Pay for Child Care to Avoid Family Drama? (day care, method, baby)

[capitalhockey]

Hello,

My wife (part-time) and I (full time) both work with 2 young kids (toddler and baby). My parents live nearby and have been helping us with child care (3 days a week with occasional weekend). We thought this was great so our kids can have a close relationship with their grandparents while also saving money on daycare. My parents were willing and excited for this arrangement as it is normal for our culture to have grandparents to be very involved with grand kids' lives.

Lately, I am starting to rethink this arrangement after a year of experience. I get constant unsolicited opinions and criticism from my mom. We also have differences in parenting approach/methods. I have to bite my tongue hard to keep the peace but feel trapped to continue on. It's creating feelings of resentment. The money saved (over $2000/mo) is great but I am not sure if it's worth the drama. It might be better to outsource the child care and feel better. Just have kids do occasional visits to grandparents. I am sure my parents would be initially hurt and disappointed to see their grand kids less often.

1) Has any parent gone through a similar financial cost vs. benefits decision? What was your decision and how was outcome?

2) Has any grandparents been in this predicament?

Thanks.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by capitalhockey

Hello,

My wife (part-time) and I (full time) both work with 2 young kids (toddler and baby). My parents live nearby and have been helping us with child care (3 days a week with occasional weekend). We thought this was great so our kids can have a close relationship with their grandparents while also saving money on daycare. My parents were willing and excited for this arrangement as it is normal for our culture to have grandparents to be very involved with grand kids' lives.

Lately, I am starting to rethink this arrangement after a year of experience. I get constant unsolicited opinions and criticism from my mom. We also have differences in parenting approach/methods. I have to bite my tongue hard to keep the peace but feel trapped to continue on. It's creating feelings of resentment. The money saved (over $2000/mo) is great but I am not sure if it's worth the drama. It might be better to outsource the child care and feel better. Just have kids do occasional visits to grandparents. I am sure my parents would be initially hurt and disappointed to see their grand kids less often.

1) Has any parent gone through a similar financial cost vs. benefits decision? What was your decision and how was outcome?

2) Has any grandparents been in this predicament?

Thanks.

I have been in a similar situation. My in-laws did not keep them as many days as yours do, but it was regularly.

This will be very difficult to change now that it's gone on for a year.

You can go cold turkey and completely stop the grandparent child care, switching immediately to paid care, or you can transition more slowly with paid care only on certain days and grandparents covering one day. But your parents may suddenly become "unavailable" out of spite on their care day, leaving you scrambling. I recommend making the complete switch to paid child care.

Then you will be faced with making appointments for the kids to visit with their grandparents, which will be harder to manage since they were seeing them on a default basis. As the kids get older, you will have more activities competing for their time, and grandparent visits could fall by the wayside.

Have you talked to them AT ALL about their interference? That would be a first step. It sounds like you need to do some online reading about establishing emotional boundaries as adult children, because this is a very common issue. You aren't meant to bite your tongue forever just because they are your parents. There are ways to tell them to back off without being hurtful.

Either way, there will be hurt feelings, because there's no way to predict how they will take this.

What culture are we talking about?

[DubbleT]

Before you pull the kids out and put them into any sort of paid care (which will come with it's own challenges) have you thought about having a heart to heart with your parents about the issues you have brought up here?
Best case scenario your parents make some changes and you and your kids get the benefits you originally expected from the current arrangement. Worst case scenario your parents get upset and you're right back where you are now, looking for new childcare arrangements.

[Harpaint]

Yes, I put mine into a nice daycare/preschool. I just told my Mom that the kids needed to be around other children more. I didn't criticize her care (too much TV and sweets, no reading stories, no simple games, etc), and told her I appreciated all she had done and let her take have a few weekends with them. It was sooo much better for the kids to be socialized outside of the family too and learn to make friends. I think it was actually a relief to my Mom too.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by Harpaint

I think it was actually a relief to my Mom too.

I think a lot of parents don't realize this ^^^. It's one thing to keep your grandkids occasionally, but to serve as full-time child care three days a week can be a grind.

Using the (legitimate) excuse of socialization with other kids is a great segue.

[Hearthcrafter]

Originally Posted by capitalhockey

Hello,

My wife (part-time) and I (full time) both work with 2 young kids (toddler and baby). My parents live nearby and have been helping us with child care (3 days a week with occasional weekend). We thought this was great so our kids can have a close relationship with their grandparents while also saving money on daycare. My parents were willing and excited for this arrangement as it is normal for our culture to have grandparents to be very involved with grand kids' lives.

Lately, I am starting to rethink this arrangement after a year of experience. I get constant unsolicited opinions and criticism from my mom. We also have differences in parenting approach/methods. I have to bite my tongue hard to keep the peace but feel trapped to continue on. It's creating feelings of resentment. The money saved (over $2000/mo) is great but I am not sure if it's worth the drama. It might be better to outsource the child care and feel better. Just have kids do occasional visits to grandparents. I am sure my parents would be initially hurt and disappointed to see their grand kids less often.

1) Has any parent gone through a similar financial cost vs. benefits decision? What was your decision and how was outcome?

2) Has any grandparents been in this predicament?

Thanks.

I don't have any specific advice, but please be aware that that this is a very common dynamic even when grandparents don't provide childcare. Some just like to nitpick and complain; some haven't quite stopped trying to parent their adult children; some just want to feel involved and that their wisdom is respected; MANY do not realize that childcare practices have changed, and that you are rejecting them somehow by not doing things the way they did (oh, the needless grief my mother-in-law gave me over my bottle-feeding method!)

Really, curtailing their childcare roll won't likely change that, so it may be best to analyze whether these are just annoyances, or a snowballing problem.

[capitalhockey]

Feels like it's a combination of different issues that are bothering me:

1) Constant unsolicited opinion and criticism on parenting...esp when they insist on something that is wrong...it's been over 50 years since they have raised kids...things have changed a lot and new culture from old country

2) Not honoring our requests.....like no sweets or juice. We find out later that my sons gets sweet treat every day. He has his first cavity on last visit to dentist.

3) Communication style...my mom yells and screams when she talks to me...feel like she is still treating like a child again even though I am in my 30's.

With COVID situation, we are hestitant to have kids in day care. We feel trapped in current arrangement but want the best for our kids in terms of safety and care.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by capitalhockey

1) Constant unsolicited opinion and criticism on parenting...esp when they insist on something that is wrong...it's been over 50 years since they have raised kids...things have changed a lot and new culture from old country

Very common. What country?

Originally Posted by capitalhockey

2)

He has his first cavity on last visit to dentist.

To be fair, this is a tooth-brushing issue, which usually takes place at home, not an eating issue. You can't get a cavity merely from eating sweets or drinking juice.

Now going against your standards isn't acceptable, as it undermines your trust. If you can't trust your caregiver to care for your child the way you like, what good is it?

Originally Posted by capitalhockey

3) Communication style...my mom yells and screams when she talks to me...feel like she is still treating like a child again even though I am in my 30's.

Have you EVER talked to her about this and suggested alternatives? Does she do it in front of the kids? This can't go on, but it's a relationship problem with you and your mom. This is probably the root of your problem here.

Originally Posted by capitalhockey

With COVID situation, we are hestitant to have kids in day care. We feel trapped in current arrangement but want the best for our kids in terms of safety and care.

Some parents have had their kids in day care throughout the pandemic because they are essential workers. You have to vet their protocols carefully.

Have you looked into hiring someone to come to your home and watch them? That would torpedo your socialization excuse though.

Bottom line ... this is not a child care problem but a family dynamics problem between you and your parents. It's time to get help to resolve THAT.

[WellShoneMoon]

I agree with BirdieBelle, that this is a family-dynamics problem more than a child care problem. I suspect that your parents would still be yelling and nagging at you no matter who does the child care. Except that, if you stopped using them as babysitters and hired someone else, your parents would be yelling and nagging at you about not seeing the kids enough.

You need to work this out with your parents, OP.

[ClaraC]

You are really sparing with your details about the differences you and your parents are experiencing in raising the children, but if your other complaints are similar to zero sweets, I think maybe you should re-evaluate your parenting.

Do you actually not allow your children EVER to have sweet treats? If that's the case, you're heading for eating disorders when they're finally able to make decisions for themselves what to eat.