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That sounds like a very petty reason to divorce over the kid issue. I don't desire children ever, and I would hate for a woman I was with to break up with me over something that really isn't that important.
Kids are a major issue! In many states, you can get your marriage annulled if your spouse doesn't want kids. Please, please, please trust me on this. If you are in a relationship and you differ greatly over the issue of kids, break-up--don't get married thinking that the issue of kids is not important!
A few years ago my wife is talking to a long time friend. The friend is OBSESSED with having a second child. She is married, mid thirties, otherwise rational and stable. This obsession was way over the top to the point where she lost her good paying job over it.
My wife's advice: Just go ahead go out and get pregnant. Crazy.
Later her husband changed his mind and they had another kid and are fine now.
In a case where on partner does not want a child, I would always say, DON'T DO IT. Both partners should agree on something as important as this. It will only hurt your relationship in the long run.
__________________
The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. ~Henry David Thoreau
For me, it is not a money issue. I am just ready to have my life back. There are alot of things that I enjoy doing that don't involve kids or are more difficult with more kids. I also want to be able to give alot of attention to the kids we have. I have been changing diapers for the better part of 12 years now and I am ready to be done with that stage of my life.
You have a two year old. You aren't going to have a life for at least the next 12 - 13 years. What difference will it make to have another kid now and make that 13 - 14 years?
Personally, I'm with you. But you aren't going to win this. Either your wife is going to hold it against you forever or she is going to have an "accident". If you really and truly don't want another child, you better consider a vasectomy, because if you don't look out.
yes- get marriage counseling NOW!!! Don't bring another child into a marriage that is suffering-think about what divorce did to your first 2 children- don't let it happen to your one yr old son and any other potential children.. Why doesn't your wife feel that your oldest 2 children are hers? Maybe she should stop focusing on her own 2 kids and care about the ones you've already created- I mean, wouldn't that just be natural considering that she loves you so much?
You have a two year old. You aren't going to have a life for at least the next 12 - 13 years. What difference will it make to have another kid now and make that 13 - 14 years?
Personally, I'm with you. But you aren't going to win this. Either your wife is going to hold it against you forever or she is going to have an "accident". If you really and truly don't want another child, you better consider a vasectomy, because if you don't look out.
There is no winning this argument. I'm sorry.
20yrsinBranson
I actually have to disagree here. At each stage as they progress, you get more and more of your life back, unless you let them rule the house. No more diaper changing is huge - allows a lot more possibilities of what you can do as a family.
We never had the mentality that because we had a small child, all we could do were kiddy things. In fact, we were never into Disneyland, etc. type of stuff.
Our son was hiking at 5, camping, traveling, going to nice restaurants, etc.
He is now 14, almost 15. He and my husband share the love of cars with each other and spend a lot of time dinking with our sports car. We all love to go to concerts together, hang out, etc.
it's less about the baby impacting the family, and a whole lot MORE about having a major decision such as having a baby forced on someone against their will. Then the issue is not who changes the diapers, but how much resentment and unhappiness there is in the marriage. That builds and builds and explodes in their face at some point. It does NOT go away.
it's less about the baby impacting the family, and a whole lot MORE about having a major decision such as having a baby forced on someone against their will. Then the issue is not who changes the diapers, but how much resentment and unhappiness there is in the marriage. That builds and builds and explodes in their face at some point. It does NOT go away.
I totally agree with you DimSumRaja. I think a lot of divorces occur because the man is *not ready* to have a child and the woman pushes until the man gives in and ultimately regrets his decision. To the point of wanting out of the relationsihp. As any parent/father knows, having a child is a HUGE, HUGE paradigm shift in any relationship.
this thread and the posts bring up many very important facets to a complex situation
i'm thinking of three couples i've known personally where this came up:
one couple agreed to marry on the condition that neither one of them wanted kids. The wife agreed to this, however she figured she could get husband to "change his mind" so she begged and begged after they were married. He would not. Said he was clear about no kids. She "tricked him" and prentended to be on birth control when she was not and got pregnant on purpose and told him it was an accident. So we have a tricked pregnancy, a big lie to the marriage and an unwanted child by dad in the family. The lady said the marriage was totally destroyed, yet they would not divorce, staying together for the child. She said as soon as the child turns 21 or whatever they'll get divorced.
The second couple agreed to get married, neither wanted kids. After 12 years of marriage the woman decided she would like to have a baby. The husband flat out said no, and if she wants a baby to get a divorce because he will leave her if she gets pregnant. She chose to stay in the marriage without children but was miserable and she said her marriage was also destroyed because she felt she had to give up something big to please him and the marriage suffered.
The third couple were married and had two kids. Then an accidental pregnancy occurred. She wanted to keep it. He did not, said he liked their family the way it was and for her to either get an abortion, which he would support, or she could have the baby and he told her she would have to raise it on her own, as he would do absolutely NOTHING in the way of childcare and spending time with that third child. He traveled a lot with his job anyway and said he would take no time off to help her with the 3rd kid. She was having a horrible time making the decision and it put an incredible strain on the marriage. She ended up miscarrying at month 4 of the pregnancy. They stayed together but her marriage she said was damaged because she felt like she was told she had to raise the kid alone.
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