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Old 02-23-2021, 07:18 PM
1,019 posts, read 342,082 times
Reputation: 2676


Originally Posted by EscAlaMike View Post
The main benefit is that your child is raised by his or her mother. You can't put a pricetag on that.

You're making 188k/year, this shouldn't even be a question. The mother should only work outside the home if the family is literally going to starve without additional income.

My wife stayed home to raise the children back when I was making not much more than 30k/year. Thankfully I make more than that now - but the sacrifices of not having new vehicles, fancy 'toys'/electronics or whatever is well worth it for the sake of your child.

When your child grows up, he/she won't care about the big screen TV or brand new Denali - they will care about the time his/her parents invested in their upbringing.
Yes to this! I stayed home when our kids were babies and toddlers. When they went to school I worked around their schedule. What could be more important than raising your own kids when you have the financial means to do so? When you become a parent, your life changes and the kids are the number one priority.

We lived within our means and didn't buy things we couldn't afford. Not only did the kids benefit from having a parent at home (either parent will do) but I believe hubby and I benefited too. We had time for each other and our kids knew they were always our priority.
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Old 02-23-2021, 11:44 PM
Location: Thousand Oaks, CA
5,655 posts, read 2,053,195 times
Reputation: 5496
I don't get what the issue is. If she wants to stop working, you clearly are able to afford it. If she doesn't, you clearly are able to afford it. Its not your decision dude.

Providing your wife the choice in this - that is giving her the ability to stay at home - makes you a good husband and dad. Congrats!
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Old Yesterday, 02:11 PM
26,807 posts, read 24,297,556 times
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Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
I notice no one seems to mention men staying home to take care of the home and children. I knew several women that had stay at home husbands. Only one wasn't happy with the arrangement. Not about the childcare aspect, but that she thought he should have been able to do a better job at keeping the house clean. I don't know having never been in their home, but they had twins. Might have been better in theory than actuality.

The other three women were happy with the arrangement. I don't know what their husbands did or the effect it had on their careers.

I knew some people in the medical field that worked different shifts so they only needed minimal childcare. Every family is going to have different ways of dealing with childcare. I also know a few grandparents that are full time babysitters. Some are very happy about it; and a few sometimes express feeling taken advantage of, yet are never willing to address the issue.
Well 188k vs 45K.
I think finances play a role in who is going to be the SAHP.
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Old Today, 11:39 AM
11,281 posts, read 15,139,431 times
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Originally Posted by Mstrlucky74 View Post
Hello all . Soon to be dad here.
Would love for my wife to stay home but would look about 45k in salary.
I make about $188k per year and have good union benefits. Guess that salary means nothing unless one knows full financial pictures. My wife has no problem working but also really wants to stay home with our child and second if we’re lucky enough to have.
I’m curious about the benefits of a mother being home with child full time ..I guess diff story once kid goes to school.
Would like to hear from other moms and dads that went though this. Thank you very much .
There is nothing wrong with a SAHM but I feel it can set a precedent that a woman ‘shouldn’t work’. My mother worked & always told me as a woman I should work & that I have same opportunity for success as any man, make yr own $$ & not rely on a man.
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Old Today, 01:01 PM
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
28,965 posts, read 69,104,411 times
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We went through this. The numbers were roughly the same in equivalents at the time.

We decided we just "could not afford" for her to stop working. Besides she wanted to pursue a career. The "could not afford" part is BS, unless you are living in a box and walking to work, you can always afford it, just need to adjust your lifestyle.

We had twins first up, so expenses were higher. It was nearly impossible to find day care places that would accept kids in diapers. The ones that did were crazy expensive. Parents/in laws came and stayed for the first few weeks. We eventually hired a live in nanny. Actually a series of live in nannies. Some were fired (for little things like stealing my wife's car and forging checks on our account; or leaving a cigarette lighter in the babies' crib with the baby - my wife came home and found a baby sucking on a lighter - bye.). Others quit after a few months to return to college, or in one case go train to be an Olympic rower. We tried outsourced child care for a time as well, but those did not last either. The people we liked quit or the place closed, of changed their hours, or moved. Most of the time we had live in nannies.

My wife was very unhappy. She had to work all day at a hard job that she did not love and then come home ot hear the nanny complain about doing the things my wife longed to be doing. When she came home to have the complaining nanny tell her she had video taped their first steps for us, it was the final straw. We started trying to figure out a way she could stay home. It seemed impossible at first and took quite a while before we just bit the bullet and did it.

We carefully analyzed the budget. After considering paying and feeding a nanny or paying for daycare, paying for dry cleaning, lunches, gas, vending machine snacks, etc, it was close. We got the numbers closer by determining my wife could launder and iron my dress shirts rather than a cleaning service, we could switch back to icky cloth diapers, she could cook more and I could bring leftovers for lunch rather than going out with co-workers, I would buy a lawnmower and fire the lawn service. I bought a junk car from an auction for $2500 and postponed buying my first new car. We dropped health club memberships and just went running of bicycling instead. We had several garage sales.

It was really hard at first. We forgot that she and the kids were insured through her employer. Putting them on my insurance was too expensive, so we just bought catastrophic health insurance. We cut back on everything. Dinners and drinks with friends, movies, eating out, no name brand foods, reduced driving, cut back on charity donations. . .. It was still tight and sometimes we had to use credit cards to cover emergency expenses - cars breaking down, medical issues, airfare for a family crises, etc.

We had friends over for barbeques instead of going out and it was BYOB (booze) and BYOB (Burger) and bring some for us too please. We supplied coals and corn. We went hiking in the national forest instead of going to movies or out to clubs or bars with friends. Some things did not work out. I discovered I needed to go out to lunch with my coworkers once or twice a week at least to keep up with developments and opportunities. Because we lived very close to the office, my wife often brought a picnic and sometimes my co workers would sit outside with us and the babies and eat lunch rather than going out. The hardest part was learning to accept help from other people. That was also the key to survival.

It was tough and we remained in debt for a lot longer than we otherwise would have. We had to postpone buying a house - which turned out to be a good thing, because the market cycled and we got a much nicer house for a lot less money six years later.

We would not trade doing that for anything. The entire family was better off, happier, closer. My wife discovered that being a Mom was her true calling in life. She started Mom groups so she had some socialization during the day. She provided advice and help to a lot of new moms (especially after kids 3, 4 and 5 came along). When the kids got older, she worked part time at our church as the outreach coordinator - a job that she loved and found more fulfilling that her previous career path. Watching what it takes to be supermom, it is abundantly clear you cannot be the best mom and wife that you can be and the best career professional that you can be. Something has to give. There is no doing all of those things.

We feel inordinately blessed that we were able to do this. I am both awed and saddened by seeing the large number of single moms that I have worked with over the years. They struggled to maintain their careers because they had mom obligations that had to take priority very frequently. They struggled to maintain their household and kids well being because they simply could not be available for all the events, appointments and daily care. It is unimaginably hard to juggle both and ultimately impossible to be the best that you can be at either. Even with spousal support, it cannot be done. Notwithstanding the BS about giving 110%, there is only 100% to give. if 50% of you is directed to one thing, you do not can only direct 50% to the other. And yes a career as a mom, at least a supermom, takes 100% just like any other career does. No matter who you are, you cannot give your all to two different endeavors, because anything that takes away form the endeavor eliminates the availability of "all". Realistically, you cannot give 100% to anything, you have to devote at least 20% to yourself and family chores regardless of what you do (sleeping, showring, eating cooking grocery shopping, at least some tiny bit of social life and/or hobby/relaxation). That means any person, mom, dad, or career professional has only about 80% to give to anything.

So take a career attorney/mom as an example. She is in competition with me for clients/ promotions, partnership, better cases, etc. I can give 80% of my time and focus to my career. developing clients and other career obligations, and 20% to my family and personal needs as necessary. Attorney mom cannot. She must allocate the same minimal 20% to personal and household needs, plus an additional 30% to being a good mom. Then she is only dedicating 50% to her career and trying to compete with my 80%. Plus she is only dedicating 30% to being a good mom, while my wife is dedicating 70% to being a good mom, 10% to supporting me and 20% to personal and family needs. Eventually I will pull ahead and at the same time, our kids will be better off than hers. The only advantage she has (assuming she is married) is more money. More money is worthless (been there. It does not make things any better).

However some women are better cut out to be an attorney (or other professional) than they are a mom. For them, it is more practical to hire people to be the Mom and focus more on their career. Or be married to a stay at home dad. However this fantasy that you can excel at both is pure BS invented by people who wanted to make women feel inadequate. The worst example of this concept is epitomized in an old perfume ad: "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never ever let you forget you're a man. Because I am a woman, by Enjoli" BS. If you are bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, then you man better be changing diapers, managing homework, helping in the classroom, attending performances and games, meeting contractors, driving to the dr visits, etc. The absurd idea that women are supposed to do it all and do it really well is an affront to reality and an affront to women. You cannot. Pick one and pay for the other.
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