Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP, I can give you a "what's in it for me" answer to your question from my perspective. I am a guy who didn't necessarily want children, for many of the reasons you state. I married late, at 32, and we had our child, a daughter, when I was 34.
Moving from nonparent to parent is like a lot of the other transitions in life. Most kids don't really want to become adults. Who would make that stupid trade, take on worry and responsibility and leave behind the carefree fun of being a kid? But it happens, and it's rough and you screw up a little, and then you find you have an encoded set of skills that you only begin to use and appreciate when you are independent and need them. And by living as an adult you grow into those natural capabilities, and master them, and it changes you.
For me, the prospect of marriage was even more daunting. The dating world is pretty great, and who wants strings? And half the marriages you see out there are disasters, on many levels. What rational person sees marriage as a good bet? But you get married, and then it becomes clear that humans have another set of encoded capacities for developing and nurturing a long-term relationship with a spouse. So you hash around and screw up all over again and then you reach a state of balance as you master that next set of skills. That's where I am now with my wife, 23 years along. From the outside looking in, I found the prospect of marriage rather foolish and unnecessary. Now I get it. It has changed me. I operate on a different level than I did when I was single, and I understand more about being a human.
For me, parenthood has been much the same - an exercise in self-development. Annie, my daughter, is a good kid, but raising a child and operating a family is a lot more complicated than just being a married couple - restrictive of my freedom, expensive, emotionally challenging, and so on. But guess what? Having become a parent, I have become aware of that next set of human skills I didn't even know I had, and I have spent the last 20 years mastering them. Once again I evolved, consistent with my potential.
By writing this I don't mean to be preachy, or prideful, or insinuate anything negative about single people or those who are childless, and I regret if I give that impression. I am just trying to answer your question by answering the same question for myself. For me, having a child was a continuation of my development as a person, and I have been fascinated that becoming a dad has given me so much insight into how I as an individual and society as a whole functions, and why. I am more empathetic, more patient, more responsible, less cynical. The experience has changed me for the better. Having had that experience, I hate to think who I would be now if I hadn't.
Not all of us. I never wanted kids, ever. I had no burning desire for kids, no maternal urges, no panic about my biological clock winding down. I could pretty much take kids or leave them, but never had a hankering for my own.
After I got married, IT WAS EXPECTED OF ME. I was called all kinds of selfish for not wanting children, and I got hit with both barrels....husband and parents. So, long story short, I gave in.
I also became a single mother with an autistic child in no time flat.
Do I love my son? Absolutely and unconditionally. If I knew what I was getting into, would I do it again? I honestly don't know.
Oh I agree, not all women get the urge to have children.
Did you discuss not wanting children with the man you married before you got married?
Did you ever mention to your parents that you did not want children?
No one should be forced to have kids. Children are hard enough on a good marriage where both partners wanted to have them, let alone when one person really did not.
I can't imagine that a marriage would survive when two people are on such completely different wavelengths and have not developed good communication skills.
Oh I agree, not all women get the urge to have children.
Did you discuss not wanting children with the man you married before you got married?
Did you ever mention to your parents that you did not want children?
No one should be forced to have kids. Children are hard enough on a good marriage where both partners wanted to have them, let alone when one person really did not.
I can't imagine that a marriage would survive when two people are on such completely different wavelengths and have not developed good communication skills.
Exactly.
I really don't understand the mindset of those who don't bring this issue up before they marry. Neither will be happy if one wants to be a parent and the other doesn't, that means they aren't right for each other.
Too many women use children as a way to hook a man, keep him from leaving but they don't love their children, they only wanted to use them and that's only going to lead to much unhappiness. Everyone needs to discuss this extremely important issue before they walk down an aisle.
Moving from nonparent to parent is like a lot of the other transitions in life. Most kids don't really want to become adults. Who would make that stupid trade, take on worry and responsibility and leave behind the carefree fun of being a kid? But it happens, and it's rough and you screw up a little, and then you find you have an encoded set of skills that you only begin to use and appreciate when you are independent and need them. And by living as an adult you grow into those natural capabilities, and master them, and it changes you.
For me, parenthood has been much the same - an exercise in self-development. Annie, my daughter, is a good kid, but raising a child and operating a family is a lot more complicated than just being a married couple - restrictive of my freedom, expensive, emotionally challenging, and so on. But guess what? Having become a parent, I have become aware of that next set of human skills I didn't even know I had, and I have spent the last 20 years mastering them. Once again I evolved, consistent with my potential.
For me it's the reverse of all that.
I always looked at single childless people as having to be too adult-like, it's when you have kids that you can still get on the merry-go-rounds at the amusement parks and stay playing on the playgrounds. Teaching a kid to ride a bike or swim just makes you relive the day you learned those. Having kids lets you keep the carefree fun.
Watching Dora the Explorer over and over and getting excited over Swiper making his appearance is something you can do when you're with a 3 year old. Some adult watching for that by him/herself would be a little odd -- so having a kid around can help a lot.
I always looked at single childless people as having to be too adult-like, it's when you have kids that you can still get on the merry-go-rounds at the amusement parks and stay playing on the playgrounds. Teaching a kid to ride a bike or swim just makes you relive the day you learned those. Having kids lets you keep the carefree fun.
Watching Dora the Explorer over and over and getting excited over Swiper making his appearance is something you can do when you're with a 3 year old. Some adult watching for that by him/herself would be a little odd -- so having a kid around can help a lot.
Hah that is so true. I love it that I can go to those big indoor playgrounds with all the tunnels and slides and stuff and pretend I'm helping my toddler go through but really I'm just doing it because its so much fun!!
I always looked at single childless people as having to be too adult-like, it's when you have kids that you can still get on the merry-go-rounds at the amusement parks and stay playing on the playgrounds. Teaching a kid to ride a bike or swim just makes you relive the day you learned those. Having kids lets you keep the carefree fun.
Watching Dora the Explorer over and over and getting excited over Swiper making his appearance is something you can do when you're with a 3 year old. Some adult watching for that by him/herself would be a little odd -- so having a kid around can help a lot.
Oh so not true. If a child-free person feels they need a kid to do these things there is always someone eager to lend them one.
I can't tell you how many people wanted and still want me to be "auntie" or "grandma" to their kids so they could get away from them for awhile and just be adults. Anytime I wanted the company of children I could have it. Just a phone call away.
As another child-free friend of mine always says, I don't mind taking care of a child, as long as I know I can return him or her at the end of the day. Many child-free people really enjoy the company of a child but just don't want to own one.
Last edited by Minervah; 01-19-2014 at 03:43 PM..
Reason: clarity
As a childless woman of 37 who is kind of "meh" on the idea of children, but may opt to adopt later on, I think OP's skepticism warrants a long talk with his wife about parenting and whatnot and possibly about whether they want to stay together.
Why do I consider having children? Because I think they're AWESOME. They are adorable, inquisitive and interesting (even the dumb ones, lol). They see things in totally different ways from adults, and the things they say and do can keep you laughing for days. Sure, they'll make you mad, but then they'll do something the next day that just breaks your heart in the good way. I don't give a crap about genetics, my legacy, my name or whatever. I don't believe in unconditional love, which everyone says goes hand in hand with parenting. Don't get me wrong - I am a very loving person and I've demonstrated before that I'm willing to put myself in danger for the people I care about (and even for some that I don't), but I don't think love is an excuse to check your brain at the door.
That said, watching a child grow and learn is one of the most fascinating experiences I think one can have. Look, why does anyone do anything that doesn't have a material payoff? Restore a car? Train a dog? Remodel a house? Because they derive pleasure from the process and anticipate taking pride in the end result. A kid is the ultimate project, the ultimate challenge. A kid is where you put your best efforts - emotional and material - and try to shape a being that will have a positive impact on the world. Because you're trying to raise a person who will be - in the end - a happy and responsible adult, right? And we need a lot more of those in the world. If you're doing it right - and barring the kid having a severe fluke in their mental wiring - you will become a better person and your kid will enrich your life by loving you back and being an addition to the circle of people who make your life a happy one. Heck, if you're doing it right, your kid will bring even more people into your life who will add to your happiness. And your well-raised kid will add to the good side of the world's ledger rather than the crap side.
Sure, kids are expensive and sometimes bratty and will probably keep you financially strapped. They involve tremendous sacrifices. And there's a risk that you won't get a commensurate "return" on your "investment." But every move you make to enhance your life involves a bit of a gamble. Marriage, careers, home ownership - all of those things could turn out to be HUGE mistakes that end up blighting your life. But people take those risks because of the hope that those choices will enhance their life. How is having a kid any different, albeit the stakes and responsibilities are much weightier - and it is like nothing else you will ever do.
I take a great deal of pleasure in being "the auntie" to various kids in my life who are the children of my friends and relatives. I like mentoring younger people. Having a kid isn't a huge priority, but it's a possibility. I'm comfortable postponing it until I'm at a better spot in my life, especially since I'd likely be doing it alone. But I get my "kid fix" from the ones that are in my social/family circle, so maybe that will be enough. Who knows?
But here's the thing OP - if you don't have any interest in being a parent, don't eff around with this "Well we're not trying to prevent pregnancy" BS. Commit to it or don't. But if you're not prepared to be a stellar parent and put all your effort into it, it's time to tell that to your wife and maybe bring in a counselor. Because when you half-ass it through parenting and "good enough" is your approach rather than your fall-back plan, you just create a mess that the rest of the world has to clean up.
Yeah, there are gonna be people who tell you "Oh it'll be different when you hold your kid" but that's just a platitude that sure as hell isn't the rule. You MIGHT feel some oxytocin-induced urge to step up and do your damnedest once you hold your kid, but you might not. As a parent, you gamble a bit on the kind of kid you're gonna end up with, but no kid should come into the world facing a crap shoot as to whether their parent is going to "feel the urge" to parent. Yeah, it happens all the time (and sometimes the kid turns out ok), but that doesn't mean it's right. The most screwed up people I've encountered in my life were the ones whose parents didn't put their all into it (or anything close) or did put their all in but also invested too much of their ego into the process. The truly terrible people I have encountered in my life all were inevitably the result of indifferent, lazy or just plain incompetent parents.
But here's the thing OP - if you don't have any interest in being a parent, don't eff around with this "Well we're not trying to prevent pregnancy" BS. Commit to it or don't. But if you're not prepared to be a stellar parent and put all your effort into it, it's time to tell that to your wife and maybe bring in a counselor. Because when you half-ass it through parenting and "good enough" is your approach rather than your fall-back plan, you just create a mess that the rest of the world has to clean up.
Yeah, there are gonna be people who tell you "Oh it'll be different when you hold your kid" but that's just a platitude that sure as hell isn't the rule. You MIGHT feel some oxytocin-induced urge to step up and do your damnedest once you hold your kid, but you might not. As a parent, you gamble a bit on the kind of kid you're gonna end up with, but no kid should come into the world facing a crap shoot as to whether their parent is going to "feel the urge" to parent. Yeah, it happens all the time (and sometimes the kid turns out ok), but that doesn't mean it's right. The most screwed up people I've encountered in my life were the ones whose parents didn't put their all into it (or anything close) or did put their all in but also invested too much of their ego into the process. The truly terrible people I have encountered in my life all were inevitably the result of indifferent, lazy or just plain incompetent parents.
Yes! OP tattoo this on your forehead backwards and look at it in the mirror for every day you are trying to make up your mind. Do not let this just happen.
While I hope I am not a terrible person, I am a product of a woman who did, "just let it happen" because she never "really" wanted kids and her husband did. So I know what this can do to a child raised by such a parent. I think I got her non-maternal gene so when I realized I did not want kids I vowed I would be honest with myself and never bow to the dictates of Society, family or anyone and bring a child into this world with the chance of making it miserable. I did not want to repeat that history.
When I realized I didn't want kids, it was actually after my mom told me she had never wanted them. That explained a lot as to how she treated my sisters and me while she was raising us. Not a lot of love shown there among other things that showed how unhappy she was. Nothing made my sisters and I breathe a larger sigh of relief than her going off to work when we were old enough to take care of ourselves. Nothing made her more frustrated than being a SAHM when we were younger. I welcomed the opportunity to have to come home straight after school and take on the role of watching my then seven year old sister while my mom was at work and my older sister had already fled the house with her own after school job.
My two sisters went on to have kids and are great moms so they overcame my mom's resentment and hostility over having made a choice she probably shouldn't have. Their maternal instincts remained intact despite their upbringing.
OP, don't have kids to please your wife. As I said, she has no right to put the burden on you. If you don't feel 100% about it as she does, don't do it. I don't care how much you love her. It is not fair to bring another life into this world unless both parents want that life unconditionally. It's not like a puppy, you cannot take it back to the pound.
To have someone to support you in old age. Come on now!
All kidding aside, most people don't regret their kids, love them in a way they don't love anybody else, and the long-term benefits are better for them than if they hadn't. My mom always said "I wouldn't trade you two for the world but I wouldn't give one red cent for another!"
I have pondered this very question on many occasions- better yet plenty of occasions!
If someone attempted to match a positive for every negative...heads would roll as the negatives will always outnumber the positives. However, the positives MAY outweigh the Negatives.
Family Lineage would be one of the huge outweighing Positives.
Over the years we've come to learn "Stress" will kill, destroy, mangle and befuddle the dynamics of everyday life. Children will gratuitously increase this "Stress" professionals speak of.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
