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I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I know what that's like. Even if nothing bad IS being said or done, if nothing else, that kind of behavior makes you feel like an outsider in your own home and relationship (in your case, marriage).
I happen to believe that people are too quick to jump ship when things go wrong, so my advice to you doesn't even take divorce or separation into consideration at all. I would suggest you condition yourself to completely ignore the aspects that you can't control (like them talking 5x a day while you're at work, and what they're discussing). There's nothing - not a doggone thing - you can do to change that, especially considering you've already made it crystal clear to your wife that it bothers you and that you deem it unhealthy and detrimental to your marriage. What you CAN do, however, is put your foot down when your wife introduces "ideas" or plans that you believe came as a result of her conversations with her mother. Lastly, if I were you, I would suggest she take a class at a community college or some sort of vocational school... maybe a foreign language, cooking class, sewing class, join a gym, book club, something to get her out of the house and exposed to other people her age.
A few curious questions....
Does your wife have any friends and/or siblings? It's strange that her BFF is her mom and that they are as close as two 7th graders. I'm all for being super close with your mom, but talking frequently throughout the day when you have a man in your life (and 2 small kids) is just too much.
Where is your mother? If she's alive and nearby, maybe she can come around more often... to balance things out?
Oh and one other thing... when your children get old enough... probably within the next 2-3 years, you're going to discipline them more, punish them, ground them, take things away, tell them "no" to things that upset them... and Grandma is going to have a conniption and try to undermine your authority (directly or through wifey).
THAT point right there... is where the rubber will really meet the road.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I know what that's like. Even if nothing bad IS being said or done, if nothing else, that kind of behavior makes you feel like an outsider in your own home and relationship (in your case, marriage).
I happen to believe that people are too quick to jump ship when things go wrong, so my advice to you doesn't even take divorce or separation into consideration at all. I would suggest you condition yourself to completely ignore the aspects that you can't control (like them talking 5x a day while you're at work, and what they're discussing). There's nothing - not a doggone thing - you can do to change that, especially considering you've already made it crystal clear to your wife that it bothers you and that you deem it unhealthy and detrimental to your marriage. What you CAN do, however, is put your foot down when your wife introduces "ideas" or plans that you believe came as a result of her conversations with her mother. Lastly, if I were you, I would suggest she take a class at a community college or some sort of vocational school... maybe a foreign language, cooking class, sewing class, join a gym, book club, something to get her out of the house and exposed to other people her age.
A few curious questions....
Does your wife have any friends and/or siblings? It's strange that her BFF is her mom and that they are as close as two 7th graders. I'm all for being super close with your mom, but talking frequently throughout the day when you have a man in your life (and 2 small kids) is just too much.
Where is your mother? If she's alive and nearby, maybe she can come around more often... to balance things out?
Does wife have any hobbies?
Unfortunately its not just my mother in law but my father in law as well. Neither can make it through a day without a call to make sure my wife still remembers them. I appreciate your good advice to not be bothered by things I can't control. I think I just feel that since I have explained to her how important it is that she do something about her parents, when she continues to call and not have any boundaries I take it as her choosing them over me. I knew when I married my wife she would be #1 above all others in my life including parents, children, everyone. I think that is the part I can't live with is that I sometimes feel I am married to a person that I am #3 on their list. That isn't something I'm OK with in a marriage. I think I will see how things play out. Things did improve for a bit and I will make an effort no not micro-anylize every interaction they have just because I've been burnt so many times in the past. To asnswer your question my wife has very few friends, all are arms length, and even she admits its because her mom and dad have always sabotaged any relationship she has ever had since they feel threatened by any outsiders. Anyways its a bad situation, I'll try to make the best of it .
Unfortunately its not just my mother in law but my father in law as well. Neither can make it through a day without a call to make sure my wife still remembers them. I appreciate your good advice to not be bothered by things I can't control. I think I just feel that since I have explained to her how important it is that she do something about her parents, when she continues to call and not have any boundaries I take it as her choosing them over me. I knew when I married my wife she would be #1 above all others in my life including parents, children, everyone. I think that is the part I can't live with is that I sometimes feel I am married to a person that I am #3 on their list. That isn't something I'm OK with in a marriage. I think I will see how things play out. Things did improve for a bit and I will make an effort no not micro-anylize every interaction they have just because I've been burnt so many times in the past. To asnswer your question my wife has very few friends, all are arms length, and even she admits its because her mom and dad have always sabotaged any relationship she has ever had since they feel threatened by any outsiders. Anyways its a bad situation, I'll try to make the best of it .
OMG, what dangerous people your in-laws are? Is she an only child? Very, very bad relationship for your wife and eventually your kids. It is not healthy for your wife at all. What is she going to do when they pass away?
I don't know how you put up with this. Why are you putting up with this? You need to ask yourself this question. You say your marriage is perfect except for this issue, but this issue is HUGE.
Your wife loves her parents more than she loves you and puts them above you in seemingly every category. I would give her an ultimatum that it's either them or you and stick to it. She is never going to change.
Unfortunately its not just my mother in law but my father in law as well. Neither can make it through a day without a call to make sure my wife still remembers them. I appreciate your good advice to not be bothered by things I can't control. I think I just feel that since I have explained to her how important it is that she do something about her parents, when she continues to call and not have any boundaries I take it as her choosing them over me. I knew when I married my wife she would be #1 above all others in my life including parents, children, everyone. I think that is the part I can't live with is that I sometimes feel I am married to a person that I am #3 on their list. That isn't something I'm OK with in a marriage. I think I will see how things play out. Things did improve for a bit and I will make an effort no not micro-anylize every interaction they have just because I've been burnt so many times in the past. To asnswer your question my wife has very few friends, all are arms length, and even she admits its because her mom and dad have always sabotaged any relationship she has ever had since they feel threatened by any outsiders. Anyways its a bad situation, I'll try to make the best of it .
Not to be rude, but is your wife & family from the US? Could there be some cultural differences as well?
Perhaps you could nudge her a bit by making "I" statements. I.e. I feel uncomfortable when you discuss our finances with your family, or I feel sad that you turn to your parents first...that sort of thing. Maybe putting it in different terms would help her to see the negative effects it has on you and your marriage?
Personally, my DH & I have a long standing policy to not live closer than 1000 miles to MY family! Good luck!
Spouse has obsessive relationship with parents. Reply to Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by suedonym
i wish i had some advice for you, but really, I dont see much you can do.
If your wife is so dependent on her mother for this level of emotional support, I don't see this marriage lasting much longer. And sadly, its in HER hands, not yours. You have the option of dealing with it and being in misery until the end of time or moving on.
Perhaps couples counseling may help the situation, but i get the feeling it won't.
It will last until he gets sick and tired of dealing with the mother. By then kids will be involved and he will end up paying child support and alimony. It is said wise men learn from other's mistakes, and fools learn from their own...
Spouse has obsessive relationship with parents. Reply to Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by rogueminer
As I said earlier our marriage is perfect aside from this problem. Had I known this unhealthy relationship was happening I would have addressed it before we got married.
A marriage with this kind of problem is not perfect. If I thought for a moment the mothers interference wouldn't cause you a serious problem in the future, I wouldn't say a word. You are the only person who will have to put up with this behavior, until you have kids, then you will all be affected.
A marriage with this kind of problem is not perfect. If I thought for a moment the mothers interference wouldn't cause you a serious problem in the future, I wouldn't say a word. You are the only person who will have to put up with this behavior, until you have kids, then you will all be affected.
It's both the mother and the father that is interferring plus they have 2 kids.
Things that are not their business. Where our kids should go to school, how we should decorate our home, how many hours I work, that she should ban my family from our house. Those are the kinds of topics her parents bring up with her. I think I should have issue with that, none of their business!
rogueminer...I feel sad for your wife....she is caught in the middle of this tug-o-war....you pulling on one side....her parents on the other....I think you should just let it go....so what if she talks to them...especially when you're not there...at least you know they are there if she needs them.
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Spouse has obsessive relationship with parents. Reply to Thread
