Lost my cool with my teenage daughter... what do I do now? (support, parents)
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If any grades fall below a B in our family, privileges are lost. They are gained back once the grades go back up. I check grades online several times a week. If high school grades fall below a 3.0 then getting a license is pushed back by 3 months. Their Grandpa also pays my kids for their grades. The scale starts at a 3.0 which earns $300 and goes up per grade point by $50 to $800 for a 4.0 at the end of the semester. Also, we have our kids watch 'Where There's A Will There's an A' to give them solid study strategies. This has been a huge help, and that program helped me maintain high grades in high school and college back in the day. The strategies would apply to middle school, and there is a middle school program available on Amazon. Buy the VHS tape and take it somewhere to burn to a DVD. I set a solid plan of action for my kids study routine. Our high schooler puts in two hours minimum of studying per night and we set the timer. He puts in 3 hours both on Saturday and Sunday broken into 3 segments. He studies/does homework for an hour then takes a 30 minute break to do a 30 minute Peloton spin class or a run during the week, and on weekends his breaks are mostly movies. He then studies for another hour and then does ten minutes of push ups sit ups during the week. This is what your daughter needs. She needs needs a solid plan and routine laid out with nightly sub goals to achieve the larger overriding goals of good grades to learn perseverance, self discipline, and goal setting. It's like a muscle she needs to develop, and you need to be her coach for now. Otherwise, it's too overwhelming and difficult to tackle for a lot of kids. They need a plan and schedule to follow, and the adults need to set this up at first. Success will build on success, and she will begin to feel proud of her achievement. Now, you have momentum going in a positive direction as she has her first taste of achievement and success, and will want more. Later, she will likely be able to do it on her own. I highly recommend 'Where There's A Will There's An A.' My grades shot up after I learned those strategies back in the day! Read the review of this program on Amazon, and you will see that it has helped people.
Jeez....regimented! ...but also bribed with big bucks. This seems hugely controlling - especially checking on grades SEVERAL times a week. That's practically every assignment. I hope getting a C on one assignment doesn't push the driver's license back 3 months.
If it works for you great - but I'd be concerned about what might happen in college. There's a lot of room between what the OP is doing and your approach so something in the middle.
Bill, Sir you are a terrific man, husband and father. You have nothing to feel so guilty about regarding that evening. The fact that you are on this forum reaching out for others' POVs, reflects your self awareness or your desire for more self awareness. Sadly, I dont see that quality in a lot of people, esp not grown men. Its a virtue. So first things first- May I be brutally honest? Well, ***** rolls down hill. Moving forward, you must reflect all the qualities, you want to see in your ladies. Are you a procrastinating person? If so, make subtle changes to show how you follow a schedule & be proactive in all your many duties. Thats not immediate help & that will take time. Also, Im tryin to be gentle with what Im thinkin, but youre a strong guy, so Im just gonna call it like I see it- this has been a slow decay of your ruling status, amongst your family. You just live them all so much, you have taken the backseat each time one of your family members has called, Shotgun! Its time to take the wheel, Sir. Im not from the school that a wife must honor thy husband. But each vessel only has one captain. Raising teens causes clear lines to be drawn in the sand & consequences for crossing that line. Under no reasoning is it ever understandable for a little girl to use the F word, nonetheless use that word hastly to her own father- whom is simply babysitting her school studies, that she is more than capable of doing on her own. How many times did you attempt to get her attention? More than once? Too many. Hours of snapping your fingers. Youre not training a newborn puppy. Youre upset, I assume because you know she is able minded to handle such a task. Hold her to it. Before the blowup, she didnt even feel guilty to make u sit there to help her do her own work. That reflects little self awareness & insight on her part. Kids are selfish sometimes. Its the parents job to inform them at that moment. Its gonna hurt but you have to stick to your guns & fight the urge to coddle her. Now your wife. Im sure you have spoken to her by now. When the dust settles, tell her you want everyone to be happy. In order to do that, you guys need to be a rock solid team. She married you. Well she should be able to trust your decisions and always back you up- If not, a private convo btwn the 2 of u must happen. And youre to never undermine my authority in front of the kids. Shes not gonna be happy. But thats okay, Bill. A woman likes a strong confidant man, even if we fight it, at the time. Dont back down. Dont be a lunatic. Just firm. You did nothing wrong. Shes the one that cursed at you, her Father. You had every right to be heated. This is a wake up call. Get your grip before bigger issues rise. Youll be fine. Youre a heck of a guy & I resect you to the max. Good luck my friend.
"tells me she hates me, and if she ever said she loved me, she was lying"
not making light of your situation, but if you look at that statement objectively its pretty funny.
Lots of kids say the first part. Never heard the second twist covering all bases of ever having loved you. I know it hurt you in the moment, but try to get a laugh out of her creativity.
She's a clever little minx.
Clearly smart enough to solve her own homework problem.
You've gotten a lot of good advice. If it were me, I would apologize, give her a consequence for swearing at me and then matter of factly say something like clearly what we've been doing with your homework is not working. So, I'm going to leave it up to you to solve and if you need help let me know. Then I would step back for 2-3 weeks and see what happens. If I wanted to lighten the situation, I might find a pic of her cuddled in your arms, tell her she hurt your feelings and say I don't think you were lying when you were loving me here. I would leave it up to her to apologize or not.
Jeez....regimented! ...but also bribed with big bucks. This seems hugely controlling - especially checking on grades SEVERAL times a week. That's practically every assignment. I hope getting a C on one assignment doesn't push the driver's license back 3 months.
If it works for you great - but I'd be concerned about what might happen in college. There's a lot of room between what the OP is doing and your approach so something in the middle.
This plan does work incredibly well for us. The kids love it and thrive with it, and have plenty of leisure, freedom, and fun outside of studying. I went to a private elite high school with kids who went on to some of the very best colleges in the country, and went on to have great career success. I saw first hand with my own two eyes what it takes to make good grades. This is what it takes.
"Lost my cool with my teenage daughter... what do I do now?"
Don't beat yourself up, kids know parents are human too. This sounds like a learning issue, I'd have her tested. The slightest learning difference/disability can really trip a kid up.
This plan does work incredibly well for us. The kids love it and thrive with it, and have plenty of leisure, freedom, and fun outside of studying. I went to a private elite high school with kids who went on to some of the very best colleges in the country, and went on to have great career success. I saw first hand with my own two eyes what it takes to make good grades. This is what it takes.
While that might have worked very well for your children, many children are capable of getting fantastic grades without that kind of control. Both of my kids learned to study without bribes, threats of punishment, etc. It was simply expected that they would do the best they were capable of doing in school from the start. Both graduated from high school with GPA's in the top 3% of their classes-where a number of peers went to great colleges. One finished college with a 3.97 GPA. The other finished with a 3.8 GPA. Both have fantastic careers that allowed them to be completely self-supporting at age 21 with money left over to have significant savings.
It sure as heck didn't take that for them to be success. Glad it works for you, but there is not a one size fits all solution for learning.
You are the adult. You set the tone. It's your job to deflect a possible explosive situation instead of instigate one. You can't expect a 13 year old girl to be the calm one. Show her how an adult handles their responsibility when they make a mistake. She can't tell you to F off though. After you apologize have her figure out how she could have handled that differently as well.
Don't assume her difficulty in school is laziness or simple distraction. Ask her to come up with solutions Find out what is going on in her world.
"Lost my cool with my teenage daughter... what do I do now?"
Don't beat yourself up, kids know parents are human too. This sounds like a learning issue, I'd have her tested. The slightest learning difference/disability can really trip a kid up.
You could maybe talk to the teachers and ask them if they feel she has any learning weaknesses. To put your mind at ease, it is highly unlikely she would have made it through to middle school without having been referred by the schools for testing by the school psychologist if they suspected she had a learning disability. This is largely caught early on in the lower grades in first through third grades. The school would have contacted you at some point in elementary school if they suspected any learning problems. One disability that often flies under the radar though is auditory processing disorder, and this manifests as trouble listening, following directions, and early reading/decoding problems.
While that might have worked very well for your children, many children are capable of getting fantastic grades without that kind of control. Both of my kids learned to study without bribes, threats of punishment, etc. It was simply expected that they would do the best they were capable of doing in school from the start. Both graduated from high school with GPA's in the top 3% of their classes-where a number of peers went to great colleges. One finished college with a 3.97 GPA. The other finished with a 3.8 GPA. Both have fantastic careers that allowed them to be completely self-supporting at age 21 with money left over to have significant savings.
It sure as heck didn't take that for them to be success. Glad it works for you, but there is not a one size fits all solution for learning.
I never said it was a one size fits all plan. I simply gave suggestions to the OP based on my own success with my teens. You are the one who rudely and abrasively insulted my parenting style with my own teens who need a lot of structure and a reward system to help and motivate them. You should take your own advice that one size doesn't fit all.
I'm not arguing your viewpoint lkb, I generally respect it, so I'm mulling it over. But, as a teacher, are you honestly ok with a child focusing on her cell phone while a parent is helping her study? And a 13 yr old swearing at an adult?
Nope not at all. But like the father losing his cool, her behavior is a symptom of a larger problem not the cause of it.
Besides, it would be hypocritical for him to punish her for losing her cool, when he did the exact same thing, and unless I am messing up the time line, he swore first.
First, he needs to re-establish trust and credibility. So first the apology (hopefully she will apologize at the same time!). Then he can, at a later and separate time, address her behavior, ask her what she thinks she could have done differently, and maybe get her checked out for ADHD (some of those things he said were minor red flags and girls are woefully undiagnosed).
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