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Sounds like kids remember and appreciate when their parents are present and doing things with them, whether those things cost $$$ or $.
Not really big news.
Kids remember and appreciate activities of an interest to them. You can spend a lot of money on an activity, but if the child has no particular interest, it will be a waste. I have never liked spectator sports, so taking me to a football, basketball, baseball game, etc., would have been a total waste of money. To another kid who loves sports, that would be fantastic. I loved travel and absolutely remembered, as did my cousins and sister. Just because your kids didn’t doesn’t mean all kids don’t. I had one coworker who sailed around the world with her husband and child. It was apparently such a success that her husband did it again alone with their child (homeschooling experience both times). Obviously if he didn’t get anything out if it, they wouldn’t have gone for it a second time.
I just think it is ridiculous to say it is stupid to spend money on things because kids won’t remember. That isn’t necessarily true. If the kid likes the activity, s/he will probably remember it fondly. Some kids may also have a real talent at something and would benefit from having the parents focus their time/money on that.
A parent never knows which experiences a child will remember, but if you can provide a variety of experiences, at least some will be memorable. I absolutely agree that they don't need to be expensive endeavors and that simple things will do especially with pre-teens. But taking kids to play in the park, to community events, sporting events, church events, the beach if it is nearby, to visit relatives, whatever, all of these things will enrich their lives.
Also, even if a child turns out not to directly remember a certain event or vacation, that doesn't mean it didn't help shape them as a person. As an analogy, parents read books to their children, NOT so they will recall the stories later in life (they most likely won't), but so that they will learn how language works and how a story is told. They will develop a rich vocabulary. How do you, as an adult, know what English words mean? Because you heard them in context over and over, even if you don't have any recollection of when or how that happened. And by going out and experiencing life, you learn about how the world works. You don't have to remember all the specifics.
Beyond that, if a child has an interest in something and it's affordable and convenient for the parents to provide it, by all means they should do so. And it's also okay to require children to at least try things they aren't sure they would like, for a while. You never know. I required my children to take two years of music lessons, but it became apparent they had no talent and weren't interested in playing an instrument, so after that they were allowed to quit. On the other hand, my oldest had an obvious talent for and interest in art, so she took art lessons at her request for many years.
On the other hand, I've known parents who required their children to go out for a sport in high school. That's great for many kids, but would have been my worst nightmare. Another family I know required each child to take music lessons from age six until high school graduation. That would have been fine with me; torture for my sister. I think the cases where a child was forced to do something for years and eventually realized they loved it are few and far between.
Also, even if a child turns out not to directly remember a certain event or vacation, that doesn't mean it didn't help shape them as a person. As an analogy, parents read books to their children, NOT so they will recall the stories later in life (they most likely won't), but so that they will learn how language works and how a story is told. They will develop a rich vocabulary. How do you, as an adult, know what English words mean? Because you heard them in context over and over, even if you don't have any recollection of when or how that happened. And by going out and experiencing life, you learn about how the world works. You don't have to remember all the specifics.
IMO, travel is important not because you remember where you visited, but because of what you learn by the experience itself. You become exposed to people, places, cultures, languages and foods that are different from what you know. You learn patience, flexibility, problem solving, and how to entertain yourself.
Some of the meanest, most narrow minded people I know are the ones who haven’t traveled.
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Beyond that, if a child has an interest in something and it's affordable and convenient for the parents to provide it, by all means they should do so. And it's also okay to require children to at least try things they aren't sure they would like, for a while. You never know. I required my children to take two years of music lessons, but it became apparent they had no talent and weren't interested in playing an instrument, so after that they were allowed to quit. On the other hand, my oldest had an obvious talent for and interest in art, so she took art lessons at her request for many years.
Maybe this is stating the obvious, but you have to throw a bunch of stuff at your kids and see what sticks.
Maybe this is stating the obvious, but you have to throw a bunch of stuff at your kids and see what sticks.
But, do you? Or do we trust that they can find what interests them?
I really appreciate your post, OP. I'm in the thick of it with 3 kiddos and that feeling of "never good enough" and "doing it all wrong" all of the time. We have not pushed our kids to take music lessons, try sports, etc. because we have neither the time nor money to give myself that PITA. So it does feel as though we are 'failing' them, especially when we are surrounded by more affluent families with stay-at-home PTA warrior types that cater to the kids 100%.
It has been abundantly clear to me, even before birth, that my kids are their own people. It doesn't matter what I want/say/do to a large extent. I see my job more like "Don't break it and then stand out of the way."
It's reassuring to hear from those who have BTDT that we're not ruining everything.
They remember some of them, but they seem to remember simple things more than fancy trips. The morning spent dancing wildly was more remembered than the trip to Mexico to do mission work, or the trip to XYZ fancy place. The ski trip? A ew of them remember being terrified and hating skiing, but nothing else about the trip. The fact is, you can build great experiences and memories without spending money. Spending a lot to go to exotic places does not increase the likelihood of memorable experiences. It does not introduce them to foreign cultures and does not provide other benefits that are often touted. What do our kids remember learning about foreign cultures? In our neighborhood and in their schools. Trips? No not really.
Most memorable things they talk about: Building a playhouse with Dad, driving to school singing the songs that I had on various cassette tapes in my car; mom helping them create halloween costumes; singing in the Christmas pageant at church; a car accident. . . . The fancy trips and experiences - not much memory of them other than that we went and maybe an event or two that happened. We thought those trips were creating great memorable experience while failing to notice the things that actually created great memorable experiences for them.
The point is focusing spending on those sorts of things is somewhat pointless. Both because you do not know or control what they will remember, and because they do not remember a while lot, especially when they are very young.
You keep focusing on fancy trips. Many trips are done on a budget when parents are young. Renting a camper in CA to see the Redwoods, a connection and stay in Iceland to get a cheap air fare to see grandparents in England, staying at a friends apartment in downtown Toronto, sitting through a time share sales pitch for cheap flights to Vegas and then renting a car to see the Grand Canyon, snd booking flights early to Hawaii for Mom’s work conference and using the rooming allowance to stay at a VRBO are a few of our grandkids experience. They do everything on the cheap and that usually ends in a memorable experiences.
Our son and DIL value experiences over things on a beer budget. Groupons, coupons, frequent flyer mileage and any means to save money goes into their trip planning. Our grandkids are having a great childhood filled with memories and none are even close to being considered fancy.
Going overboard and spending $25K a year so your child can pursue an expensive activity that they're only so so enjoying to the detriment of the family's finances... well, that's not a sound financial decision.
But just because you invest money in an activity and a child ultimately chooses not to pursue it as an adult doesn't mean that was wasted time or money.
When we were children, my mother insisted that we give many activities a fair try. We had to try several sports for one year. We had to do piano for quite a few years. We did band. We sang in choir for years. We did ballet and each did another form of dance--several years each. We did an art class for a year outside of school. We did a science camp. We did an art camp. We did scouts for several years. Did I continue with all of those things? No. But by sampling such a wide variety of activities, I was able to discover my true passion--music. I knew by the time I was in high school that I wanted to become a music teacher, which is what I pursued as an adult. Had my mother not had me try all those things as a child, I might never have discovered what I truly loved to do.
But, do you? Or do we trust that they can find what interests them?
I really appreciate your post, OP. I'm in the thick of it with 3 kiddos and that feeling of "never good enough" and "doing it all wrong" all of the time. We have not pushed our kids to take music lessons, try sports, etc. because we have neither the time nor money to give myself that PITA. So it does feel as though we are 'failing' them, especially when we are surrounded by more affluent families with stay-at-home PTA warrior types that cater to the kids 100%.
It has been abundantly clear to me, even before birth, that my kids are their own people. It doesn't matter what I want/say/do to a large extent. I see my job more like "Don't break it and then stand out of the way."
It's reassuring to hear from those who have BTDT that we're not ruining everything.
Well yes, I think it’s essential to expose your kids to a lot of various things.
They need to try lots of different foods, for example. They need to listen to lots of different types of music, read different authors, visit various places.
Children can’t pick up something they don’t know about.
However, exposing children to things doesn’t necessarily cost a lot of money initially.
Chris Botti, the renowned trumpet player, said his life changed when he brought home a Miles Davis record from the library. But had he not had a parent taking him to the library, encouraging him to check out records, that would never have happened.
We exposed our kids to lots of different activities and items. By 11, my son found his passion. We didn’t start investing in it until he was in high school. Having that passion, which he turned into a skill and the beginnings of a career, has positively affected his whole life. He wouldn’t have that if we didn’t encourage him to try new things.
Nowhere did I say you should PUSH your child to be one thing or another, so I’m not sure why you bring that up in your response.
I wanted to add, our kids were small when the 2008 financial crisis hit. We were broke, but there are still ways to enrich your children that don’t cost much money.
You don’t need to be rich, but you need to be creative and hands on.
I agree to some of your point. I don’t think costly private schools will make my kid more academically better than public schools. I do believe in exposing my kid to all the great experiences in life though. I’ve enjoyed numerous vacations with my kid since she’s a toddler. I took her on a Bahama cruise so she could play at the one of the nicest beach. I basically took her on at least a couple of long vacations and many mini vacations as time permitted. Of course, I still went on solo for an adult vacation at least once a year. I didn’t buy her expensive toys or clothes when she’s little. Now, it’s a bit different that she’s a teenager, her toys and clothes are getting a bit more expensive, but she’s never flashy. She’s also a foodie and a great cook because of all the best cuisines I’ve introduced to her. I think it’s well worth the money for all those precious moments I’ve spent with my kid.
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