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I have a more passive personality and shes more aggressive. It is just not in my nature to stand up to people
You're a mom now. Time to start channeling a little more Mama Bear.
You have to advocate not only for your child, but for your right to enjoy private time with your child.
The hardest part of this, I promise you, will be the tendency for your husband to be placed squarely in the middle of what is now a known conflict between you and his mom.
Because if you talk about this with him, which you should, he will know that you would like to share less about your activities. But he will be very tempted to share info with her, to be a good son.
Tread carefully, but go forward with the idea that you are allowed to set boundaries for your family, because YOU ARE!
Let her have one afternoon a week with him. When she has him, meet your DH for dinner or take the time to do something for yourself. Call and invite her over a dinner or even lunch a couple of times a month on the weekend. Maybe if she has reserved days, she might be better about taking away the moments that important to you. When our kids were young, this is what we did with my IL's. My BIL and his wife do the same thing now with their LO.
I will say though that if something is bothering you; you need for your husband to speak up and say something. My kids are older and my IL's helped us out tremendously for 4-5 months of last school year. There was an issue and it kept coming up and I got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. I told my husband that I appreciated every thing his parents were doing for us, but if he didn't tell them to stop X I would and it wouldn't go over well. He told me he would handle it and he did.
Thank you all. My husband and i are definitely both oversharers. Especially when it comes to LO. Since becoming a parent, ive turned into that obnxious person who cant stand talking about their kid or shoving pictures of them in your face. This is something my H and i need to work on and get on the same page abput.
Im not good at conflict and put too much emphsis on how other people feel. When i was seeing a therapist, i was told i am nkt responbile for other peoples feeling but this never really stuck with me. Going back to the class, how should i have handled that so MIL knows it is my time with LO and not hers? Im a working parents so these little weekend activites are so important to me. Often by the tine i get back from work, i can only spend an hour with LO before it is his bedtime.
You start out by stating the positives in your relationship.
"MIL, I'm very glad that you live close to us and that you and LO can have a good relationship with each other. We both enjoy spending time with you and want you to be in our lives."
You state how you feel, using "I" statements.
"But I have to be honest with you. Sometimes I feel like you are stepping into the role of mother, rather than grandmother. I told you about the music classes because I was enjoying that time with him so much. I was surprised when you came to the classes and it bothered me that you participated with him in your lap while I watched from the sidelines. This makes me want to not tell you about things we have planned, but that wouldn't be good for any of us."
You make a specific request.
"I know you mean well and we want you to be included. But I would appreciate it if you would give LO and me a little more room and time together. I work and I really treasure my evenings and weekends with him. Sometimes I just want to spend one-on-one time with him. I need for you to respect that."
And you leave the door open for more communication.
"I hope you understand that we love you, but just need a little more space. Please let me know how you feel about these things. I needed to tell you because that's more productive than being resentful."
Let her have one afternoon a week with him. When she has him, meet your DH for dinner or take the time to do something for yourself. Call and invite her over a dinner or even lunch a couple of times a month on the weekend. Maybe if she has reserved days, she might be better about taking away the moments that important to you. When our kids were young, this is what we did with my IL's. My BIL and his wife do the same thing now with their LO.
I will say though that if something is bothering you; you need for your husband to speak up and say something. My kids are older and my IL's helped us out tremendously for 4-5 months of last school year. There was an issue and it kept coming up and I got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. I told my husband that I appreciated every thing his parents were doing for us, but if he didn't tell them to stop X I would and it wouldn't go over well. He told me he would handle it and he did.
Great suggestions!
****
This is all an intellectual exercise to me, as my own in-laws lived 500 miles away, and my parents lived 1500 miles away. Never had to deal with it, IOW.
I get a little weary of hearing about "boundaries"; it all sounds so clinical. I do think the Mom and Me music class example is way over the top. The pumpkin patch, not so much, meaning you all go. I mean, you're out in a field. How much privacy can you have?
I get a little weary of hearing about "boundaries"; it all sounds so clinical. I do think the Mom and Me music class example is way over the top. The pumpkin patch, not so much, meaning you all go. I mean, you're out in a field. How much privacy can you have?
I experienced something similar to what the OP describes with my own in-laws, and it gets to be oppressive. It's not about privacy, technically. It's about being presumptuous that you are going to be right there every step of the way with the baby and co-opting the parent's role before they even realize what's happening.
It's not usually malicious, but it's not always just a matter of an overly sensitive daughter-in-law, either. Sometimes grandparents really can overstep.
You start out by stating the positives in your relationship.
"MIL, I'm very glad that you live close to us and that you and LO can have a good relationship with each other. We both enjoy spending time with you and want you to be in our lives."
You state how you feel, using "I" statements.
"But I have to be honest with you. Sometimes I feel like you are stepping into the role of mother, rather than grandmother. I told you about the music classes because I was enjoying that time with him so much. I was surprised when you came to the classes and it bothered me that you participated with him in your lap while I watched from the sidelines. This makes me want to not tell you about things we have planned, but that wouldn't be good for any of us."
You make a specific request.
"I know you mean well and we want you to be included. But I would appreciate it if you would give LO and me a little more room and time together. I work and I really treasure my evenings and weekends with him. Sometimes I just want to spend one-on-one time with him. I need for you to respect that."
And you leave the door open for more communication.
"I hope you understand that we love you, but just need a little more space. Please let me know how you feel about these things. I needed to tell you because that's more productive than being resentful."
OP, because you say you are usually more passive, I am going to second Birdie Bell's advice and tell you something a good friend told me 15 years ago:
"Stand up and be your child's mother."
YOU and only YOU are your child's mother. Start acting like it.
After the 2nd time with the mommy and me music class, you needed to end it. If you don't do or say something, you are giving your approval. I can see after the first time you would have been so shocked that you didn't know what to do. After the 2nd time, you needed to come up with a response.
This is only one of many battles you will fight on your child's behalf.
Also I sense some guilt that you are a working mother; perhaps this is the reason you are so determined not to miss out on the "firsts"?
When my H and his siblings were growing up, my MIL had a pretty demanding job. She often worked long hours, had business trips, etc. She didnt get the chance to really watch them grow and to raise them.
...
And she tries and did take firsts from me. With fall coming up, shes all about taking LO to his first pumpkin patch. Abd that's something I want to do with him. I dont want her to come along either because she will take over. I have a more passive personality and shes more aggressive. It is just not in my nature to stand up to people
...
I'm sorry this is so long and rambling. I hope I got my question across in all this mess. I dont know how to be ok with mil treating my LO like he is her child.
Over the last few years, I've been hearing these stories about this or that high school kid who takes his great grandmother as his date to the senior prom because she didn't get to go to her own senior prom 75 years ago, and most people talk about how sweet and wonderful that is, but I think it's a bit silly, and if I were that great-grandmother, I'd say "that's sweet, and I appreciate the thought, but I'm not going to go. I had my youth, and even if some parts of it weren't everything they could be, accepting that is part of getting older, and if I were your date to the prom, then you'd be having a prom experience that wasn't quite what it could be, and I want you to have a wonderful prom with your friends and a girl you like."
It's very sad your MIL didn't get to have all the mothering experiences she wanted, and I don't even blame her, I respect working mothers, and there are always sacrifices. But she had her period of being a mother, and accepting it for what it was is part of being an adult. If she's trying to take over mother memories from you to make up for her own lack of them, then you'll end up having a maternal experience that wasn't quite what it could be. Is your son's future wife supposed to let you take over when she has children to make that up to you? I don't think so.
I do have a suggestion though that may make everyone happy. I'm willing to bet that your MIL and/or your FIL did certain special things with your husband when he was a boy, "family traditions," as it were, that weren't family traditions for you and your parents when you were a kid, aren't things you'd necessarily think about doing with your son, or at least wouldn't be especially attached to. Ask your MIL, FIL, and husband about this, jog their memories, they may remember experiences they haven't thought about in 20, 30 years. Then suggest that your MIL take your son on those experiences - even let them be special grandmom-grandson time alone without you - in exchange for her letting you take lead on the firsts you want to experience with him. Plus, when MIL is taking your son on her experiences with him, you get some grownup/alone time. Win-Win!
My mom always said "don't talk about what you're going to do, just do it."
Why is she even let in on your every whereabouts?
Take LO to events that only you know about (I mean , don't get too crazy...) and keep them to yourself.
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