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Sounds like he is just trying to figuring out who he is. I would let the process play out, but monitor the situation and step in when you feel you have to, like with the drug stuff. That could all change a few years down the road, or it could remain the same. encourage him to feel free to talk with you about things, or solicit the help of your older children. They are young people in their 20s and can probably connect with him on a different level better than you. But always show the love and offer as much support to him as you can.
Sometimes the more accepting or encouraging you are of the weird things that kids want to do, the quicker they lose interest in them. I'd probably offer to buy a different color of eyeliner, or the waterproof kind, or some concealer to go with it...something to make him think that his parents think it's a cool idea, and then he'll get tired of it really quickly. I did that when my daughter wanted to wear 6" heels all the time...bought her a couple of pairs and encouraged her to wear them everywhere we went, then made sure we walked really far on the days when she was wearing them. She was over them in two weeks.
The drug stuff, though, has got to stop. It sounds like he's just experimenting and trying to figure things out right now but that sets the stage for more serious things later on.
The nude photos are probably a lot tamer than anything he'd find to look at online. All kids do it. I have a teenage girl and she's very interested in nude or nearly nude photos of men.
And the bi or pansexual thing...I think it's a phase kids go through where they have a lot of confusing feelings and urges and it takes their bodies a while to figure out how to deal with all those hormones. Sometimes girls get crushes on adult women and it's more about loving everything that woman has...the freedom of being an adult, ability to drive, nice clothes, nice figure, etc. than about wanting to be with that woman sexually, but it can feel like a sexual kind of crush to a girl without any real life experience. Maybe boys go through the same thing and just don't ever talk about it. Anyhow, once your son becomes sexually active, he'll probably figure out pretty quickly if he still identifies as bi or pansexual. The fact that he's not sure exactly what he's into probably means he's not sexually active yet. This is a good time to talk to him (in a non-judgmental way) about sexually transmitted infections, unplanned pregnancies, how to use protection, and about being careful when using technology (in other words, he should not let teen girls text him nude photos, or text nude photos of himself because of the legal issues and potential for embarrassment).
I'd worry more if he was suddenly doing badly in school, showing signs of serious substance abuse, big changes in PERSONAL hygeine, or making friends he doesn't want to bring around to meet you. To me, those would all be red flags that something more than the usual teenage stuff is going on.
The OP found the makings of drug paraphernalia in her son's room. This, to me, is cause for worry. Better to start dealing with it now, rather than waiting for serious substance abuse to kick in.
And I'm going to go against the grain of the other posters, and today's trendy nonjudgmental culture, and say that the whole "bi-curious" and "pansexual" thing is cause for worry as well. Yes, of course a parent shouldn't stop loving their children, regardless of what orientation they end up in. But a parent is also right to be concerned about the negative effects of the gay "lifestyle," not only social approbation but also the very real health risks that come with it.
I would urge the OP to explore this in greater depth with her son. Why is he "bi-curious"? What does he hope to learn? Is he aware of the risks? Is it a simple matter of wanting to sexually experiment, and maybe he figures his potential dating pool would be wider if he were open to both genders? Are there any messages on his phone that would indicate that someone is encouraging him in this matter, and if so, why?
Oh, and by the way, I would take the phone away, whether it's an effective punishment or not. He has not shown enough obedience and respect to his parents to justify having one. And if your own moral code does not allow for nudie pictures in your home, I would take them away as well. Regardless of how "normal" it might be for teenagers to stare as such pictures, you as the parent are the one who gets to set the standards for what is and is not acceptable in your own home.
Disagree. We have an "open electronics" rule in our house - nothing is secret. If at anytime I want to see what they are doing on their electronics, I ask and they hand over.
When they are older and have earned the trust, I'll relax on this rule, but right now, when they are both under 13 years old, that's the rule and is always obeyed. They still are learning what is acceptable and not acceptable with regards to the little bit of social media to which they have access - and sometimes it's a lesson that gets taught every day because my kids have yet to really understand that social media lives on FOREVER. They are getting there on understanding this fact, but until I know for sure, we continue with our open electronics rule.
I would not put up with any drug paraphernalia, including tobacco. Regarding the baggie of nude women, hopefully he did not close the baggie so they could breathe. If it was just nude pictures, though, he's a teenage boy. All teen boys look at nude women. Yes, even your now 29, 27, and 25 year old boys...they just did not get caught.
So what if he is bi? Or gay? Or whatever? He is still your son. Period. Would you suddenly stop loving him if he told you this?
And eyeliner? So what? Girls wear it. Why can't boys? Choose your battles wisely. IMO, eyeliner is not worth a fight.
Do you talk...I mean really talk...to your son? Or do you just tell him to do things? If he brings up ideas that do not mesh with your ideas, do you shut him down without allowing him a chance to explain?
Absolutely!
Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man
The OP found the makings of drug paraphernalia in her son's room. This, to me, is cause for worry. Better to start dealing with it now, rather than waiting for serious substance abuse to kick in.
[b]Yes, and the parents have set up an appt with a therapist - good start on handling that.[b]
And I'm going to go against the grain of the other posters, and today's trendy nonjudgmental culture, and say that the whole "bi-curious" and "pansexual" thing is cause for worry as well. Yes, of course a parent shouldn't stop loving their children, regardless of what orientation they end up in. But a parent is also right to be concerned about the negative effects of the gay "lifestyle," not only social approbation but also the very real health risks that come with it.
Wait a second. You jumped from being curious to a gay lifestyle. Sorry, not all who are gay are living the stereotypical version of gay lifestyle. Two totally different things. That's like saying that teens who show interest in the opposite sex are promiscuous.
I would urge the OP to explore this in greater depth with her son. Why is he "bi-curious"? What does he hope to learn? Is he aware of the risks? Is it a simple matter of wanting to sexually experiment, and maybe he figures his potential dating pool would be wider if he were open to both genders? Are there any messages on his phone that would indicate that someone is encouraging him in this matter, and if so, why?
Oh, and by the way, I would take the phone away, whether it's an effective punishment or not. He has not shown enough obedience and respect to his parents to justify having one. And if your own moral code does not allow for nudie pictures in your home, I would take them away as well. Regardless of how "normal" it might be for teenagers to stare as such pictures, you as the parent are the one who gets to set the standards for what is and is not acceptable in your own home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl
Disagree. We have an "open electronics" rule in our house - nothing is secret. If at anytime I want to see what they are doing on their electronics, I ask and they hand over.
When they are older and have earned the trust, I'll relax on this rule, but right now, when they are both under 13 years old, that's the rule and is always obeyed. They still are learning what is acceptable and not acceptable with regards to the little bit of social media to which they have access - and sometimes it's a lesson that gets taught every day because my kids have yet to really understand that social media lives on FOREVER. They are getting there on understanding this fact, but until I know for sure, we continue with our open electronics rule.
Until a few years ago, I would have agreed with the take away the phone, but there are so many reasons for keeping the child in contact with parents that I don't agree with taking it away. I like what Girl has to say about the open electronics rule - and that applies to email/computers/etc.
The drug issue needs to be addressed immediately. I wouldn't punish for that, at this time.
What I would do something about is the child's room. I raised 3 boys, one a step-son. My boys had grown up knowing that their room was still a part of the whole house and its state did have an impact on the rest of the house. It took a while to teach my step-son. The room has to pass inspection by noon Saturday or there's no going out, no tv, no computer games, etc. I didn't yell, complain, or check during the week. If he wanted to go out early Saturday, he learned to keep the room maintained so it was just a quick swipe/vacuum on Friday or Saturday morning - minutes.
Laundry by the age of 12 was done by the boys. If they had something special, they could ask me for help/advice but they had been doing most of their laundry (with help) since age 7/8.
Because of the drug issue, I would make it clear to your son that you retain the right to check out his room as you feel the need arises with periodic full cleaning being done together - such as quarterly. By not inspecting the room daily or weekly, you give your son some privacy yet his behavior will determine whether you feel the need to check. It gives him the opportunity to earn your trust - all over again since the drug paraphernalia is the cause of his losing it.
Eyeliner - such a small thing it should be a non-issue - same with sexual orientation
nude pictures - lol don't even address it - regardless male/female
mess in room - consequence fit the "crime"
drug paraphernalia - issue but not a call for alarm
I'm thinking something must be wrong with the kid if he had nudie magazines in his possession! Even Playboy quit making those!
Probably had his phone taken away so he couldn't look at the billions of nude photos on the interwebs, so resorted to what everyone did in the old days.
I would make sure he fully understands what bisexual and pansexual means, what it means to live that lifestyle. What that lifestyle looks at 20 , 30 40, 50, 60 years old. I would guess he probably does not understand. Kids are under a LOT of pressure to embrace and commit to alt lifestyles with no understanding of them.
I would also ask where he heard the terms from. Schools are passing around a lot of info that should be under a parent's domain. Find out what is going on at the school. Find out who his friends are. TALK with him.
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