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Very long story made as short as possible.
1. First night on my first Navy ship. They had just had a major steam leak that killed ten guys, I was a replacement for one of the ten. First night was the first time I heard men screaming in true terror from the nightmares of the accident.
2. Desert Storm-"missile inbound, all hands brace for impact!". Luckily the scud was shot down
3. Desert Storm-looking into the water off the port side and seeing a mine float past me
4. Accidental electrocution due to ship yard workers wiring emergency lighting in reverse (that's also when I learned too much oxygen can make you high)
5. Varna Bulgaria, 10 year old boy showed us his tongue was cut out and then held out his hand begging for money
6. Alexandria Egypt, old man selling a 12 year old girl he claimed was his daughter.
7. Constanta Romania, kids trying to prostitute themselves for money for food, we gave them what cash we could without the sex
8. Nearly drowned in the bilges of a minesweeper in Ingleside Texas
9. Just recently (age 44) diagnosed with Aspergers along with the PTSD.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish you well.
When I was eight years old, I stood and watched my mother be run over by a car. Crazy thing is, she almost completely recovered from very serious injuries and is still alive and relatively functional (is blind) at age 94.
The moral of all of this?
1. Sometimes bad things happen in life to good people.
2. Good medical care (this was 1968) can make one hell of a lot of difference.
Something I've come to learn is no matter how negative a time or a thing, sometimes there are gifts. I have thought about life if I'd never met my husband, never married him, and he hadn't shattered everything. But that would be a whole different pathway and I can't know where it would have led. And my son is much me and some of him, and my son would not be.
But most of all, that fear of the floor dropping out happened, and I'm still here and stronger for it. I know what to cherish, and what doesn't matter. I know what matters and what I'll stubborly fight for and not compromise on, and what is not sufficently important for that. If I'd have known this, maybe things would have been different. But then that is also unknowable. There is too much to life to waste time thinking about that.
I see life as a pathway with turns and side paths. We follow along for a time and then have to choose. Maybe we don't see it at first, but there is nor retracing your steps when you do. And the only thing you know at that point is where life is at that moment.
So don't tear yourself down because you think a side path would have been better avoided. You didn't. You can't go back and do it again and the best way to look is ahead, knowing all the lessons you know now. There is a reason for experience, and the acceptance of it as its done, and that is so we can better see the pathway ahead.
Trauma is a part of life, but it only destroys you if you let it in the end. And there is something to learn from every experience.
Benzo withdrawal. I took Klonopin for just 4 months for insomnia- I had no idea what I was getting into. What should have been at least a year long taper process to get off of it happened in one month, at the advice of an inept doctor. What followed was sheer terror for a very, very long time. I have recovered physically, and life is good again, but I will never be the same.
I found out when I was 27 that for the first week of my life I was in an unwed mothers' home waiting for my mom to decide if she was going to keep me or adopt me out. After my son was born & i was picking out an outfit for him to wear home, I asked my mom what I wore home? She stated she didn't know, she didn't have me for the first 7 days of my life. Not that traumatic in the scheme of things but quite shocking to me. I knew she had gotten pregnant in college but didn't know all the details.
When I was 12, I found out that the man I thought was my father wasn't. My mom was going thru some boxes in the basement, I looked to see what was in them. They were cards for my 1st BDAY, but one was a christening certificate that had my first and middle name but a different last name. I can remember like yesterday walking upstairs and asking her, "who is this?"
The summer I was 12, I was molested by family friend, blocked it out of my mind for 13 years and only once I felt truly safe did my mind allow me to remember. I had been extremely promscious teen and now I had a clue as to why.
I got married one month after my 18th BDAY to a man who I had known only one month. He raped and beat me for 3 years, until I left w/clothes on my back and my dog.
Most recently, one of my GF's 6yo daughter was accidentally shot and killed by her brother with a pellet gun. I miss the girl terribly and mourn for the relationship I had with the mom. Our families were very close and its too painful for her to be around us. I get it but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
All of these events changed and shaped my life. In good and bad ways. I'm content and happy most days, I've already lived through hell.
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