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People make rude comments all the time. The ones we get upset about say more about US then THEM. The OP needs to ask herself why this particular comment made her so upset she is posting on a forum about it. And she is, of course, free to associate with whomever she chooses.
If someone came into my home, and tried to shame my adult daughter about not having children, I would take that very personally. This is not good behavior of a guest in someone else's home. That person would not be my friend anymore. So I think the OP, as well as her mother, has every right to feel disgust at this woman gloating about the fact she has a child and the OP does not.
We do not know all the reasons why someone doesn't have children. For the OP she said it's been her financial situation. Many people have been through miscarriages, over and over again or they may have even had a stillborn child; or they may have had an attempted adoption that fell through. We do not know, and not everyone tells their story, some keep it private. Some people assume that married couples without children are "putting it off". Assumptions are often very, very, very wrong. We also can't assume it was because the woman was overly involved in her career. But even is she was, that's no one else's business - truly, it's not. Also, there is no guarantee for women even if they do everything and get all their ducks in a row, they might wind up married to a man with infertility problems, which is very common but something many people aren't aware of.
I had a friend who after she had a baby, was so proud of herself then she'd go around asking everyone else if they didn't have kids, then why not. She asked an important client at her company business this question and he complained about it behind her back to her higher-up. He was offended. She almost got fired. I would support the idea of her employer firing her for that. Delving into such personal issues in a work environment with a business client is unprofessional.
The following happened when I was 27. I was single at the time. I was at my mother's for the weekend(I'm her only child). A married couple with two kids, ages five years and six months, came over for a few hours. The wife is five years older than me.They aren't close friends, but my mom knew the woman's parents years back and we helped them out when they settled in our area. Anyhow, my mother was playing with their daughter and being very affectionate, as many people are around kids. This woman looks at me and says with a smile on her face:
"[Mother's name] doesn't have a granddaughter".
I was stunned but didn't show my surprise and anger. I was only 27, working a professional job and preparing for graduate school. She knew about my then financial situation. Now, even if I were older, it still would've been highly rude to basically scold me for not having kids. I just think that what she did was beyond unacceptable. Yes, I know that there are rude people who cross our paths and that we should not dwell over it. Still, this take the cake. What do you think?
I think.....some people are just judgmental to the point of rudeness. This is nothing new.
The following happened when I was 27. I was single at the time. I was at my mother's for the weekend(I'm her only child). A married couple with two kids, ages five years and six months, came over for a few hours. The wife is five years older than me.They aren't close friends, but my mom knew the woman's parents years back and we helped them out when they settled in our area. Anyhow, my mother was playing with their daughter and being very affectionate, as many people are around kids. This woman looks at me and says with a smile on her face:
"[Mother's name] doesn't have a granddaughter".
So, I assume this happened at least a year ago, if not multiple years ago? And you're still thinking about it?
But regardless - of course she looked at YOU - you were the only other person there besides her husband, her children, and your mother, who was busy playing with the child. She was trying to make conversation with you, and her comment was said with a SMILE on her face - hardly someone who's trying to take you down - unless, of course, her usual modus operandi is to be so incredibly subtle that most people wouldn't know what she was doing except those who get overwrought by any potential slight. If that stunned you, do you clutch at your pearls and faint when someone bumps into you while walking down the street?
Just FYI - I've said to people things along the lines of how much grandparents love having grandchildren, both before and after I had a kid, and never once did I have an ulterior motive.
Everyday on my Facebook newsfeed, there is a new post titled, "10 things to *never* say to a single mom, a mom of boys, a mom of girls, a mom of an only, a pregnant mom, an Asian mom, a nonmom, etc."
It is exhausting trying to figure out how to talk to millennial moms. I belong to a playgroup that is a mixture of mom in their 30s and 40s and it seems like I have to start every sentence with, "I don't mean any offense by this question...." when I talk to a millennial mom.
Once again, not to offend any millennial mom, I don't mean every millennial mom is like this...
OP, not every remark you deem as insensitive is is meant that way. Sometimes, they are just conversation starters.
You know...sometimes people get jealous, or insecure about their life choices. And maybe that's what was going on with this woman.
My mom has a friend who's 10 yrs. older than me, and 10 or 12 years younger than my mom. This friend always had a tumultuous relationship with her mother, and then her mother died...so she kind of looked to MY mom as a maternal figure.
This 'friend' (not MY friend anymore) would always make snide remarks to me, and then say "just kidding, don't be so sensitive" and stuff like that. This went on for years. So one day, I asked my mom "Why do you think Debbie always puts me down?" My mom said she thought Debbie was jealous, and thought of herself as a better 'daughter' than I was. Then I told my mom "I'm going to write Debbie off. Is this going to hurt your relationship with her?" My mom told me me and my feelings mattered to her more than Debbie's, and she didn't like Debbie hurting me as she had been doing, so I should do what I felt like I had to do. And come to find out, my mom and Debbie weren't as close as I thought they were anyway.
So who knows, maybe this woman was jealous of some aspect of your life. Or maybe she was tearing you down to build herself up.
You know...sometimes people get jealous, or insecure about their life choices. And maybe that's what was going on with this woman.
My mom has a friend who's 10 yrs. older than me, and 10 or 12 years younger than my mom. This friend always had a tumultuous relationship with her mother, and then her mother died...so she kind of looked to MY mom as a maternal figure.
This 'friend' (not MY friend anymore) would always make snide remarks to me, and then say "just kidding, don't be so sensitive" and stuff like that. This went on for years. So one day, I asked my mom "Why do you think Debbie always puts me down?" My mom said she thought Debbie was jealous, and thought of herself as a better 'daughter' than I was. Then I told my mom "I'm going to write Debbie off. Is this going to hurt your relationship with her?" My mom told me me and my feelings mattered to her more than Debbie's, and she didn't like Debbie hurting me as she had been doing, so I should do what I felt like I had to do. And come to find out, my mom and Debbie weren't as close as I thought they were anyway.
So who knows, maybe this woman was jealous of some aspect of your life. Or maybe she was tearing you down to build herself up.
Or maybe she just wasn't thinking. We do too much armchair psychoanalysis on here.
It's particularly appalling that the OP said her family had helped out this woman a lot in the past, and this is how she rewards them, by making a snarky remark about her not having a child. It's fine for the OP to resent that and keep her distance from this woman, from now on.
Umm, no - she made a comment acknowledging how much the mother seemed to love playing with her daughter.
The other day, a co-worker's daughter-in-law gave birth to his first grandchild. I fussed over him, and quoted to him a line that an ex-boss had once said to me "A person has children so that one day they can have grandchildren." I didn't say it while thinking, 'Gee, why haven't any of your four other children had babies yet.'
Acknowledging that many people love to be grandparents is not mutually exclusive with shaming their children (especially single children in their 20's) for not yet having had kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt
Or maybe she just wasn't thinking. We do too much armchair psychoanalysis on here.
OP here. Thank you for posting in my thread. I know it may seem like I'm childish and that I dwell on everything people say to me: I'm not. In fact, I consider myself to be a fairly strong-willed person. I've had a couple of coworkers who said mean things to me - and even yelled at me - on a regular basis. I just brushed it off because I knew that it wasn't really personal and that they were unhappy in their lives and just tried to take it out on me and a few other people. Doesn't make it right though, of course. It's the same, albeit on a lesser scale, when some pushy person disregards others in a crowded public place and says: "Hey, yo, move it!"
It's just that in this case it was the look on the woman's face, and particularly the wry smile and the tone of her voice. Like someone pointed out on here it's not appropriate to ask people why they don't have kids. It could be a variety of reasons: medical, financial, personal(e.g partner dying tragically, rape victim, etc.). What's surprising here is that this woman said this to me when she had two children when her and her husband's financial situation was very shaky and they foolishly got into a lot of debt.
The following happened when I was 27. I was single at the time. I was at my mother's for the weekend(I'm her only child). A married couple with two kids, ages five years and six months, came over for a few hours. The wife is five years older than me.They aren't close friends, but my mom knew the woman's parents years back and we helped them out when they settled in our area. Anyhow, my mother was playing with their daughter and being very affectionate, as many people are around kids. This woman looks at me and says with a smile on her face:
"[Mother's name] doesn't have a granddaughter".
I was stunned but didn't show my surprise and anger. I was only 27, working a professional job and preparing for graduate school. She knew about my then financial situation. Now, even if I were older, it still would've been highly rude to basically scold me for not having kids. I just think that what she did was beyond unacceptable. Yes, I know that there are rude people who cross our paths and that we should not dwell over it. Still, this take the cake. What do you think?
Going by what you posted I dont see that simple statement as scolding or rude or criticizing.
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