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If he's 20 and still working on getting a HS diploma then presumably he is still intent on getting some education. Without a formal education there isn't much a 20 year old - or anyone of any age - can do, because - understandably - most jobs require some sort of formal education. At least a high school diploma. I don't think it's particularly important that he has no drivers license - if there is public transport available then that's good enough for now. Fewer and fewer people his age are deciding to get drivers licenses. My sister is 31 this year and has no drivers license but is a fully-functioning independent adult nevertheless.
As others have mentioned, maybe your son needs some sort of psychiatric analysis. I don't think kicking him to the curb is going to be helpful in this situation. Obviously you are not required to put up with him - nor are you obliged to give him a home - but I suppose that's your call. If you're okay with your son being homeless then go for it. Not all parents are willing to let their children be in that situation however badly behaved they are. My mother always told me and my sister that there's always a home with her if we ever needed it (but thankfully we both moved out quite a few years ago).
I'm sure your son will find his way in due course. I know people who were like him - in fact, I had a friend who was in exactly that position. He was 20, living at home, couldn't find a job because he left school with poor grades, was unhappy/depressed/even suicidal. One thing that helped him was going back to school and getting his grades up (something he was reluctant to do because he just wanted paid employment of any kind). Then he started an apprenticeship. Then he was given a job at the end of it. Don't give up.
Last edited by dunno what to put here; 06-12-2016 at 09:18 PM..
Do you want him to pay rent, and continue as before, but with respect to his parents? Tell him he has to leave if he doesn't pay rent, and if he refuses to treat you with respect.
You don't have to lose your temper. Be firm. Be sure that your wife supports whatever action you take. You need to be together in this.
After rereading your post I wonder if your son was ever referred for or evaluated for special education?
He is 20 years old and is still working on getting a HS diploma, does not have a drivers license, and spent $1,000 on some type of cards. That does not sound like someone who is functioning at a normal level.
Is it possible that he has cognitive issues, is seriously depressed or is mentally ill? Probably not, but has he been evaluated by a medical doctor or a psychologist? Just something to consider.
This. ^^^ If all your kids behaved this way, I would buy that it's something you did. But this sounds more serious. He sounds as if he lacks initiative, self-assurance, and planning skills, among other problems. These could be symptoms of depression or anxiety disorder. They also could be indications of learning disabilities. He really does need a comprehensive evaluation before you kick him out of the house. He could have some issues you don't even understand. Especially given he doesn't have drug or alcohol problems. I'm not in favor of babying him but if you put him out without the skills for him to stand on his own two feet, he could become prey to any number of sick people.
I'd be curious to know what your other children think of him. To what do they attribute his behavior? The fact that he doesn't want to drive himself is to me the indicator that there is something wrong with the way his brain is functioning. It's not anything to be embarrassed about. It's a problem to address. Be flexible in your thinking and please take some advice from people trained to understand him.
Yes it isn't working and when I get into that mode it isn't pretty and will defiantly get ugly! I CAN become a serious hard ass when I get to that level in which he thinks I have "anger managment" issues but alas he has no clue! If he still pushes on the room and board the next step will be to pack up his computer that he built and spends ENORMOUS amount of time on and store it at his Nana's house which he can get when he gets his own place. Its my roof
I get the feeling your temper has been an issue. Most folks who grow up around their parents become like them. Is his temper a reflection of yours?
I find it hard to believe that all through school no one suggested ADD, ADHD or ODD or any other issues that identify kids need additional support during their school years. He may be a kid that fell through the cracks.
How has he gotten along with siblings and peers growing up?
Were you aware he wasn't graduating?
I honestly think your family needs some help to get your son on track. Don't throw him out he needs a psych eval. or drug testing (they have home testing...don't involve law)
Then if he is just a tough love case you'll know better what you're dealing with. But if he has unidentified disabilities seek to educate yourselves and him before he lives on his own.
1.) Family counseling to address any issues in the home that could possibly have been your fault, your kids fault, etc. Discuss any possible disabilities that are preventing normal maturation if the first part seems clear.
2.) Tell 20 year old they have one week to move out. They aren't a minor anymore.
OP hasn't been back to address the question whether the kid has ever had any type of psych eval done or not. I'm guessing probably not but I think it's worth exploring. If he's developmentally delayed, that could account for a lot of these issues. The key is getting the right diagnosis first and then come up with a plan for how to manage it.
I knew a couple of guys like this growing up. Their entire lives revolved around playing MMOs that they had really no interest in joining the outside world. One of the guys lives off a trust fund so he set for life. The other guy got kicked out so he works a part time job and lives in the local YMCA doing nothing but playing video games on his laptop with internet sponged off a local McDonalds.
We tend to look down upon people who don't want the "full package" (ie: the suburban house, the wife, the kids, the 9-5 corporate drone job) Some people just live life in their own ways.
If he's 20 and actually interested in getting the HS diploma, but can't seem to achieve it, it sounds like he's mentally slow and to not expect much anyway.
OP hasn't been back to address the question whether the kid has ever had any type of psych eval done or not. I'm guessing probably not but I think it's worth exploring. If he's developmentally delayed, that could account for a lot of these issues. The key is getting the right diagnosis first and then come up with a plan for how to manage it.
I agree. I think this kid can be met with empathy and still moved along towards being independent. It is just going to take figuring out what they are dealing with and making a plan to go forward. If he doesn't want to participate in finding help to make these big steps in life, then you can be a "hard a$$", but if he is willing to work with his parents, then no need. Be empathetic.
OP hasn't been back to address the question whether the kid has ever had any type of psych eval done or not. I'm guessing probably not but I think it's worth exploring. If he's developmentally delayed, that could account for a lot of these issues. The key is getting the right diagnosis first and then come up with a plan for how to manage it.
Strange that hes never been back..
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