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Therapy, first and foremost, for her and for you. Seek out support, from school personnel, doctors, local/online support groups, etc. Consider in-patient treatment if needed to keep the rest of the family safe. Don't engage in a power struggle: no one will win. She needs help, and you don't have to go it alone.
This is why my first suggestion was getting her evaluated. There's got to be something at the bottoms of this. "Tough love" could mean--getting her into some kind of program, therapy, meds, whatever the recommendation is, and following the recommendations of the psych professional. We don't know (nor does the OP) what we're dealing with here. We need to find that out, first.
But if trauma or a disorder isn't at the bottom of it, then a different type of tough love would be called for.
I'm reminded just now, however, of how the changes of adolescence can cause certain mental illness to come to the fore. This can throw parents completely for a loop. I've spoken to parents whose daughter suddenly developed schizophrenia in the middle of her first year of college. They said she was a happy, healthy student when they dropped her off at her dorm. A few months later, suddenly she'd been hospitalized on the university hospital psych ward, and they were wondering what happened.
OP, you need to get her in for an evaluation. Good luck!
She sounds similar to my biological daughter. I don't know if it helps, but always look at her very carefully when in a rage and realize she is emotionally punished and suffering far worse than any punishment I could give her.
Further, on the issue of tough love, that is/was hubby/dad's philosophy too, until he finally realized that someone like our daughters will never ever give up or give in, and in an effort to make her submit, he ended up with a felony charge.
Think about it: punishment and tough love only work on someone willing to allow them to work. Take away phones, cars, privileges and the kid can still move forward with bad behavior if that is their path. They would have to choose to behave appropriately to get their stuff back.
They still cannot walk all over everyone though, and you have others in the home who are suffering.
I agree with above advice that everyone needs help- it's hard to live with someone like that. Show her love and give her praise as often as possible- what's the point of being good if people only respond to bad?
For my daughter, the only medication which has helped is therapeutic doses of marijuana, and CBD oil when she has to go to work (she lives in a legal state).
First off you need to ensure your adoptive daughter is getting continuous and supportive therapy. It sounds like she's gone through a hard life, and as of now not a lot of stable support or understanding. The violence and attitude is a loud and frightnighing cry for help. The bed wetting and deeper behavioral problems are signs she's gone through trauma and isn't properly addressing her emotional scars whatever they may be.
I'm adopted and even with my adoptive parents having me since I was a couple weeks old I still suffer from abandonment issues and other behavioral problems due to issues relating to my life before they had influence and control over it. You should have been better prepared for accepting an older child as they almost always will have problems relating to their previous life before being removed or from living in foster care which can be a mixed case of success on the children (and it sounds her experiences were not as loving).
As you've adopted her she is your responsibility and unfortunately it sounds like your family isn't the best prepared or trained to deal with this situation. My advice is to seek advice from local and national adoption programs especially those dealing with older adoptive children. At her age and length of time in the system she'll never understand or act like a normal family member. You need to recognize that and recognize she's probably doing what she's always done or been taught in every family situation she's been in. Fight to be on top to get what you need and survive. If harsh, but no normal family is going to be able to understand or comprehend how to deal with this outlook of life.
I really can't think of any advice outside of get therapy for everyone in the family, but especially with your daughter. You need to decide if you'll accept her behavior and set her up for a life in and out of jail, possibly just repeating a cycle at this point or you can make drastic changes that won't be cheap or easy for anyone in your family and try to help her feel supportive and able to learn how to function without relying on being "tough" or out of control. It really is unfortunate on all sides and I hope you all find help very soon.
This is excellent advice and I hope the OP takes it. Attachment disorders are a nightmare and need professional attention. It won't be easy or quick for anyone involved.
Hi all, 5 years ago we made the decision to adopt an 11 year old girl that we took in for foster care briefly. She was living in a home packed with foster children and sharing a bedroom with multiple children prior to us. We take excellent care of her and are very financially stable and have been able to allow her to do plenty of activities to keep her busy.
Do you LOVE her? It's great you have lots of money and can provide expensive couches for her to urinate on...but - where's the love?
You have to know that a child of that age that hadn't been adopted will have LOTS of problems and should have had intensive therapy all along - and certainly you should have provided it. You've allowed a lot of time to go by - get her the help she needs now. And protect your kids and yourselves from her. Do NOT allow her to physically abuse you!
Oh - why did you give her a car - you are allowing her to manipulate in the same ways a 4 year old does. Take the keys immediately.
Have you had her evaluated by a professional? Who diagnosed her with ODD? She's been assaulting family members, even causing a concussion, but no one called the police? It sounds like it's time for some tough love, honestly.
A relative, uncle in his upper seventies had his son and granddaughter living with him since she (granddaughter,GD) since a toddler. The grandmother passed when GD about 9, whi was more mother to her. When the GD was around 15 sh started getting in trouble with the wrong crowd. She would bring others to house and when Grandpa told he wanted them out she would get verbally abusive and not comply. Neither the father or GF seemed to know how to handle her.
She dropped out of school. She started getting physical with GF and pushed him several times, first injury was cut to head that required stiches. One day granddaughter pushed GF. He fell, broke hip and was in nursing home. Gurl still not punished, I think when asked how he fell he was protecting GD by not telling she had pushed him. I called Adult Protective Services. It's confidential so no one knows who reported this. But I heard GD mad because she thinks GF did. They opened a case and removed her from home. She ended up with being in a facility for troubled teens , when released she was put on probation with the requirement of getting GED and continuing counseling of some sort, which has ended a while ago.
She is still troubled, about 20/22 now and has lost her grandfather, probably earlier than he would have passed. Not sure about father, he tries but not very effective.
Thank you guys so much for the input, its very nice hearing outside thoughts of any kind. I will certainly take some of your thoughts into action and see how they impact her behavior.
Thank you guys so much for the input, its very nice hearing outside thoughts of any kind. I will certainly take some of your thoughts into action and see how they impact her behavior.
They may not impact her behavior at all, if it's due to mental illness or trauma (unresolved PTSD is a mental illness), or a medical/neurological condition. You need to get her evaluated, first and foremost.
Have you had her evaluated by a professional? Who diagnosed her with ODD? She's been assaulting family members, even causing a concussion, but no one called the police? It sounds like it's time for some tough love, honestly.
Yes, that is CD, not ODD. She should probably be ordered into treatment (I think a lot of juvenile courts have programs that can order inpatient, residential, or psychological treatment as alternatives to jail time).
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