Bringing up Boys! (day care, teenage, spank, toddlers)

[dreameyes]

Excellent thread Hoosier_guy. I've really enjoyed reading all the posts from more experienced parents. My little guy will be three tomorow. At first I thought the hot sauce thing might have been a good idea but after what Hooier said trying it I'm not sure. I don't think I could do it if my son cried and shaked, I'd probably cry too!! Thank Goodness he doesn't have a potty mouth right now but it seems to happen more when kids are exposed to other kids. I worry about that. The one problem I have with my son (well not just one ) is that I worry he's gonna be a bully. He's very "in your face" and just...BOLD! He's not that mean with his sister although he does push her sometimes. He's scared other little kids before with his boldness. Is it just the age he's at or do you think he might have bully tendencies?
Anyway Hoosier_guy definately keep us posted on how things go. Sounds like you are just a wonderful day and I definately envy the "clean" thing (Can you talk to my husband? I wish you all the best!

[BrianG]

Having helped raise 3 boys (now 25,21 and 18)
i understand where you guys are coming from

What saved me and my sanity was getting them into sports
early
Mostly it was baseball and football starting at age 4
you have to see a kid trying to run with a football when he can't see anything because his helmet is to big for his head or hitting a ball and running to second base instead of first, but the thing is they loved it and looked forward to it (that gave my wife the advantage over them) no chores meant no practice bad grades meant no games .they caught on real quick

They will learn respect and what it means to be part of a team (with the right coach)
This will also help with the bully factor because in football no
matter how big and bad they are there will be somebody bigger and badder then they are on that field


But
when you have 3 guys all playing sports be prepared for a lot of driving
my 3 all went on to playing on traveling teams in baseball and god forbid they did not see me at their game..Since they played for the same organization
but different age groups the games were usually scheduled at different times so the directors could make as many games as possible ,there was a time where i had games going on in redhook ,prospect park and mill basin
which that probably covers the entire length of brooklyn, i made it to each game and was able to see them each get at least 1 at bat....my mistake was i went to the one in redhook first and mill basin last , when i got to mill basin they told me the team in redhook had to play another game (it was a tournament) so back to redhook i went........

Enjoy and respect them now while the are young and
when they get bigger they will be your best friends

[cassy1]

Excuse me, I am laughing so hard reading this! Not that the situation is funny, but rather it took me back in time. My children are now 31, 25 and 22, funny how this thread has taken me back to when they were younger. My son was so well behaved and never got into trouble UNTIL he turned 15. Then he gave me heck for quite a few years. Good luck you have had some wonderful advice here.

[tet tea]

Hoosier ... you are the furthest from being a bad parent than the majority of people I know. The way you talk about your family on this forum is awesome. Wish there were more wonderful Husbands and Daddies just like you in this world.
Keep those cuddle times going between Mom and son

[gigi927]

Originally Posted by fuzzymystic

I really can't go in to this right now, but you cannot force someone to respect you, but you can force someone to fear you, and they are not the same thing. Not to mention both of these are somewhat special needs situations. As for locking someone in a room...how do you know when they are finally asleep? Aside from that, that could be dangerous if you were to forget (it could happen) and there was a fire or something. Maybe this sounds childish, but try putting some tabasco on your own tongue, see what it feels like, then take into consideration that a 4 year old might have much more sensitive taste buds. That sounds just plain cruel to me, and it breaks my heart to see people being mean to their kids-EVER. Same with hitting kids-or does it sound better to say spanking?

Until you have walked in my specific shoes...please, don't judge.

let me also start by saying that I was a prosecutor in child abuse and neglect court in Chicago for 2 years. I know probably better than most when lines are crossed. And this is a highly sensitive topic for me for that reason.

By way of explanation, my son suffered from very poor attention span and he is very slow to process information. He cannot always understand things when they are told to him orally; if a consequence is not right in front of his face visually or in that moment, it has no impact on him. And even then, he does not always "get it." Threats of taking something he liked away, offering incentives and positive reinforcement, at that time, were not successful with him. Believe me, they were attempted. He is not a child that responds to those types of things. Sticker charts? M&Ms? Great for the typically developing child, not for mine. Kid could care less about that stuff.

Every mother I knew gave me every idea they had and nothing worked with this child. Yes, I sat and watched SuperNanny and sat on the floor in his room and did the inch toward the door thing while ignoring your child crying over the course of an hour or two. I tried that about, oh, for two weeks straight. We tried gating him in with a baby gate, he climbed over it and peed all over the floor at his doorway. We consulted with both of his in home therapists before attempting the locking the door. These are therapists who worked with my child every week for a year before we did this - they would never have let us do it if they would have felt it would be harmful. This is a child they had to help me physically restrain while I cried hysterically because there was no other way to help him get through a therapy session.

The technique, for the 2 nights we did it, lasted all of 20 minutes. How did I know he was asleep? Because I know when my kid is asleep or not. We would never forget to unlock the door because we always check on our children before we go to bed. And again, it lasted 2 days.

And now I have a VERY gregarious, animated child, who goes to bed at 7 at night happily in a very good routine of brush teeth, bedtime story, cuddles, etc. He doesn't cry, and most importantly, he is not afraid. He needed something drastic to be able to understand what is expected of him and obeys 99% of the time.

People look at special needs kids having meltdowns in public and attribute it to bad parenting because they don't know the whole story. I have been the victim of those types of judgments and I vowed to never judge another parent because you can't ever possibly walk in their shoes and understand one child's unique challenges. Should I tell Hoosier he and his wife must be doing something terribly wrong and mean by depriving his child of critical sleep because he can't get his kid to bed before 11 p.m.? Nope. Not gonna do it. I am not a mean parent, and neither is Hoosier. I am a parent who tried to do the right thing, and I stand by it. We all are just doing our best, aren't we?

This'll probably be the last of my posts in Other Topics. I don't like when people make snap judgments. You can say a lot of things about me, but don't say I am mean to my kid. You have no idea what he and I have gone through, and how far we have come together. His recovery has been a true miracle, and everything I have done has been in his best interest. Thanks for reading.

[Hoosier]

Originally Posted by gigi927

Until you have walked in my specific shoes...please, don't judge.

You are absolutely right! It's evident that everyone has different parenting styles because every child is unique. I so appreciate all your valuable input and encouragement.

I also want to thank everyone who has given me such helpful, valuable input. I've been talking to my wife and sharing this information with her. She is making a more concerted effort to step in and do her part. I did give him a bath tonight like someone sugggested. I didn't have epsom salt, but do have bath salts. Even though there were not bubbles he had a great time. He is still awake right now, but we've had a much more relaxed evening than usual. There have been no spankings or raised voices tonight. Thank goodness because I am simply exhausted!

As a few have asked, yes I will surely keep you posted on how this unfolds. If there is anyone else out there that has ideas please, please post away. It's evident that this information is helping the many others who read this thread, but do not post.

And please, gigi, do not stop posting here. If someone judges you please realize that there are so many of us on here that are not doing that. Please reconsider and stick around. It's very evident that you have a lot to offer that we can all learn from.

Blessings to you all!

[joee]

If all else fails always remember, when they won't stay in there room, coat the doorknob full of Vaseline

[Sgoldie]

I'm surprised too by some of the techniques suggested.

First, boys of that age are fascinated by anything involving bodily functions, so words of that sort are a phase for a bit. The more your eyebrows raise the more you'll hear them. Eventually, they'll fade away.

I subscribed to the philosophy of lots of hugging, and lots of talking to them in an expainatory nature from a very young age. This leads to a lifetime of communication. I'm not saying I was sappy or a doormat either, far from it. Firm leadership is a better word. I would suggest you sit your son down and tell him in a serious no-nonsense tone that he's hurting his mother's feelings when he doesn't obey her and that it's important if he loves her that he listen to her, and end with a hug for both of you. He may need a couple of reminders if it doesn't take right away. This can be accomplished with a stern look.

I agree if his naps aren't cut shorter that he should have some physical activity before dinner time. The time after dinner should be to settle down, and the routine of a bath and bedtime story are good. I added a rubber ducky to the bath fun, also snorkeling equipment (mask and snorkel), something they greatly looked forward to.

You have already established an excellent relationship with your son, and that is good. Your wife, if she hasn't already, needs to do so too in whatever capacity is best for her. For instance, I (their mother) taught my boys about nature and sports. Doesn't need to be anything fancy at this age, just kicking a ball around in the yard, tag, learning how to swim. Reading, culture, manners, and business also fell to me. Their dad was the one they called for when they were sick. Just a matter of which one of us was more comfortable with different things and who had more time to put in at various times.

Another thing I did every year was to bring the two of them together on either of their birthdays to a sit down ice cream parlor for a special lunch and cone. Just us, no dad. It was our special treat, and not a bad thought for a tradition for your wife to establish.

Children are small adults. Intelligent, and with definative personalities from birth. They need to be respected and they need to learn to respect. But, most importantly, they need to be loved and feel safe. It's a parent's duty to show them how to live both through words and example. I wish you the best of luck (and enjoyment of them). Lots of fun and laughter together too.

[Mrs.Bewitched]

Originally Posted by gigi927

Until you have walked in my specific shoes...please, don't judge.


I don't like when people make snap judgments.

I too get annoyed and frustrated and P-O'd, in here and in real life, when people have the attitude that "well, I would NEVER do that...here's why, and since it is MY opinion that I would never do it...then anyone who does do it is wrong".

But,I would never stop doing something because of what people think, and that includes being on here. I take everyone's opinion lightly...because I know that those posters (or people in real life) are giving their own opinion...though acting like it's GOTTA be that way... and I can choose what I feel works, is successful...an so on.

For the people who act like GOD, to be blunt, they can b i t e me. I don't understand how people can't realize in some situations, there is no right or wrong...no measures were not tried as a last measure....and to not PASS judgement. Those people can't simply just state: "here's what I do...why don't you try that Hoosierguy and see if that works?"

No, they have to be like: "here's what I do, try that because the other methods are barbaric...horrible mommies them....I would never do that so they shouldn't.....their child is like mine so if my sweet treatment worked...so theirs have to too....... "(of course I am putting all of that into my own words).

I didn't come on here and say that someone else's methods sucked. And I did disagree with some. But...I didn't hear anything that should have been reported to human services...and I always speak my mind (which is why I have only a few girlfriends), BUT I also realize that everyone does something the same sometimes, and different sometimes.

I can't tell you how many parents I have met over the years, who have had really problem children....and i mean REALLY problem children...and have had to have conferences with them and the principal because this child has been problematic for years...and have been appalled at the....soft way they were with them...for all those years, and obviously that was not working AT ALL! (no honey, don't throw that desk...go sit in time out for 5 minutes and then come back and give mom a hug....no don't throw it AGAIN, you will have to sit another 5 minutes and then say sorry.......please honey stop it, you don't want to upset mommy....no not that desk either....well, if you just want to move it around, ok but please don't throw it........)

I know that parents are great parents because they love their children and try different ways to make their children grow up to be the best adults.

Right now I am going to take my child to the eye doctor, then my chidlren to the dog beach to let our dog run around, then out to eat because we always get lovely compliments on their behavior (and this is from "snowbirds" who some of them hate to sit near children...and I know that because I have seen how they have acted sitting near undisciplined children; heck, I hate sitting near children who act like little...they were never taught manners)...and then we're going to cuddle watching a movie together and then play UNO.

No more hot sauce because it worked. And I do have to say, my son did cry too. Yes, I did have to turn away before I cried. But he didn't want it again!

[Sgoldie]

Hope you don't think I was telling you what to do. I can only suggest what worked for me and what I believe in. I think the best is a definate firmness with lots of love, and they don't call me the general for nothing. I've also used this technique in a roomful of kids (younger and older) who were thrown out of their regular schools with great results. Love can be in the form of a deep interest in kids. I don't think over coddling, as in being overly protective, is great as they lose their independence and decision making. I don't mind being silly with them either as long as they know how to act properly. Hopefully kids are fun as well as respectful. But I do think that we all need physical closeness as in hugging, one of life's great pleasures. Kids, in my way of thinking, are a blessing and should be cherished.

That's not to say that there aren't problems with some kids, physical, mental or emotional which are beyond the norm and more difficult to work with. It seems to me that basic personalities are closely tied to those of their parents, from an organic sense as well as a learned by example one. It's good to keep in mind that what you do (to and with them) is teaching them on many levels that will last a lifetime and into the next generation.

I agree, do what works for you, after all their your kids. I guess I was lucky with my kids. Their friends parents call all the time and want to spend time with them. They're a real pleasure to be around, not afraid to be the first to pitch in to help, funny, generous, and deeply understanding adults. I put a lot of effort into their raising.