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The economy has been much worse in the past. There was a time when people didn't all go to college to have high paying jobs, they didn't have cars or might have to share one, they didn't have big screen televisions, cell phones.
If you look at how things were in the 1900's, or 1920s, or 1930s, or 1940, or 1950s, and even 1960s -- people did not all go to college, people often married right out of high school, worked any kind of job, lived on far far less than people do today. They didn't eat out often, they were lucky to have one car, they even sewed clothes at home. Kids were considered to be adults sometime around 18-21.
It's actually just recent times that we as a society think 18 is old enough to have sex but too young to marry. Now adult children have babies but marriage is out of the question, they aren't failing to launch, they aren't ready to decide if and when they'll launch.
I guess for who to talk to -- maybe our not-so-distant ancestors, how did people do things back then when things were really not all that easy. Maybe it's just that as a society we got so used to having everything be easy and handed to us, we can't see any other way.
The last things my kids have learned is that everything will be easy and handed to them. I've been a single parent since my youngest son was less than a year old and my ex-husband was unable to find work. I supported us earning $5 an hour. I learned to live on far less than most people do and we survived - nay, we thrived. I continue to live on far less than most people do -- it's called living beneath your means. I've never owned a new car, rarely eat out, buy much of what I have second hand or get it free. It is a lifestyle my kids have adopted because they realize the sense in it. Talking to my ancestors will do neither I or any of the others caught in this economy any good. There was a day when you could say that "any person who wants to work can." That's not the way things are right now. People who have been downsized know this to be true. They have applied at McDonald's and are knocking on doors offering to scoop dog poop. That happened to me the other day. A gentleman was going door to door. He had lost his executive job and wasn't able to find another job in ANY industry and was trying to make money scooping dog poop (or anything else someone would pay him to do.)
None of this has anything to do with subscribing to the idea that 18 is old enough to have sex but too young to marry. You are deciding for yourself what maxims I live by. I don't think 18 is old enough to have sex. I can't turn back the clock and undo what has been done. But I can decide what my part in this will be now. And it is NOT to tell them that they must be married if they don't want to be married. There will be no shotgun wedding. Again, we agree to disagree..do we not? Let it go.
The economy has been much worse in the past. There was a time when people didn't all go to college to have high paying jobs...
BTW, also in the past you didn't need a college degree in order to be a secretary. That has also changed. If you don't have a college degree you are no longer competitive for anything except jobs with minimum wage. And if you DO have a college degree you are over-qualified for a minimum wage job. Just saying.
The economy has been much worse in the past. There was a time when people didn't all go to college to have high paying jobs, they didn't have cars or might have to share one, they didn't have big screen televisions, cell phones.
If you look at how things were in the 1900's, or 1920s, or 1930s, or 1940, or 1950s, and even 1960s -- people did not all go to college, people often married right out of high school, worked any kind of job, lived on far far less than people do today. They didn't eat out often, they were lucky to have one car, they even sewed clothes at home. Kids were considered to be adults sometime around 18-21.
It's actually just recent times that we as a society think 18 is old enough to have sex but too young to marry. Now adult children have babies but marriage is out of the question, they aren't failing to launch, they aren't ready to decide if and when they'll launch.
I guess for who to talk to -- maybe our not-so-distant ancestors, how did people do things back then when things were really not all that easy. Maybe it's just that as a society we got so used to having everything be easy and handed to us, we can't see any other way.
In the 1900s and 1920s, the majority of the U.S. population farmed, logged or mined for a living. Oh, and many families survived by forcing their children to work in these sectors, which might explain why the average life expectancy back then was roughly 50. In the 1950s and most of the 1960s, manual labor jobs were available to any able-bodied adult male with enough ambition to fill out an application and show up for work.
Fast-forward to 2010. An 18-year-old kid can't just up and start farming, logging or mining. Nearly all of the manual labor jobs have been automated or exported out of existence. Today we live in a service-sector economy based on specialization where earning an adequate living to support a family requires specialized skills that aren't readily available to an 18-year-old.
If it seems like we have things easy these days, it's because previous generations worked their asses off to make it that way so that, unlike them, we'd stand a good chance of living past 50 and wouldn't be physically broken by the time we reached that age. If delaying adulthood by a few years to gain more specialized skills and knowledge is the price we pay for the standard of living we currently enjoy, I'd say we as a society have made an excellent trade-off.
So then, do you have any advice for an 18-year-old kid and his pregnant girlfriend that is relevant to the world as it exists in 2010, or would you prefer to wax nostalgic about the good ol' days when people worked themselves (and often their children) until their bodies were spent and then they could count on being dead shortly thereafter?
Lets remind everyone that even taking precautions can result in getting pregnant. So these two could have been doing what they were supposed but were part of that 1 or 2% that birth control didn't work.
This part is true. I read somewhere that even if a woman uses birth control her whole life, she will experience 1.8 pregnancies (obviously a statistical average) over her reproductive life.
Of course, you don't hear much about this little tidbit in the media. Birth Control use is essential. But it's also oversold as a panacea. People should be prepared that for at least one "accidental" pregnancy, even if using birth control. That said, in about 50% of abortions, the couple was not using any birth control at the time of conception. I think that's inexcusable.
Talk about a roller coaster of emotions, this last week had been very difficult. My son and his GF, both college freshmen, told me that she is pregnant. They are both good kids, work hard, and just had an "oops" experience. I don't mean to discount it - this is an "oops" that could affect their entire future. They haven't decided what to do yet but my sense is that they are leaning towards keeping the baby. My son is going through college on the GI Bill so money for education isn't an issue for him. He intends to continue with school. His GF has been kicked out of her parents home and is currently staying with me (I'm divorced and have been since my son was less than a year old). She would likely continue working part-time while still in school this semester, then work full-time over the summer and continue working part-time/going to school part-time in the fall. After the baby is born in the spring, she would take a couple classes each semester and otherwise stay home with the baby while my son continues his studies full-time and perhaps works part-time (the GI bill gives him a large monthly stipend). They were looking at apartments but if we all can handle it, I think it would be better financially if they stay living with me. I have 2 extra bedrooms and they would have entire floor of the house to themselves (2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom). I would charge them a bit of rent but nothing compared to what they would have to pay for a 1 bedroom apartment, which around here would run about $1100/per month.
I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I'm trying to be supportive and realize that any decision they make is their decision. They are both legally adults and all I can do at this point is give them the wisdom of my experience so that they can make an informed decision. I'm ready to be a grandmother but life would be easier for them if they weren't parents yet.
Also, I have to admit that I'm a little unhappy at how this will affect my life. I was rather looking forward to being an empty nester. I had planned on moving since I have no family in this area. I know some parents don't look forward to the empty quiet of a house without children in it, but I was frankly looking forward to it. Until they are at least a little better settled and can understand how their finances will be affected, some of my plans will have to be put on hold. I feel a little guilty for being upset that my plans are changed. No, they don't have to be - I could let them figure it out and sink or swim. But I don't think I could do that. Besides, mostly likely they would be knocking on my door anyway asking for help and advice.
Sigh - being a new grandma isn't supposed to be like this.
I know there are worse situations out there than this one. But when I hear of stuff like this, I wish there could be an adoption. It would be soooo much better for all parties involved.
Unfortunately, the young either look for the easy way out (abortion) or opt to have the child, wildly underestimating how difficult this is going to be for both them and the child in today's world.
Whew! I hope I've explained some previously poorly explained details and cleared up some confusion. Except for a naysayer who has some very particular ideas about what is and isn't acceptable, I appreciate the great amount of support and understanding. In the end, I think my son and his GF are approaching this in as level-headed a way any 18 year old blind-sided by life can be. Some things they aren't thinking through clearly but they are open to advice and seem to appreciate it. They bought me a very sweet "thank you" card and I was touched to see that they really do appreciate my efforts. There are a lot of difficulties, stressors and challenges ahead. It ain't gonna be easy. But we'll take it one day at a time.
Thank you for the clarification. I am not in the "kick them to the curb" camp. Young adults are laying the foundation for the rest of their adult life. Being an expectant parent adds complications to the situation, but if you were helping him BEFORE the pregnancy I would think you would help them now that she is pregnant.
I think that there are some parents who enable their young adult children, but it does not sound to me like you are doing that. It's ok to help those you love as long as you are not setting them up for a lifetime of dependency. You are not doing that so enjoy the new baby when it is born.
The economy has been much worse in the past. There was a time when people didn't all go to college to have high paying jobs, they didn't have cars or might have to share one, they didn't have big screen televisions, cell phones.
If you look at how things were in the 1900's, or 1920s, or 1930s, or 1940, or 1950s, and even 1960s -- people did not all go to college, people often married right out of high school, worked any kind of job, lived on far far less than people do today. They didn't eat out often, they were lucky to have one car, they even sewed clothes at home. Kids were considered to be adults sometime around 18-21.
It's actually just recent times that we as a society think 18 is old enough to have sex but too young to marry. Now adult children have babies but marriage is out of the question, they aren't failing to launch, they aren't ready to decide if and when they'll launch.
I guess for who to talk to -- maybe our not-so-distant ancestors, how did people do things back then when things were really not all that easy. Maybe it's just that as a society we got so used to having everything be easy and handed to us, we can't see any other way.
You are comparing apples to oranges
No one is saying life has ever been easier than it is now - life has ALWAYS had its challenges. But with each generation those challenges evolve and become more complicated in many respects.
You could get away with a 3rd grade education up to the 1940's in this country. But as literacy rates rose and the Industrial Revolution gave rise to a better standard and quality of life, educational requirements rose for a higher percentage of the population than ever before. And they have NEVER quit rising.
In the 1960's many a kid came out of high school and went right to work at the factory or plant where dad worked. A high school dipoloma was all you needed to set yourself up for life with a nice career and a pension when you retired. We all know THAT no longer happens in this country.
Now we live in a global, high-tech economy, one that will leave your ass sitting in the dust if you aren't prepared to live in it. Again, it's all about evolution. Getting married at 16-18 and starting a family was important when we all lived off the land and had farms to run - we needed the free labor so we had big families to survive. And we died in our 50's so starting earlier was necessary.
People are marrying later in life now, many out of necessity because they want to finish their educations first. By today's standards it would be considered poor planning, and a bit foolish, to purposely get married at 18 - as this no longer serves our best interests in the world we currently live in.
So, it's not about "babying" our 18-20 year olds - far from it. Today's middle class 18 year old has had higher standards to live up to educationally than any previous generation. They've had more stress to deal with, a more dangerous minefield of choices to manuever through. A conscientious parent mentors their kid thru this age and tries to help the kid make the best choices he can - that is not the same thing as "not letting them grow up".
Yes, the world has changed and evolved - getting stuck in how we did things in the 50's, 60's or even 70's is the same thing as being stuck in the 1800's.
I have read all the replies with great interest, and my head is spinning. I hope you dismiss the judgmental morons, because YOU need to do what YOU need to do, to live with yourself, and you are obviously a caring mother who realizes that the world is a harsh place and if you dont have your family to help when times are rough, what do you have?
As the wife of a retired career officer, who has a son on the GI bill as do you, and the wisdom to look back on my life, I can definitely say, that some decisions have to be made at a time when your current situation is a certain way....meaning, they wont always be 18, in college, etc...life continually changes. You dont get to look into the future when having to make the decision to keep the baby, but you must have the foresight to realize that your situation will not always be so hard.
Thirty years ago, we were 18 years old. We had a baby, we had the love and support of my wonderful parents who gave us the start in life we so desperately needed. I dont know how we wouldve survived without them in our lives. My husband ( we married ) was an extremely young Dad, a very hard worker, and we never abused my parents help by using them as babysitters except for special occasions....we never bought home bags of items from shopping sprees, etc.....
That baby turned into the love of all our lives. he changed my parents lives forever, as he did ours. We couldnt imagine an existence without that beautiful young man, he is an integral part of our family. If he ever came to me with this dilemma....well, I love my empty nest years, but I know what my answer would have been. I would step up. 10 years from now, 20 years from now, it will not matter the circumstances that this child came into your midst. You are doing the right thing, you are NOT enabling them, but the world is a cold place, and for a few years, this young family will need alot from you. Every time you look into that baby's eyes it will be worth it. And it will not last forever. They will ALL grow up ! This too shall pass. My parents claim to have also raised my husband, and he loves them unconditionally... always says that he will do whatever he needs to for them, in their old age. You should be proud of yourself for being there for them. Just make sure they BOTH finish their degrees, no matter how hard it is. Do not let them leave school. That is your insurance policy for their gaining full independence.
I have read all the replies with great interest, and my head is spinning. I hope you dismiss the judgmental morons, because YOU need to do what YOU need to do, to live with yourself, and you are obviously a caring mother who realizes that the world is a harsh place and if you dont have your family to help when times are rough, what do you have?
As the wife of a retired career officer, who has a son on the GI bill as do you, and the wisdom to look back on my life, I can definitely say, that some decisions have to be made at a time when your current situation is a certain way....meaning, they wont always be 18, in college, etc...life continually changes. You dont get to look into the future when having to make the decision to keep the baby, but you must have the foresight to realize that your situation will not always be so hard.
Thirty years ago, we were 18 years old. We had a baby, we had the love and support of my wonderful parents who gave us the start in life we so desperately needed. I dont know how we wouldve survived without them in our lives. My husband ( we married ) was an extremely young Dad, a very hard worker, and we never abused my parents help by using them as babysitters except for special occasions....we never bought home bags of items from shopping sprees, etc.....
That baby turned into the love of all our lives. he changed my parents lives forever, as he did ours. We couldnt imagine an existence without that beautiful young man, he is an integral part of our family. If he ever came to me with this dilemma....well, I love my empty nest years, but I know what my answer would have been. I would step up. 10 years from now, 20 years from now, it will not matter the circumstances that this child came into your midst. You are doing the right thing, you are NOT enabling them, but the world is a cold place, and for a few years, this young family will need alot from you. Every time you look into that baby's eyes it will be worth it. And it will not last forever. They will ALL grow up ! This too shall pass. My parents claim to have also raised my husband, and he loves them unconditionally... always says that he will do whatever he needs to for them, in their old age. You should be proud of yourself for being there for them. Just make sure they BOTH finish their degrees, no matter how hard it is. Do not let them leave school. That is your insurance policy for their gaining full independence.
Well said You are a wise woman and sure have your priorities in order
If they do keep the baby, IMO you owe it not to the parents-to-be but to your grandchild to be accommodating within your means, even if that involves delaying empty-nesthood for a few years. But I'd also make sure the parents understand your hospitality is not limitless. Give them a clear deadline to get out on their own; say, six months after your son graduates.
Sorry this interferes with your "empty nester" plans for now, but sometimes we have to give up what we want for a more important calling. No need to feel guilty about having your plans altered though -- it's a pretty legitimate reason to be steamed. But do what you gotta do to give your grandchild a better shot at growing up in a stable household.
I agree completely.
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Birth Control is Oversold
You are a wise woman and sure have your priorities in order 
