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Backstory to help this not be so confusing. My girlfriend and I have been together two years. We have a 4 month old baby girl and I love her with all my heart. A couple weeks ago my girlfriend overdosed on medication trying to kill herself, she may have succeeded if she hadn't told me she did it and asked for help. While at the hospital with her I had nurses asking me why she would do this, if there were any reasons she would try to kill herself. I had to answer these questions because my girlfriend was not able to talk, she couldn't talk for herself. I told them I thought it was postpartum depression. I noticed she hadn't really been herself lately but never thought she would try to kill herself. The hospital medically cleared her and had to send her to a mental health facility to get her started on medication. She stayed at the mental health facilitiy for a week and while she was in, my girlfriend's grandmother and parents helped out with the baby. She was prescribed depression and anxiety medication and she said she was better. When she got out she said she wanted to adjust to things a little slow, so we would go visit our baby, but let Hannah's grandmother or parents keep our baby overnight for the first couple days after.
It's been about two weeks since she has been release from the mental health facility and we have had the baby like usual, letting her gramdmother and parents take her on the days I work, so that my girlfriend can have a break.
My girlfriend and I had a lot to do on Tuesday so we got my girlfriends grandmother to take the baby for a couple hours, when it was time to go pick up our baby my girlfriend said she didn't want to, asked what if we just run away, do we have to go get her, can't we just let my grandmother have her? I told her no, we need to go get the baby, and asked why she didn't want to go get her, she said she just hates the same routine and that she is more happy without her. It took a lot of encouraging to get her to go with me to get the baby and she was upset the rest of the night. On Wednesday night we had her grandmother come get the baby so that we could get some rest, my girlfriend had an appointment with her doctor on Thursday morning and I was going to be helping a friend move. My girlfriend was happy all Wednesday night and all Thursday till it was time for me to work, and for her to go to her grandmothers to help with the baby. An hour before it was time for her to leave to go to her grandmothers she was very ill, not telling me what was wrong or anything. I went to work and texted her asking over and over what was wrong and she finally told me she just doesn't want to be a mother anymore, she doesn't want to live this boring life, she is only nineteen and now she is stuck raising this baby and she hates her life now, she said that the medication isn't helping her depression anymore and that she doesn't want help, she just doesn't care anymore.
I am lost on what to do, I have no one to talk to. I can't make her stay and help me take care of our baby, but without her I don't think I would get nearly as much help with the baby. I work a full time job and my side of the family doesn't have much to do with my daughter at all. I've been extremely stressed from money issues being the only income in the household and all the issues lately. My girlfriend is a great mother when she is actually around the baby, and I know she would never harm the baby.
What do I do?
Should I let her just run away, can I even stop her anyways?
So sorry to hear this. I saw almost this exact same situation with my ex's cousin and her husband, the only difference being that she didn't go to any kind of hospital, although she was VERY depressed, saw a therapist, was prescribed meds, etc. She and her husband were both very young, but he loved the baby and his wife and wanted to be a good father, but she just wanted nothing whatsoever to do with the baby and never changed her mind about that.
The end result was that they ended up getting divorced and he got custody of the baby, but he had lots of support from his family and occasional support from hers. (He lived with his dad and two of his brothers, so they could take shifts taking care of the child.) However, the baby grew up to be an emotional mess -- about 20 years ago, my ex told me that the child was now a young woman in her 20's, mostly homeless, a drug user, and drifting from one bad relationship to another. I hope there is a better future for your daughter.
My advice is that you should talk to your wife's therapist and get her or his advice. That would be much better than any advice that I or anyone else on this thread could give you. However, based only on what I have observed and read, if a child does not have a mother's love (natural or adopted), that is a wound that will always fester, and your daughter will need LOTS of therapy.
Sorry I cannot be more helpful, but you do have my sympathy and very best wishes.
P.S. You probably already know this, but love cannot be forced!! And so saying that, I honestly think that both you and your daughter would probably be better off if you just let your girlfriend go. Your girlfriend does not deserve either one of you, imo -- and neither you nor your daughter deserve having someone so immature, unloving, and self-centered in your life.
P.P.S. Also, based on my personal experience, as tempting as it might be to find another LTR in your life, PLEASE wait until you are settled one way or another with your girlfriend and your daughter. The last thing you need is more drama in your life right now!
Last edited by katharsis; 10-28-2016 at 07:09 AM..
You are in a very hard situation. Your gf needs professional help, as in a therapist, to determine whether she is post-partum and this is just a temporary situation or whether she really, truly, regrets becoming a parent. Time is of the essence here, your county social services can help find a mental health professional. Once you have those answers you have to make some very hard decisions.
Being a young parent is hard. Being a young single parent is very hard. Being a young single father is even harder still. It is not a question of whether or not you love your daughter, but whether or not you are willing to make the huge sacrifices necessary to raise a child as a young adult. I speak from experience my husband and I had one child, we were 22. She is a happy, healthy, well adjusted adult about to go to graduate school. It is doable. But I had great financial resources, strong family support, and a husband who was as "all in" as I was. But it is definitely do-able, even without those resources.
But while you are finding out what is going on with your girlfriend you should be doing some soul searching. Do you want to be a single father raising a baby? If so, start finding resources (again your county social services can help with this) and build a support network for you and your daughter. But if you realize you may not be able to be a single father raising a child, your daughter is very young, she and you still have other options besides just expecting an elderly relative to raise her.
You are in a very hard situation. Your gf needs professional help, as in a therapist, to determine whether she is post-partum and this is just a temporary situation or whether she really, truly, regrets becoming a parent. Time is of the essence here, your county social services can help find a mental health professional. Once you have those answers you have to make some very hard decisions.
Being a young parent is hard. Being a young single parent is very hard. Being a young single father is even harder still. It is not a question of whether or not you love your daughter, but whether or not you are willing to make the huge sacrifices necessary to raise a child as a young adult. I speak from experience my husband and I had one child, we were 22. She is a happy, healthy, well adjusted adult about to go to graduate school. It is doable. But I had great financial resources, strong family support, and a husband who was as "all in" as I was. But it is definitely do-able, even without those resources.
But while you are finding out what is going on with your girlfriend you should be doing some soul searching. Do you want to be a single father raising a baby? If so, start finding resources (again your county social services can help with this) and build a support network for you and your daughter. But if you realize you may not be able to be a single father raising a child, your daughter is very young, she and you still have other options besides just expecting an elderly relative to raise her.
Excellent points.
You said that your GF is only 19. So, how long did you plan and discuss and prepare for your baby before she got pregnant? Several months? Several years? Or, was there no discussion at all was the baby a "surprise"?
How long did you save money to be ready for having a child? Several months? Several years? Or, was there no emergency baby fund at all because the baby a "surprise"?
Yes, this may be post-partum depression, but it may be that your GF is just not ready to be a mother at this time.
Get counseling and decide what to do. I have an acquaintance that got accidently pregnant when she was the same age, 19. Neither she nor the baby's father were ready for parenthood. She had the baby and gave it up for adoption. She ended up getting married to another man about five years later, and after planning and saving and preparing had several children few years later. She once told me that while she always had twinges of regret, about giving her baby up for adoption, she knew that it was the right thing to do for her child. She said that she and the baby's father showed their true love for their child by giving him to a family that could love him, too and care for him much better than they could care for him.
BTW, do not assume that she will never harm the baby. Post Partum Depression is very, very serious and, in some cases, can last a very long time, even several years.
OP, this isn't directed at you:
It is so sad that some people don't realize that it isn't all cuddles, smiles and sleeping darlings when they decide to have a baby.
Babies are life changers, and if you aren't prepared to think it out and realize how much work and expense they are, then you'd better reconsider having one.
OP, I feel so badly for you. If you love your wife, then somehow stick it out and do what you can for the baby right now. Your wife might be going through a phase of baby blues, or she might have a "normal" depression which are both debilitating. Hopefully, the medication will help her come around to caring about your child.
She might come around when the baby is a toddler or older. If not, then I think that your baby is a lucky baby to have you as a father. Plenty of kids are raised by a good loving father and have done well in their lives. Good luck!
I'm a married dad with two young children, one 3 years, the other 6 months.
My wife has always struggled with depression problems, and has always worked with professionals to address them. We were aware of this before our first was born, and were prepared to deal with PPD. With our first I believe she experienced it to a degree, but not as sever as your GF. It is a huge change in lifestyle, and she is at home so I can understand the monotony.
She worked with professionals and got through it. The first year or so of a child's life, and especially the first 6 months are very hard. Babies require constant attention and can't do anything for themselves. It is a lot more of a mental/emotional drain to care for an infant than many people give credit for.
Ensure that she keeps working with professionals. It may help if you can reason with her that it does eventually get easier. Once your baby develops more of a personality and becomes a bit more independent life gets a lot better. It's okay to not like taking care of a baby. In fact my wife and I openly talk about how we love our 6 month old daughter but hate so many aspects of the baby stage.
Get her to seek help. A professional can help determine if it's postpartum or she just really doesn't want to be a mother. A professional can help her come up with a game plan and get the medications and therapy she may need. They can also counsel you on how to help her out or how to handle the situation best. As someone who had severe postpartum depression I know it sucks to be told you need help but in hindsight I'm so glad I did. Stand by her side through it and you'll come out stronger than ever. Good luck!
It can take weeks for antidepressants to start working. It's not a magic pill that makes you feel better as soon as you take it. And sometimes people who are very depressed don't feel like they deserve to feel better and they'll stop taking their meds if you don't watch out for that happening.
Right now I wouldn't leave the baby alone with her. It's horrible to say that, but people sometimes do really bad things when they're scared and hurting.
It is too bad you decided to shack up with a 19 year old and have a baby. Of course your gf feels trapped and like her options are limited, because they are.
Sorry to be so blunt. You need to take charge of the baby's wellbeing. This might be (hopefully) just helping gf through a short bout of PPD or adjustment, to splitting up, with you taking full custody.
I wish you luck. If I lived near you, I'd babysit.
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