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Your house, your rules. If she can't abide by them she should get that second job and move out on her own. Even if she was contributing, which you said she isn't, this is your house.
I don't see the big deal. They've been dating for months and are probably having sex already anyways. I plan to have the rule that once my son is 18 he can have overnight guests if they're in a serious committed relationship.
She grew up and is a 20 year old adult and he is 22. What do you expect?
You have a choice to make. Are you going to continue with the stance she can't have a boyfriend in her room or is she going to go to his place and sooner than later shack up with him? That is where this is headed.
As for him having a girlfriend and hiding it from your daughter for a couple of months....that is typical late teens early twenties dating. You always keep the piece you are getting until you find the new one you like better. Pieces of a$$ are like jobs, it is harder to find one when you don't have one so always find another before you leave the current one. That is dating 101, everybody should know that for crying out loud. Then you mentioned she dated him for 3 months before introducing him to you, the parents.....if you want to lose a new boyfriend, take him home to meet your parents in the first few months. lol Most guys will think "whoa, she wants me to meet her parents. I'm not trying to get married yet."
As for him having a girlfriend and hiding it from your daughter for a couple of months....that is typical late teens early twenties dating. You always keep the piece you are getting until you find the new one you like better. Pieces of a$$ are like jobs, it is harder to find one when you don't have one so always find another before you leave the current one. That is dating 101, everybody should know that for crying out loud. Then you mentioned she dated him for 3 months before introducing him to you, the parents.....if you want to lose a new boyfriend, take him home to meet your parents in the first few months. lol Most guys will think "whoa, she wants me to meet her parents. I'm not trying to get married yet."
Yup. He will be gone in 2-3 months. Guys in their early 20's do not want to settle down. The first hint he gets that she wants to be serious, or the first time his buddies want to hang out and she wants him to go do something with her, will be the beginning of the end. The only hope is she doesn't make any drastic choices (like quit college, or become pregnant) in the interm.
I agree with the sentiment of "your house, your rules". She's of the age now where she could contribute to the household, especially if she's working. No reason why she cannot contribute $50/week or so just to cover food expenses and whatnot.
At the same time...she is 20 and he is 22. I think my parents were married with their first kid (me) by that point. As a resident of the household, there is a certain level of privacy she should be able to expect at least in her own room.
Sit and talk with her and stress how she needs to keep focused on here goals because guys come and go. Set guidelines for your household rules, and listen to her requests and compromise.
It's easy to say "Your house, your rules," and try to bring the hammer down, but the reality is that she is not your little girl anymore, so you need to stop treating her as if she were 14, and stop expecting to be along for every step of her romantic life ("she dated him 3 months before we met him!!!") or limiting her activities as if she were a child.
At the same time, she is old enough to sit down and be told your dilemma about not wanting to raise an 11-year-old in an environment where his/her sister is humping her boyfriend under a blanket in the family room.
Just recalibrate your emotions so you can stop pining for "your little girl" and help her navigate these tough times of figuring out relationships.
Don't shame her into "going underground" with her activities. Set reasonable limits you all can abide by. And encourage her to stay in school by giving her a tangible goal to work toward. Right now her goal seems to be "to get privacy and alone time with the BF." She needs alternatives.
If you're always just the source of disapproval at home, she will do everything she can to get away from you.
She's 20, not fourteen. She can spoon with a guy, for heaven's sake.
The idea of forbidding a normal adult from going into her own room with a normal visitor is nuts to me, honestly. Worst case scenario, consenting adults have sex. More likely they just talk and canoodle some, given that sneaky sex where your parents might pound on the door at any moment is not exactly fun.
Your "little girl" grew up. You need to work on your hangups if you're going to have a healthy relationship with the adult daughter you actually currently have, rather than the child you once had.
No, she didn't or they would be doing whatever they are doing at her place, not her parents place. She's 20 not 14, a fully functioning adult who should be able to take care of herself.
I don't consider it bringing the hammer down. Show some respect in my house that you are NOT contributing to. If you want to play by your rules move out and, by all means, live the way you want to.
I don't think it is asking too much to follow a few simple requests.
So many parents are afraid their child won't like them. You are not supposed to be your child's best friend. You are his/her parent. They already have friends.
No, she didn't or they would be doing whatever they are doing at her place, not her parents place. She's 20 not 14, a fully functioning adult who should be able to take care of herself.
"Should be" but isn't. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
She has aged, but she hasn't "grown up."
Most college kids I know, while they COULD be taking care of themselves, do not live independently and still consider themselves part of their parents' household, since that is where they go on breaks. This girl apparently is a commuter student, which blurs the boundaries even more.
To be fair, Mom hasn't "grown up" either, and she obviously still pictures her daughter as a child and not an adult. That certainly isn't helping the situation.
So many parents are afraid their child won't like them. You are not supposed to be your child's best friend.
This doesn't sound like a case of a mom trying to be a friend. This mom, based on her own wording, clearly still sees her daughter as a child and is still trying to parent her that way.
Respect has to be taught throughout the entire lifetime of a child. All she has to do now is sit her down and explain their new reality, with the new demands that come with it, but Mom has to accept the new reality herself first.
You are entitled to have whatever rules you want in your own home. Your daughter can comply, or get other living arrangements. If I were in your place, I would feel the same as you. If your daughter was finished with school, self supporting, and seeing a man you approved of, I bet you would feel differently.
We have never allowed any hanky pinky by the kids in our home until they were independent adults. Then we were ok with it. And if, for example, grandchildren were visiting at the same time, we didn't allow it then either.
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