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I have 3 sets of friends who are in similar positions. All 3 couples saw attorneys and financial planners and decided not to marry.Two of the women saw attorneys separate from those of their SO. Then they sat their children down and explained everything to them so they (and grandchildren) would understand that it was not a lack of love or commitment but a practical outlook which kept them from getting married. One couple is in their late 70s and the other two are in their early 70s.
Personally, I would not get married but some register as domestic partners depending on the state.
My uncle, who was a trust attorney, did this after my aunt died. They were in their late 70's. He advised me to also do this when I was contemplating marrying my SO. My SO, who brought a tremendous amount of debt coupled with poor money management skills to the relationship, refused to do a pre-nup as he viewed it as a lack of trust so it was a commitment ceremony or nothing as far as I was concerned. It turned out to be an excellent decision as it simplified things when he passed away (too soon). Much much simpler to settle the estate regarding his pension.
There are lots of issues. Ranging from the effects of a marriage on your SO's alimony and similar obligations. To what extent your assets might be exposed to your SO's debts/future liabilities - including those related to long term care. To how a marriage might affect your ability to dispose of your assets post-divorce/death. And the answers to these questions will vary a lot from state to state. Also - in some states - you may be able to circumvent some things by signing a pre-nuptial agreement. In other states - you can't.
OTOH - there may be advantages in terms of getting married. Like perhaps (income) tax advantages. An experienced lawyer can probably point out these things for you. Although you might need an accountant (or at least a tax calculator) to "crunch the numbers".
Once you identify all the issues and get the answers - you'll be able to do a decent cost/benefit analysis and decide which option makes the most sense for you. Robyn
You should definitely contact a lawyer and an estate planner, as well as probably a financial planner.
Things like if you have a 401K, you are single now, so maybe you have your kids (or anyone) as beneficiaries.
Get married and if you die, your 401K goes to your spouse, no matter who you have for beneficiary. Unless they have signed it away, "after" you are married. You cannot pre-nup the 401K waiver, has to be signed by your spouse, which means after you are married.
The fact that two of his kids don't speak to you should be enough of a warning that there will be problems with a marriage. Elder care and inheritance issues especially come to mind.
The fact that two of his kids don't speak to you should be enough of a warning that there will be problems with a marriage. Elder care and inheritance issues especially come to mind.
What I realize that I really want is the commitment of marriage but with all issues on the table and contingencies covered in a comprehensive pre nup marriage agreement. Surely this can be accomplished with the help of a lawyer and my fp?
I am a US citizen resident in the US.rarely is there such a strong consensus of opinion on these thread! Thank you all for your insights.
I do have health legal power of attorney.
Be aware you may need different documents in different states. When my mom had a stroke on vacation, her SO could not make decisions on her behalf until I and 2 of my siblings were there to sign one for that state. They had them for the 2 states they were back and forth between a lot but neither was good for a neighboring state. The hospital administrator did say that if we hadn't come soon that it is likely he could have been granted power of attorney by a local magistrate.
What I realize that I really want is the commitment of marriage but with all issues on the table and contingencies covered in a comprehensive pre nup marriage agreement. Surely this can be accomplished with the help of a lawyer and my fp?
My aunt remarried and when her new husband experienced health problems accompanied by mental decline, his kids just left EVERYTHING up to her all the while arguing with every decision she made. Marriage really is a family affair, and his family set out to make her miserable and they did (urged on by his ex, who already got part of his pension due to the length of their marriage). It was a very bitter pill for 2 nice people who deserved none of it.
If they hadn't been married she could have spent more time with her own kids & grandkids instead of handling all finances and health issues for him and fighting with his kids who did NOTHING to help their dad.
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