Need Advice for 8 Year old daughters Friendship (bullying, girls, play)
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My daughter has a best friend that she really likes. They have been friends a while and get along fine mostly. My problem is that her friend is always bossing her around. My daughter is pretty outspoken and is not afraid to speak her mind, but she thinks highly of this friend and takes what she says to heart. Lately she has told me that her friend told her she doesn't want her to be friends with her other friends. My daughter is a social butterfly so she has a lot of friends at school. Her Bestie even went so far as to tell her she doesn't want her to be friends with her little sister.
She tells me things this girl says to her all the time. For example the girl told her she cant say hi to her in the morning, told her she cant sing anymore. For two weeks this girl wouldn't speak to her and my daughter still has NO CLUE why that happened. It was upsetting for her but she doesn't know why there was a problem.
Any advice would be appreciated. I have talked to my daughter about standing up for herself and told her that its not right for her friend to expect these things from her. Any other advice?
If it was my daughter, I would tell her that she did nothing wrong and that this is NOT how a friend should treat another friend. Maybe she is not really a friend. And she should not be friends with people who make her feel bad or boss her around. Tell her you are sorry this happened to her but this is how friendships go sometimes. Remind her what a great girl she is and all the friends she does have that she does not need friends like this in her life. Also try to explain if she tries to force this friendship she might get even more hurt that it would be a better idea to not speak to her and leave her alone. Maybe things will change, maybe they will not but she will need to accept whatever the outcome will be.
Any advice would be appreciated. I have talked to my daughter about standing up for herself and told her that its not right for her friend to expect these things from her. Any other advice?
Have you witnessed it? Can you swoop in and say something, like, "My daughter doesn't have to do what you say. Stop trying to boss her around."
You need to engage her in a conversation and lead her to the fact that this girl is simply not nice. With my daughter it has always worked with how would you feel if you were the friend being ignored or shunned.
Talking about standing up for yourself is good, but it really needs to be drilled in there, along with standing up for others. Whenever I hear about someone being mean, and god I hate using this word, bullying, my first question is "and how did you respond." I want to know if my child accepted the fact someone was being mean or did they do something.
I would encourage my child to make other friends. I would even go so far as to get her involved, as much as possible, with other groups of children outside of school. Scouts, summer camp, dance class, I'd enroll her in so many things that would make it easier for her to forget about this so-called "friend" of hers.
I'd tell her to stay away from this child as she'll only bring her down.
Find friends who like her for who she is...not what some kid tells her to be.
Maybe you can find out what it is your daughter sees in this girl that she would be willing to give up so much to keep her as a "friend"?
Ultimately it is up to your daughter to get tired of it.
What you can do is encourage her by talking about how normal friendships work and how as she gets older she is going to meet and discard "friends" all the time. This is a good time to discuss the difference between acquaintances and friends and more importantly what she experiences in school really has no basis in reality for adult hood. IF adults act like kids they'd be fired, thrown in jail and the relationships are incredibly dysfunctional. Since they are stuck in a fish bowl they have few choices other than deal with it.
Just because you happen to share a class, job or whatever with others doesn't mean you'll be friends. In addition, people will fall in and out of favor with each other and drift apart. So just because you have a friend doesn't mean it is forever. This isn't a disney movie.
Many try and fit what others want to be part of the group. This doesn't work well but people do it because they are vulnerable and insecure. That isn't the way to really find success in relationships. People figure this out at varying times in their lives. Some people go most of their lives constantly trying to fit in, molding themselves to others so they fit in with the group. Generally it doesn't work well. Hopefully if you talk with her about it you can show her that the number of friends is unimportant, generally speaking friendship isn't forever you'll be lucky to have 1 or 2 forever friends, having to try and fit in is a natural feeling for a young child but in the end it isn't the best way to go about it. When you get closer to being a big girl you'll take more of an attitude of not fitting in isn't a big deal, where as trying to fit in is a waste of time. You only cheat yourself.
That takes time an maturity to find. Some adults never figure it out. The earlier you impart the wisdom the more likely it will be that she will start to see the pattern in her own life vs what you explain and realize Mom might know a few things.
I would encourage your daughter to make and hang out with some other friends. My daughter will be 8 and she was having some problems with the some "friends" in her class. We had a talk about what was happening and how she should handle it. I asked her why she wanted to play with someone that made her feel bad. I told her friends shouldn't make us feel bad. My daughter has a lot of girl's in her class this year and most of them are the 1st born kids. They are used to being in charge at home and they think it isn't any different at school. My daughter is a 2nd child and is a go with the flow type girl. It's made for an interesting year with a lot of teachable moments.
My daughter has a best friend that she really likes. They have been friends a while and get along fine mostly. My daughter about standing up for herself and told her that its not right for her friend to expect these things from her. Any other advice?
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I distinctly remember this stuff going on between the girls on my block, at about that age. I'm not sure what you call it - tribal behavior? or something, but in their case only rare instances of permanent falling out ever happened. The bossy girl should just be avoided, probably at your behest. Tell your daughter to just avoid her and maybe sometime she'll come around to her senses. Your daughter will develop more close attachments to other kids and eventually forget what she really saw in "Bossy." Which, like everything at that age, is pretty temporary.
Last edited by TwinbrookNine; 05-16-2017 at 04:24 PM..
Its up to your kid to decide what kind of friends she wants, and what kind of friend she wants to be. She's developing her own social skills and her own group of friends. If she wants a controlling friend let her experience it. Let her experience cause and effects. Don't physically butt in and come to the rescue, unless things get too rough. The point of wanting her to stick up for herself means you need to let her do it on her own or she won't learn to do so without you. If she comes to you and asks more questions about it, explain choices. If you stick with the bestie, you can lose other friendships. If you want to be friends with everyone, bestie will be upset at first but if she's a true friend shell come around eventually.
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