What makes a bully?

[lildl]

they been though bad times with parents and that makes then take it out on others and that proves that they dislike you or they want better than what they have bbut it might not come true so they make others suffer

[Connecticut Pam]

Any bully that I have run across while my son was growing up usually came from a meager income family, lived in a rundown section of town and some ran with gangs or other bad kids. Kids don't start out to be bad, I believe it is a learned behavior. I can recall when my son was in high school he knew a boy will call Billy whose Dad was messed up in a lot of illegal stuff, his Mom was not around anywhere so he had little or no guidance. He was the cutest kid ever with his big blue eyes and his curly hair..so softspoken and quiet when he was at my house yet my son told me he was quite the bully. My son had most of his football team over for his 17th birthday and among the players was Billy. He joined in the fun with the other kids, so I went off into another room to watch tv. Before I knew it, Billy comes into the room and sits at my feet and starts watching tv with me. We truck up a conversation that mostly consited of him talking to me about where his mother was and how lucky he felt my son was to have me. I couldn't hold back the tears.

A few weeks went by and I didn't hear much about Billy again until I see his picture and his name in the news for having stabbed and killed another young man his age. They were both 18. I was devastated.

What caused this? No parenting, not much love, no home stability with discipline and lots more. I often times wonder where he is now; he would be 41 and could very well still be in prison.

Parents....bullying starts at home and ends at home. It is up to you to ensure that your children know you are there for them, care for them and that it is wrong to ever unnecessarily inflict any kind of pain on another human being whether it be hittling them or verbally abusing them.

[33458]

Originally Posted by Nelly Nomad

Thank you so much for providing this information. Instinctually, I've always believed many of the RESEARCH parts (especially 1, 2, 3 and 10), but never knew there was actual research to back it up.

My son was a victim of bullying. He's not small, but he does tend to not "stick up" for himself. He is a Black Belt, so he *could* have physically fought back, but that's not his nature; he's quite the pacifist. Instead, he kept trying to understand *why* Bully was the way he was. Bully's relentlessness was a source of great frustration for my son. We think part of the reason Bully kept after my son was primarily because my son refused to engage with him (myth 2).

Interestingly enough, my son met up with Bully a few years after and Bully admitted, yeah, he might have been kind of a jerk to my son. We think that was his version of an apology. My son accepted. Maybe there's hope for Bully after all. In the meantime, I've bookmarked your link and will be sharing it with my son. I know he'll find it interesting.

Unfortunately I have seen documentation of a child being prosecuted for defending himself against an aggressive attack (suggesting that more than one child was at him) because his 'special training' made him dangerous...or some such garbage.
Nowadays you can't even hit back when they knock you to the ground, or else get suspended.


I encountered many bullies growing up...there was a nasty little troll that took great pride in extolling nothing but vitriol...every day I'd get on the bus and be pronounced ugly and from there to the school it just got worse...

I hated that kid.

Funny thing is, he was not popular either...small and sniveling...so it would be pretty easy to figure him out.

In later grades it was a combination of bravado and misplaced emotions that got me in to scuffles - this was back when you could still have a fist fight and get away with it, I swear the teachers IGNORED us...girls with allusions and loyalties that changed with the wind - I can still picture teenage screaming matches and idle threats in the hallway with lobbies on either side...it usually didn't come to fisticuffs but a few times it did...and I was grateful my older brother had taught me how to throw a punch else I'd have broken my own bones trying. Odd how things quieted down once a bully had been...beaten...by whatever means, being shown to be just as fragile.

Some were seriously damaged goods - one I'd had to face off with (no retreat, ready to get my beating, I was certain) later hog-tied another more defenseless girl, enlisting a few accomplices, and strung her to a tree in the woods behind the school. And left her there. Alone. It was only from her boasting that anyone knew to find the victim.

Supposedly charges were brought but I never heard how that turned out...

I've known the ilk to come from wealthy families as well as middle or lower class...it's a personality disorder.

[mamom1]

I think it comes down to the age old debate of nature vs. nurture. I used to believe, like dr.Phil, that children are a blank slate and the parents "write on it" and that determines how the children will become. Now that I am a parent, I completely disagree. I believe that children are born with their own personality and the actions of the parents/guardians can influence it to a degree. But ultimately it is how the children are born.

There are serial killers who had a wonderful upbringing with a wonderful family but they are serial killers. There are children who have horrible childhoods of abuse and poverty who grow up to be productive members of society. Who is to blame? I think it is how they are born.

My oldest son acts EXACTLY like his father did at his age. Same quirky behaviors, same defiance, his personality is like an exact replica. Problem is, he has only seen his father a couple times a year for a couple of hours each time since he was a baby. There is no way he is picking up on his father's personality traits from that limited amount of time he is with him.

So back to the OP question of what makes a bully, I think that is how they are born. I think that there are some people who have an undiagnosed mental illness or a chemical imbalance to cause them to behave in socially unacceptable ways such as bullying or serial killers, but most behaviors are ingrained from the beginning.