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I guess everyone is missing the point. In momma's house momma is right. And if you question her on it or don't agree with it then you have every right not to come over anymore. You don't go to someone else's house and tell them how they are wrong in their house.
But now if you don't go then you're the one wrong.
I have to be honest in that this is not someone I'd want in my life mother or not.
She feels she has the right to spank the child because it is her great grandchild. I agree with you. An 18 month old is not capable of understanding what to touch and what not to touch. So to spank her for touching a grand canyon refrigerator magnet is silly. She's just one of those old school moms/grandma/and now great-grandma who just feels they are right about everything. Yeah, I can refuse to take the baby over to the family home but then all the other siblings would feel I'm wrong for doing that.
Last year I bought the baby a really pretty Christmas dress and my sister took her to church that sunday. By the time I got to the family house my mom couldn't get the dress off her so instead of letting my sister just undress her my mom took a pair of scissors and cut both the sleeves up to the baby's shoulders so she could take the dress off her. Now some may say it's just a dress but I looked at it this way. (1) There are certain outfits I keep as keepsakes. The outfit they came home from the hospital in. Her christening gown. Certain outfits. And (2) I don't care if that is your great grandchild, if you didn't buy it you don't have the right to destroy it. The outfit that I wanted to also keep was her first Christmas dress. Mom decided that she knows better than anyone else so when she couldn't figure out how to get the baby out of the dress instead of someone else taking the responsibility of undressing the baby they all just sat around while mom took scissors to the baby's sleeves. No one stopped her. Technically I still have the dress but both the sleeves are cut and are beyond repair. When I got there and found out about it I was furious and confronted our mom. This was her reply, "ok, yeah, I cut it, so what." I grabbed the baby and left. Again, no one wants to cross mom. It's her house and she's right on everything.
This woman is off her rocker! I would not be bringing that baby over there. Who cuts clothes off a baby? A crazy person.
I guess everyone is missing the point. In momma's house momma is right. And if you question her on it or don't agree with it then you have every right not to come over anymore. You don't go to someone else's house and tell them how they are wrong in their house.
But now if you don't go then you're the one wrong.
Stop going there! I don't know why this is so difficult. The woman is not right in the head. She can be right and she can be right by herself.
I guess everyone is missing the point. In momma's house momma is right. And if you question her on it or don't agree with it then you have every right not to come over anymore. You don't go to someone else's house and tell them how they are wrong in their house.
But now if you don't go then you're the one wrong.
yea I don't know. My mom had 11 kids. Yes she would spank us - we were brats - lol.
But her very many grandkids, great grandkids, great great grandkids - omg no - they were treated like royalty -
yea I don't know. My mom had 11 kids. Yes she would spank us - we were brats - lol.
But her very many grandkids, great grandkids, great great grandkids - omg no - they were treated like royalty -
And this is the point I'm trying to make. We as siblings were taught to tote the line and keep everything in place and even if we had a thought about doing something wrong mom would correct us. Yes, we were spanked as kids because we as kids got into stuff that deserved us getting spanked. When we all grew up, moved out, and started having kids ourselves the grandkids, as you say, were treated as royalty. Now that my daughter had the family's first official great-grandchild you would have thought the heavens would have opened up for my mom. They didn't. It seems like she doubled down on the disciplining.
My daughter just dropped the baby off for the day and I was in the kitchen fixing her breakfast and she's walking around. In our bottom cabinets we keep our Tupperware bowls and plastic mixing bowls and my g-baby knows that. She opened the cabinet and pulled out a plastic take out container and started playing with it. My mom would have had a fit. It's a plastic bowl, again, not a knife or cleaning chemicals. In my mom's voice, "yall need to teach her to not go under the counter." In out living room right now the floor is full of her toys. That would have never flown in my parent's house. One toy in your area where you sit all day and don't move. My mom would have a fit if she came to our house right now and had to step over toys, a sippy cup, a blanket. Again, what was done 40 years ago doesn't work now.
Think back to when you were a child, I know at least for me. The parents in the entire neighborhood could spank you and send you home. That was the norm back when I was a kid. But now you can't even look at someone's child the wrong way without the cops being called. Things change, we all know that. But my mom hasn't. You either do it her way or you keep your child at home. "If I can't spank them then keep them at home." I'm not saying spanking is wrong because there is a major difference between a spanking and a beating. And again, not everyone has to adopt to your way of thinking simply because you say spanking is abuse. A pop on the hand is nowhere near the same and beating a child with a belt or extension cord.
And it's just other things my mom has issues with. I fed the baby her breakfast and gave her some juice. Given that mom dropped her off early this morning to get to work I let her play a few minutes then laid her across my lap to put her down for a morning nap. Within a few minutes she fell asleep. There have been times when we've been at great-grandma's house and me or my sister would lay her on our laps for a nap or I'll rock her in my arms till she falls asleep and my mom would look at us like we had 2 heads. "You don't rock a baby to sleep. You lay their buts in the bed and dare them to get up." It's just these old school ideas she has that may have worked years ago but those ideas aren't relevant anymore. I love that connection with my g-baby. How she looks up at me and the last thing she sees before her eyes finally close is my face. Again, my mom had a house to tend to and she didn't have time to rock every baby to sleep. I do. I work from home so I'm sitting here at my desk right now. It's no problem for me but it's a major problem for my mom.
And I do see it this way. If great-grandma was one of the baby's caregivers during the week that would be one thing. But you see her for a few hours on Sunday afternoon and maybe I'll take the baby over during the week for an hour or so for my dad to see her. He's 85 and not in the best of health. I want him to spend as much time with her as possible. But if she's only there, at most, 5 maybe 6 hours a week then I don't think you have the right to just discipline her simply because (a) she's in your house and (b) she's your flesh and blood. But now if I say anything to mom about it then I'm the outcast and the family is on my case for saying anything to our mom and not spanking the baby for simply little things. Again I'd hear, "well keep your baby at home then."
Last edited by Confused2022; 10-13-2022 at 07:17 AM..
And this is the point I'm trying to make. We as siblings were taught to tote the line and keep everything in place and even if we had a thought about doing something wrong mom would correct us. Yes, we were spanked as kids because we as kids got into stuff that deserved us getting spanked. When we all grew up, moved out, and started having kids ourselves the grandkids, as you say, were treated as royalty. Now that my daughter had the family's first official great-grandchild you would have thought the heavens would have opened up for my mom. They didn't. It seems like she doubled down on the disciplining.
My daughter just dropped the baby off for the day and I was in the kitchen fixing her breakfast and she's walking around. In our bottom cabinets we keep our Tupperware bowls and plastic mixing bowls and my g-baby knows that. She opened the cabinet and pulled out a plastic take out container and started playing with it. My mom would have had a fit. It's a plastic bowl, again, not a knife or cleaning chemicals. In my mom's voice, "yall need to teach her to not go under the counter." In out living room right now the floor is full of her toys. That would have never flown in my parent's house. One toy in your area where you sit all day and don't move. My mom would have a fit if she came to our house right now and had to step over toys, a sippy cup, a blanket. Again, what was done 40 years ago doesn't work now.
Think back to when you were a child, I know at least for me. The parents in the entire neighborhood could spank you and send you home. That was the norm back when I was a kid. But now you can't even look at someone's child the wrong way without the cops being called. Things change, we all know that. But my mom hasn't. You either do it her way or you keep your child at home. "If I can't spank them then keep them at home." I'm not saying spanking is wrong because there is a major difference between a spanking and a beating. And again, not everyone has to adopt to your way of thinking simply because you say spanking is abuse. A pop on the hand is nowhere near the same and beating a child with a belt or extension cord.
And it's just other things my mom has issues with. I fed the baby her breakfast and gave her some juice. Given that mom dropped her off early this morning to get to work I let her play a few minutes then laid her across my lap to put her down for a morning nap. Within a few minutes she fell asleep. There have been times when we've been at great-grandma's house and me or my sister would lay her on our laps for a nap or I'll rock her in my arms till she falls asleep and my mom would look at us like we had 2 heads. "You don't rock a baby to sleep. You lay their buts in the bed and dare them to get up." It's just these old school ideas she has that may have worked years ago but those ideas aren't relevant anymore. I love that connection with my g-baby. How she looks up at me and the last thing she sees before her eyes finally close is my face. Again, my mom had a house to tend to and she didn't have time to rock every baby to sleep. I do. I work from home so I'm sitting here at my desk right now. It's no problem for me but it's a major problem for my mom.
And I do see it this way. If great-grandma was one of the baby's caregivers during the week that would be one thing. But you see her for a few hours on Sunday afternoon and maybe I'll take the baby over during the week for an hour or so for my dad to see her. He's 85 and not in the best of health. I want him to spend as much time with her as possible. But if she's only there, at most, 5 maybe 6 hours a week then I don't think you have the right to just discipline her simply because (a) she's in your house and (b) she's your flesh and blood. But now if I say anything to mom about it then I'm the outcast and the family is on my case for saying anything to our mom and not spanking the baby for simply little things. Again I'd hear, "well keep your baby at home then."
One key thing. This is NOT great grandma's child! Times have changed. Why was it ever acceptable to spank a child? Children don't know anything when they're born. They can't even hold their head up! It's up to the adults in their life to teach them not hurt them.
So be the outcast! Be the one to stand up for a child!
And this is the point I'm trying to make. We as siblings were taught to tote the line and keep everything in place and even if we had a thought about doing something wrong mom would correct us. Yes, we were spanked as kids because we as kids got into stuff that deserved us getting spanked. When we all grew up, moved out, and started having kids ourselves the grandkids, as you say, were treated as royalty. Now that my daughter had the family's first official great-grandchild you would have thought the heavens would have opened up for my mom. They didn't. It seems like she doubled down on the disciplining.
My daughter just dropped the baby off for the day and I was in the kitchen fixing her breakfast and she's walking around. In our bottom cabinets we keep our Tupperware bowls and plastic mixing bowls and my g-baby knows that. She opened the cabinet and pulled out a plastic take out container and started playing with it. My mom would have had a fit. It's a plastic bowl, again, not a knife or cleaning chemicals. In my mom's voice, "yall need to teach her to not go under the counter." In out living room right now the floor is full of her toys. That would have never flown in my parent's house. One toy in your area where you sit all day and don't move. My mom would have a fit if she came to our house right now and had to step over toys, a sippy cup, a blanket. Again, what was done 40 years ago doesn't work now.
Think back to when you were a child, I know at least for me. The parents in the entire neighborhood could spank you and send you home. That was the norm back when I was a kid. But now you can't even look at someone's child the wrong way without the cops being called. Things change, we all know that. But my mom hasn't. You either do it her way or you keep your child at home. "If I can't spank them then keep them at home." I'm not saying spanking is wrong because there is a major difference between a spanking and a beating. And again, not everyone has to adopt to your way of thinking simply because you say spanking is abuse. A pop on the hand is nowhere near the same and beating a child with a belt or extension cord.
And it's just other things my mom has issues with. I fed the baby her breakfast and gave her some juice. Given that mom dropped her off early this morning to get to work I let her play a few minutes then laid her across my lap to put her down for a morning nap. Within a few minutes she fell asleep. There have been times when we've been at great-grandma's house and me or my sister would lay her on our laps for a nap or I'll rock her in my arms till she falls asleep and my mom would look at us like we had 2 heads. "You don't rock a baby to sleep. You lay their buts in the bed and dare them to get up." It's just these old school ideas she has that may have worked years ago but those ideas aren't relevant anymore. I love that connection with my g-baby. How she looks up at me and the last thing she sees before her eyes finally close is my face. Again, my mom had a house to tend to and she didn't have time to rock every baby to sleep. I do. I work from home so I'm sitting here at my desk right now. It's no problem for me but it's a major problem for my mom.
And I do see it this way. If great-grandma was one of the baby's caregivers during the week that would be one thing. But you see her for a few hours on Sunday afternoon and maybe I'll take the baby over during the week for an hour or so for my dad to see her. He's 85 and not in the best of health. I want him to spend as much time with her as possible. But if she's only there, at most, 5 maybe 6 hours a week then I don't think you have the right to just discipline her simply because (a) she's in your house and (b) she's your flesh and blood. But now if I say anything to mom about it then I'm the outcast and the family is on my case for saying anything to our mom and not spanking the baby for simply little things. Again I'd hear, "well keep your baby at home then."
So...would you say your granddaughter is in the wrong, if she walks into the bathroom? Is she wrong for taking a refrigerator magnet? Do you think that deserves punishment?
So...be the outcast then. Set the new trend. Tell your siblings that you will gladly keep this baby home, rather than being unjustly punished for simply being a baby. If they want to see the baby, they can come to your place. Your house, your rules. Advocate for this little one who can't advocate for herself.
Think back to when you were a child, I know at least for me. The parents in the entire neighborhood could spank you and send you home. That was the norm back when I was a kid. "
Oh hell no. Not in my neighborhood. I never saw another adult spank a child my entire life. I guess they did that in private. Our play time was supervised and if a kid misbehaved they were put in time out until the parents came to get them. By the time I was allowed to wander freely in the neighborhood I was at least 11 or 12. If someone had tried to spank me or hit me my dad would have gotten the police involved.
Oh hell no. Not in my neighborhood. I never saw another adult spank a child my entire life. I guess they did that in private. Our play time was supervised and if a kid misbehaved they were put in time out until the parents came to get them. By the time I was allowed to wander freely in the neighborhood I was at least 11 or 12. If someone had tried to spank me or hit me my dad would have gotten the police involved.
This was the late-60s/early-70s.
What kind of neighborhood did you grow up in?
When we were kids growing up, the only people who EVER laid a hand on us was our parents. But sure enough, neighbors were happy enough to tattle to our parents, if they saw us doing something we shouldn't have been doing.
I forgot about the neighbor who would molest me. But he wasn't punishing me...he was molesting me. But here's the thing about THAT. I grew up in a household that believed in spanking. While my mom was more fair about it, my dad would often spank us out of frustration. We didn't move fast enough for him, or we were coughing too loud, or we were underfoot, etc.
I learned at an early age that when a grown up says jump, you better jump. I did NOT get the lesson that I had autonomy over my own body. And when I was 5, a dentist and his assistant held me down, and the dentist climbed onto my chest, and shoved his big paw in my mouth to drill a cavity, without anesthesia to deaden the pain.
Again...I learned the lesson that adults get to hurt kids, and again, I didn't get a say in it.
And then a couple of years after that...I started getting molested by the neighbor. But I knew the lesson. When a grownup says come here...you have to do it.
So OP, you have a baby girl who's going to learn the same lessons I learned. Think about that.
I don't necessarily think that spanking is 100% always abuse, either, but... In my opinions based on my upbringing, how I raised my kids, and everything I ever observed in the family, the history of parenting in my family, and others around us... Spanking has a very LIMITED usefulness and purpose. It's for when a child is old enough to understand what you're trying to tell them, mobile, able to get themselves into danger, but too young to be reasoned with. It is the startling STOP to what could become a power struggle of defiance, particularly when the parent knows the child will be in danger if they don't comply. For us, this was around age 2-5. By 5, they could be talked to and other techniques worked better anyways. (Rewards, restricting privileges, etc.) But the problem that a ton of parents have with physical discipline, is that it isn't proper discipline at all. It's not applied with calm and consistency. It's more like a parent having a little angry fit. That was the problem in my family when I was a kid...my parents didn't punish, when I was young, in consistent ways, only when they were angry. This teaches a few things...like, rather than avoiding doing a behavior, I needed to just avoid making them mad (getting caught.) And that my parents were unreliable, and couldn't even be trusted to behave in a rational way. I lost all faith in authority. Full stop. And by the way? I'm 43 and that has NEVER changed. Also? I have no fear of physical pain...I know I can cope with that...but I cannot and will not tolerate anger. I am intensely conflict avoidant.
And that stuff...that's "if you're lucky" outcomes. Because I am a fairly functional person as an adult, actually. In some ways I didn't fully "turn out fine" especially in terms of what I dealt with in the first man I married and all...but it could have been so much worse for me.
So the biggest issue I see here, is that there is no consistency. Baby can explore and do things in other places, but when she's at GGma's house, suddenly she's constantly in trouble, and there's no way she's going to understand why. If you screamed at her in a rage, or swatted her bottom, regardless the fact is she's dealing with shifting terrain and inconsistent expectations. Which will make the actions of the adults appear to be arbitrary...not so much behavioral correction as just, meanness for no reason.
The only solution I can think of where you can still take the child to spend time with family there, is not to trust anyone else to keep an eye on her. To stay right there and watch her always, even when you hand her off to someone to hold...keep an eye on her and if they put her down, be ready to keep her occupied. Bring toys.
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