upstairs to talk to her. But before I could, my daughter came down and offered an apology first. It wasn't a particularly good apology. It was very angry, in fact. It went something like this: "Do you want to hear something? I'm sorry. That's called an apology. Something you don't know anything about because you can never admit you ever do anything wrong." She was fighting back tears and her lower lip was quivering the whole time so I know it was very difficult for her. I began to tell her that that is not true and I was just about to go upstairs and apologize for my overreaction. But she was in no mood and turned away and went back upstairs. A few minutes later, I went into her room and told her that I accepted her apology and I was really sorry for the way I overreacted and that it was not appropriate and I thought it was very big of her to apologize the way she did. She was still upset and just said 'Okay'. I left it at that and left the room and gave her space for the rest of the night so everybody's hurt feelings would have time to heal over. As it turned out, very early this morning I was scheduled to drop her off at the train station for a multi-day field trip. At the train station she was back to herself, happy and coming back to give me hugs three times before finally getting on the train.
Okay, I have a feeling some might say that I'm a pushover to accept that apology. But as I said in my original post, both my daughters are generally good, sweet, compassionate kids. This outburst was very out of character for her. I think we both pushed each others buttons that night and we both realized it. What I mostly wanted was for her to know that what she said was unacceptable and there had to be consequences. Though the apology wasn't perfect it was also a first-time offense and I know I played my part as well. I basically felt playing a hard-ass at this point wouldn't serve any purpose. I know it was very difficult for her to do and knowing my daughter as I do, I know that even though it was angry it was also sincere.
I appreciate all the suggestions that people offered regarding homework. Many great ideas there. Will definitely try to use them to come up w/ a better system than what we've been doing.
Several of you mentioned the possibility of ADD/ADHD. I don't think it's that. She's always been a good student before. One poster asked, "Is it that that homework just isn't fun?". I think it's that more than anything. She gets anxious about life sometimes. She's in 8th grade and she sometimes has anxiety about whether she's going to be able to find a job when she's an adult. It's almost like she's worried about growing up and it's happening too fast. She wishes she could still just spend her time just doing all fun things like it was just a couple of years ago. We have her in counseling for her anxiety and it seems to be helping some. Like many of you suggested, I think we need to come up with a plan that works for her and us and then implement it.
Thanks again for all the replies. You all were very, very helpful. You've given me a lot to think about.
Print out what you typed here - and only include the text - she doesn't need to know that you published last nights 'event' online... nor does your wife... Mind you, if either asks, you must admit it - but only if they ask...
Take out the parts where anyone reading it would know it was posted online, and let them read it.
Everyone in your household must read what you typed.
When your youngest is done reading it, apologize for how you conducted yourself (yelling). Tell her you are only concerned because you love her and want her to do better with her school work.
Explain to her that her 'comment' to you was out of line and will not be tolerated. Even when she says she's sorry, there are consequences to her actions, and there are no exceptions.
She must give you her phone that you will keep, for 2 weeks. She is not to use it - or any other phones, until she is given hers back.... in two weeks....
From today forward, when she comes home from school, within an hour of her being home, she must start her homework. She is to have it done before dinner. If it is not complete by dinner, there's no dinner - until she has completed her homework. Mom and Dad can look over todays homework and assist with whatever it is she needs help with. Use it as a bonding event. Continue to let her know you're only doing this because you love her... and don't forget, actions speak louder than words... no matter how loud the words are...
Good luck, please keep us posted on her success, and thanks for being a caring, loving, supportive dad... anybody man can be a father, it takes a special man to be a dad.
TUMF
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