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Hi all! Sorry if there has been a thread on this before, but I could not find one!
My daughter will be 12 in March. We have already had the talk about menstruating over a year ago, but when should I have the sex talk? Other parents out there......How old were your children when you had the talk? I know I should be having this talk soon, but just wanted to hear from other parents. I'm very confident she has no clue about any of it right now, but I'm afraid if I wait too long she'll hear about it from friends and I don't want that to happen. Thanks!
My mom started talking to me about sex when I was 5 years old. She had a medical book and would show me pictures of the human body. Why 5 years old? She was pregnant and I had 800 million questions. She figured it was better to answer them than ignore me hoping I'd go away.
By 12, it's too late to have your first discussion about sex. Many kids that age and younger are having sex or performing various sexual acts. She's also learning about sex in school in classes and classmates. Who do you want her to learn from?
Geez, you guys act like I have NEVER talked to my daughter about anything. Of course I've talked to her at age appropriate levels about relationships, love, etc. I'm talking about telling her about actual intercourse. No one is telling their preschooler about that! And yes, there are a lot of great books out there and I have already gone over some of them with her.
Btw, our schools don't give sex ed until the end of 6th grade which is coming up quick. Thanks for the advice.
I was 5 when my mother told me about intercourse. So YES there are people who talk about this at that age. My baby sister was on her way and I was that kid that asked Why? none stop.....literally dozens of times until I got an answer that suited me.
Your initial post sounded like you've never spoken to her about sex. You asked when the talks about sex started.
Geez, you guys act like I have NEVER talked to my daughter about anything. Of course I've talked to her at age appropriate levels about relationships, love, etc. I'm talking about telling her about actual intercourse. No one is telling their preschooler about that! And yes, there are a lot of great books out there and I have already gone over some of them with her.
Btw, our schools don't give sex ed until the end of 6th grade which is coming up quick. Thanks for the advice.
My daughter kept asking me to tell her how babies come to be. I stalled for a bit, telling her I was going to get a book that would help me explain it better.
Then one day when she was nine, she came into my bedroom and said, "I want you to explain to me right now where babies come from." Desperate, I searched with my eyes around the room until they landed on the doorknob. I said, "See the keyhole in the door? And a key goes into it?"
She said, "So the key is like the penis, Mom?"
I said, "OK, what do you know already?" Turned out her friend had told her about intercourse and she wanted confirmation that it was true.
Then she trotted down the hall to our old set of World Book Encyclopedias, came back with "S", opened it to "Sex", and said, "Here's your book, Mom." She proceeded to read from it, and when she came to the part where it said, "A man places his penis inside the woman's vagina..." she started laughing and said, "They make it sound as if you are putting something on a shelf."
Hi all! Sorry if there has been a thread on this before, but I could not find one!
My daughter will be 12 in March. We have already had the talk about menstruating over a year ago, but when should I have the sex talk? Other parents out there......How old were your children when you had the talk? I know I should be having this talk soon, but just wanted to hear from other parents. I'm very confident she has no clue about any of it right now, but I'm afraid if I wait too long she'll hear about it from friends and I don't want that to happen. Thanks!
Start now. Do you want her to be 15 and have a "boyfriend" tell her that she should just do it this one night with no birth control, because it can't happen the first time anyway? This kind of nonsense does go around...
Start now. Do you want her to be 15 and have a "boyfriend" tell her that she should just do it this one night with no birth control, because it can't happen the first time anyway? This kind of nonsense does go around...
Yes, I remember reading stories from a woman who worked in a clinic. One pregnant fifteen-year-old said she couldn't be because they only did it on Sundays and her bf said she couldn't get pregnant on Sunday.
At age 12, she knows more than you think - at least, more than she's letting YOU know that she knows.
You do her no favors by waiting.
A lot more, at least about the plumbing, processes and mechanics. Still, it's a girl and people's values vary greatly about the timing and context in which sexual acts occur. Not taking any sides at all on this, all you have to teach her are your values, but I can tell as girls grow into their teens they frequently reject a wide range of parental values.
You think your almost 12 year old doesn't know about sex yet? Of course she does! She has learned about it from her classmates and friends, possibly from the internet. She may have some misinformation about it.
Get her this book: It's Perfectly Normal. It's not about values. It's about how humans have sex. Put it in her room, and tell her it's there. Let her read it on her own in private.
Values, you should be talking to her about since early on. At this age, you should be talking to her about protecting herself from situations where she could be molested. Warning her to be wary of any man (or even woman) who is showing too much "special" interest in her, wanting to be alone with her. That she should NEVER keep anything like this secret from you, that you trust her and would always believe her, that anyone who might want her to keep secrets from you is not to be trusted. And in a year or two, depending upon how fast her physical and social development progress, you should be talking to her about contraceptives, and not having sex unless she is ready (and your values might mean being married to be ready), but if one does decide to have sex, one had better use contraceptives so as not to become pregnant!
If someone were to ask at what age children should be taught about the actual mechanics of human sex , I would say you give them information appropriate to their age. A three year old? You grew inside my belly ... and if they ask more, you tell them the truth - you came out like all babies do, through a little hole between my legs that all women have, or the doctor had to do an operation to take you out, and show them the scar. But they might not ask. And so on, and so on, answering questions about anatomy and sex only as they ask, and only as much as they need to know to be satisfied. I think that children should know the differences between male and female anatomy certainly by kindergarten. They should probably learn from you the truth about sexual intercourse by about second grade, otherwise they're gonna find it out from some other kid, and may pick up a lot of wrong information from other kids, just like in the game "telephone".
That's why it's absurd for you to think that your almost 12 year old doesn't already know the facts of life. Of course she has already learned about it from her friends at school. And if you don't hurry, she may also learn that you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex, that you can't get pregnant if you have sex standing up, that you can't get pregnant if the guy pulls out before he climaxes, that you can't get pregnant if .... etc. On your timetable, I'm worried that you won't get around to having THAT part of the talk until her wedding night, if even then, if you're lucky!
Both of my girls were age 8-9 when they got the talk. I rolled the menstruation talk into the sex talk, and included a lot on how people feel about sex, how it changes people, how men and women's attitudes differ, the emotional aspect, etc. I had an age-appropriate book to give them after.
I also took every opportunity in the following years to reinforce these messages when stuff came up naturally in conversation.
Both grew up to have healthy sexual lives without abuse or unwanted pregnancy. One lost her virginity at 18 and the other at 17 with their long term boyfriends, and they actually TOLD me right after. Not sure that was necessary!
I think 11-12 is much too late and they will be less willing to hear the messages that go beyond biology that you may want to impart.
It's wrong to tell the OP that she's too late. It's never too late. Earlier is best, of course, but I'd hate for any parent to think they missed the boat completely and drop the conversation.
Ask your daughter what she's heard, correct the likely misinformation, and encourage her to ask any questions.
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