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So, in this season of War on Christmas, let's recap what Jesus stood for...
1. He loved wealth and regarded poor people or anyone unable to provide for themselves as leeches who should either get with the program or die. He wouldn't be out there GIVING them stuff, like that misguided liberal hippie, Mother Teresa. He'd get out and yell at them, "you lazy bums! Pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps and quit being big government moochers!"
2. He wanted everyone to be armed and ready to drop a can of whoop-ass in case the Feds came or the race war started. If he was here today, he would be brandishing his Bushmaster and screaming, "From my cold, dead hands!" Those children that came to him would have received beginner handguns and aiming lessons. His motto was, "don't retreat, reload!"
3. He regarded foreigners and other races with great suspicion.
4. He was a staunch supporter of the death penalty.
5. Even though he spent his whole life in the Middle East, he was White and looked like us - DUH. OBVIOUSLY. We're the Chosen People, after all.
Didn't you know? Isn't it AMAZING how much Jesus and God stands for modern conservative principles!
It's just too bad that we are now straying into the path of sin where we have people claiming Jesus wasn't a white capitalist like us (WHAT?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME). And we even have a pope who - ***GASP*** - says that we should actually help the poor and vulnerable and not idolize wealth! Who IS this evil heretic! Didn't he ever crack open a bible??
So, in this season of War on Christmas, let's recap what Jesus stood for...
1. He loved wealth and regarded poor people or anyone unable to provide for themselves as leeches who should either get with the program or die. He wouldn't be out there GIVING them stuff, like that misguided liberal hippie, Mother Teresa. He'd get out and yell at them, "you lazy bums! Pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps and quit being big government moochers!"
2. He wanted everyone to be armed and ready to drop a can of whoop-ass in case the Feds came or the race war started. If he was here today, he would be brandishing his Bushmaster and screaming, "From my cold, dead hands!" Those children that came to him would have received beginner handguns and aiming lessons. His motto was, "don't retreat, reload!"
3. He regarded foreigners and other races with great suspicion.
4. He was a staunch supporter of the death penalty.
5. Even though he spent his whole life in the Middle East, he was White and looked like us - DUH. OBVIOUSLY. We're the Chosen People, after all.
Didn't you know? Isn't it AMAZING how much Jesus and God stands for modern conservative principles!
It's just too bad that we are now straying into the path of sin where we have people claiming Jesus wasn't a white capitalist like us (WHAT?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME). And we even have a pope who - ***GASP*** - says that we should actually help the poor and vulnerable and not idolize wealth! Who IS this evil heretic! Didn't he ever crack open a bible??
To top it off, Jesus was homeless and ran around with a gang in the poorest sections of town. He had a trade, but didn't work at it once he grew up and left home.
If He had applied himself he might have been able to get off the streets.
Hell, even Noah was a better carpenter than Jesus.
So, in this season of War on Christmas, let's recap what Jesus stood for...
1. He loved wealth and regarded poor people or anyone unable to provide for themselves as leeches who should either get with the program or die. He wouldn't be out there GIVING them stuff, like that misguided liberal hippie, Mother Teresa. He'd get out and yell at them, "you lazy bums! Pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps and quit being big government moochers!"
2. He wanted everyone to be armed and ready to drop a can of whoop-ass in case the Feds came or the race war started. If he was here today, he would be brandishing his Bushmaster and screaming, "From my cold, dead hands!" Those children that came to him would have received beginner handguns and aiming lessons. His motto was, "don't retreat, reload!"
3. He regarded foreigners and other races with great suspicion.
4. He was a staunch supporter of the death penalty.
5. Even though he spent his whole life in the Middle East, he was White and looked like us - DUH. OBVIOUSLY. We're the Chosen People, after all.
Didn't you know? Isn't it AMAZING how much Jesus and God stands for modern conservative principles!
It's just too bad that we are now straying into the path of sin where we have people claiming Jesus wasn't a white capitalist like us (WHAT?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME). And we even have a pope who - ***GASP*** - says that we should actually help the poor and vulnerable and not idolize wealth! Who IS this evil heretic! Didn't he ever crack open a bible??
Isn't it funny when liberal atheists presume to understand the Bible and the teachings of Christ?
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