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Some of my friends and family constantly ask about me having kids. They go on and on about how cute they are and how much fun they are. However, after a drink or two, they open up about how time consuming kids are and how much trouble they are. I've even had one friend who admitted she regretted having children.
Why do you think many people are dishonest about the realities of having children? If not dishonest, they never seem to be mention all of the negatives.
It’s a common trait people have, to put up a front.
They’ll also gush over how much they love their 5000sqft house, 2 cars, boat and RV… then have a few drinks and confess that they’re almost bankrupt and drowning in payments.
I think having kids is great. I know others who realized after the fact that it doesn’t really suit them. My dad for one has said he never quite knew how to be a dad, which is why my entire memory of him is him locked in the home office, working overtime.
The real issue with your friends and family is that they need to understand that having kids is not like buying a new toy… you don’t do it because your neighbors did it… you do it because you have love to give…
I dunno. Would they? There have been surprising studies that would challenge that. Many stated they love their kids dearly but would have opted out knowing what it was like after they had them.
i agree with this.
there are parents who find having kids a very positive experience.
however there are a whole lot of parents who do not find it to be a positive experience. And would choose NOT to have kids, if they knew what was in store for them and what parenting entailed.
there is nothing wrong with admitting that.
my adult kids are now in their 30s. Would i have children again knowing what I know now? No, i would not.
I found parenting overall to be very difficult. And i do not find that the "rewards" outweigh the significant difficulties. There is nothing bad or wrong or flawed or shameful in admitting that.
I think it is wonderful now that it is much more acceptable for people to choose NOT to have kids. There is no stigma, and i applaud those who make that decision. i think more and more people will be going that route in the future.
For the downsides, they just want to complain and vent. That's all it is.
I never take anyone seriously who says this. If given the option to go back in time and literally choose not to have their kid(s), they wouldn't do it. 99% of parents would choose to keep their kids due to all the "good parts" they always talk about, and it wouldn't even be close. They're just complaining when they say stuff like that.
choosing to not have kids, does not mean you want to get rid of the kids you had.
it isn't about you don't like the individual kids you had. it isn't about you wish they were not around.
it means you would choose to not have kids. you would choose to NOT become a parent.
and no it is not "just complaining." it is recognizing that knowing what parenting is like (NOTE: "parenting" / NOT "the kids you had") and what parenting entails, they would choose not to have kids.
and yes, there are a lot of people in that category.
choosing to not have kids, does not mean you want to get rid of the kids you had.
it isn't about you don't like the individual kids you had. it isn't about you wish they were not around.
it means you would choose to not have kids. you would choose to NOT become a parent.
and no it is not "just complaining." it is recognizing that knowing what parenting is like (NOTE: "parenting" / NOT "the kids you had") and what parenting entails, they would choose not to have kids.
and yes, there are a lot of people in that category.
That is actually my point. The word "regret" gets thrown around too easily. If someone said to the OP's friend that they can make a hard decision to reverse their alleged regret and go back in time and not have kids - the specific kids they did have, because they represent the regret being talked about - they wouldn't do it. They absolutely wouldn't do it. That makes it a complaint and not a real regret.
That doesn't even mean they're being dishonest, it just means having kids is just like anything else in life with the good and the bad; it would fall more in the "sacrifice" category than "regret."
That is actually my point. The word "regret" gets thrown around too easily. If someone said to the OP's friend that they can make a hard decision to reverse their alleged regret and go back in time and not have kids - the specific kids they did have, because they represent the regret being talked about - they wouldn't do it. They absolutely wouldn't do it. That makes it a complaint and not a real regret.
That doesn't even mean they're being dishonest, it just means having kids is just like anything else in life with the good and the bad; it would fall more in the "sacrifice" category than "regret."
but there ARE people, and a great many people, who DO regret having kids.
And that is NOT a complaint. It IS a regret.
You can't say with certainty what other people are feeling, when there are those of us who are flat out honestly stating they would choose NOT to have kids. Not because they don't like the kids they had. But because parenting is something they now recognize they don't want to take on, or are not well suited for, or the would rather be doing something else instead.
And again sacrifice is not regret either. Stop trying to change what people are expressing to be something else.
Some of my friends and family constantly ask about me having kids. They go on and on about how cute they are and how much fun they are. However, after a drink or two, they open up about how time consuming kids are and how much trouble they are. I've even had one friend who admitted she regretted having children.
Why do you think many people are dishonest about the realities of having children? If not dishonest, they never seem to be mention all of the negatives.
I don't really know anyone that is dishonest about having kids. Thankfully, most folks I know are great parents and have terrific kids. Personally my son is the best thing that ever happened to me. Certainly there have been challenges - to deny that would be ludicrous. However nothing in my life has ever brought me as much joy. And that's complete honesty.
I don’t believe its an issue of dishonesty. Having your own child brings out an almost unexplainable, primal instinct of pure attachment in most parents. Its like suddenly you have an organ in your body with a function you never thought possible. Perhaps a second heart that colors all your feelings and decisions for the balance of your life. Now pretend that second heart made your taste buds, your hearing, your ability to empathize, and your instinctual reactions to all things emotional heightened beyond your imagination…both good and bad things. So, now you love more deeply, you hurt more painfully, you listen more accurately. And all that costs you immeasurable pain and money. But would you cut out that second heart? Never. Would you feel sympathy for someone childless — or that perhaps another’s life was lacking without that second heart —. Yes, quite likely.
but there ARE people, and a great many people, who DO regret having kids.
And that is NOT a complaint. It IS a regret.
You can't say with certainty what other people are feeling, when there are those of us who are flat out honestly stating they would choose NOT to have kids. Not because they don't like the kids they had. But because parenting is something they now recognize they don't want to take on, or are not well suited for, or the would rather be doing something else instead.
And again sacrifice is not regret either. Stop trying to change what people are expressing to be something else.
The "people component" cannot be removed from the equation when someone says, "I regret having kids." It's simply not possible to thread the needle when someone says that. If given the choice to wave a wand and *poof* their kids never existed, that they would choose to do that just because they find parenting tough or they themselves feel they're bad parents for whatever reasons they internalize their failures to be so? More than likely what they mean is that they suck at their parenting gig and would choose not to do it again. Not the same thing as raw regret at all; just because someone says they regret being a parent because they're a bad one, which is an internalization that may not be rational, that isn't the same thing as saying they literally regret the existence of their kids. It's that they have regrets about how they went about parenting.
To be sure, if, say, someone says they would wave the wand, full stop, and *poof* their kids go away and never would have existed, and they really, really meant it, then it would count as a full-blown regret. Because, quite frankly, that would be a pretty drastic statement to make. To reiterate, "I'm a terrible parent" and "parenting is tough stuff that I've failed at" is not the same thing as "kids go *poof*."
"Being a parent is tough but I love them and wouldn't change a thing" has been said since time immemorial.
Sometimes I think "I shoulda broke up with my first husband after the first year of dating" because come to find out, we weren't that compatible. But...I didn't know that then, and I didn't know that relationships didn't have to be as hard as it turned out to be...but if I'd broke up with him way back then, then I wouldn't have had my 2 boys. And then, my thought process just stops...my kids are uniquely who they are. And I think even if God had shown me a scenario of something like "Look Sassy...if you had broke up with him, you would've eventually met so and so and had THESE kids instead...I would still choose the exact kids that I have...because they are who I know and love, and I don't want to think about a world without them in it.
but there ARE people, and a great many people, who DO regret having kids.
And that is NOT a complaint. It IS a regret.
.
You've seen the list of these great many people?
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