Quote:
Originally Posted by southernbelle2
Keep in mind she literally always has motivation for games on her iPad or hanging with her friends. Funny how that works!
Here are my issues:
1. How do I motivate or wean her to become more independent?
2. Do you think virtual online classes would be a good fit for her?
3. Do I let her sink or swim? This is a hard one. I have a BS in Engineering
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7th grade through 9th grade (13-15 years old, and for some to 17 years old) is THE AGE. Regardless if they have ADHD or not, they lose interest in studying, overall. It is called "adolescence". Yes, they prefer to be on their phones and iPads at this age. Yes, they always have time for that. Sometimes deep into the night. Sometimes to 4-5 am.
When I faced this issue, I had the same questions and fears ("how come, me! with my degrees! and my child may head towards who knows what instead!"). I now know that nearly every parent faces these questions with their 13-15 year olds.
1. "more independent" is a stretched in time phenomena. You do it in tiny pieces over the years. Through talks, through stories about yourself and relatives, through visiting places ("showing the world"), through delegating small tasks, through never losing contact with child the person, regardless of what is happening in her school, - but never at once and at the time when you need it. It correlates with "growing up". They are maturing up until 19yo and no faster than that. (The brain may keep maturing till 30yo). The good news is that teachers at school know it. A teacher has 20-30 such adolescents with puffy eyes from iPad-scrolling deep into the night. They know about this age. Try not to feel that you have the only child in the world with these issues and that you are the only parent in the world who "is failing" their child.
2. Virtual classes may or may not be good, it depends on the personality. Overall, the frontal lobes of 13 year olds are underdeveloped, yet, and they are not good at controlling their distractions (scrolling iPad), and won't be until 17 yo or so. But depends on the individual.
3. you will have less and less authority to make her "swim". You will slowly realize that the "external motivation" is a myth; that there should be a spark within her: how that happens, is outside of your power; she may stumble on an energetic teacher, or in some other way. You are slowly relinquishing her study to her. Even now, you are already at the end of your rope, and you won't be able to keep this much longer; you both are changing right now; the adolescence changes not just your child, but you as well. Exhausted parents have no choice but to protect themselves, their own health and sanity, in the end.
It's not good to be letting her sink, neither. After trials and errors, I invented a middle path: letting my kids be during the school year, and making them spend an hour (or two, depends) a day during summers on subjects that I thought were more important for us/them (math, physics, chemistry). I got books/textbooks for the following grade (after catching up on the subject material first, if needed), my kids felt better in school having better grades because the subjects were familiar already. An hour a day wasn't as taxing, and I was more relaxed and available during those lazy summer days to explain if they had questions. It probably wouldn't work with every family, kids may be more rebellious than mine were, but that was my solution.
Overall, I had to also adjust my own expectations - the very same "how come! I have B.Sc. in Engineering!" should have to be tamed. One child started refusing going to university, so this was
me coming to terms that all she may end up with would be community college. My own coming to terms also didn't happen overnight. One day, you both look at "game development" and visiting a university during open doors. The next year, she refuses everything and wants to "start working as soon as possible" and "math scares her". We can't force a person to do the straight path we envisioned for them. Their own path may end up much more complicated and
they have a right to their own path (the hardest idea, possibly, for the parents to swallow). Anyways, my daughter was accepted into a community college (not without nervous waiting, since her grades were not so stellar) so that makes me (who is void from vanity by now) more or less at peace. It helps that her program is in software, but we definitely had an ornate path to get here.
You just have to believe that your kid will turn out OK in the end.
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