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I always here people harping on the importance of a "positive attitude", and not giving oneself over to negativity. One on level I agree, but when it comes to approaching events/new situations, often I find that I feel better afterwards if I go in with slightly negative expectations. Sometimes I go in thinking things will be good, but circumstances/other people ruin in; other times I'll go in a little apprehensive, but end up pleasantly surprised when things aren't awful.
Yes I can relate. I am known to be on the negative side. I am marry to a man that I call "Sally Sunshine". I think it is good to try to strike a balance. I do struggle some times with being positive about situations and always expect the worst. I have learned that I need to stop and think if I am feeling intuitive with my gut and my head or if my irrational anxiety is kicking in.
No, I can't. The world is negative and down as it is already. When you take on that attitude, you are poisoning yourself. Almost every old person will tell you that one of the secrets to a long life is having or trying to keep as positive an attitude as possible. No one has ever lived long being nasty and negative. Do yourself a favor and try to live and think as positively as you can. It's good for your mental health as well as physical and spiritual being.
I always here people harping on the importance of a "positive attitude", and not giving oneself over to negativity. One on level I agree, but when it comes to approaching events/new situations, often I find that I feel better afterwards if I go in with slightly negative expectations. Sometimes I go in thinking things will be good, but circumstances/other people ruin in; other times I'll go in a little apprehensive, but end up pleasantly surprised when things aren't awful.
Can anyone else relate?
I tend to get very enthused and excited, and then when things don't turn out a certain way, let down and hurt inside.
How I've approached and learned to cope? Emotionally detach a little.. Which probably makes you feel less of yourself, but a bit more.. grounded. Bleh
Maybe what you are referring to is not a negative, but rather a realisitic outlook?
It's unrealistic to expect people to be all positive, all of the time. Many self-help gurus push "positive thinking" as the solution to all that ails us. And yes, it is better to be positive than an unrepentant pessimist. But I believe that sometimes, pushing a positive attitude hurts more than it helps. What do I mean by that? Well, picture someone who's house has just burned down, or someone who just found out that s/he has a serious illness. It demonstrates a certain level of cluelessness and a lack of empathy to gloss over that person's feelings and tell them to look on the bright side.
Where I work, each one of us was given a book on attitude. All well and good, but sometimes it seems like the underlying message is that any sort of malcontent is inappropriate. I picked up a book on emotional intelligence, and found it more helpful. We experience the full gamut of emotion for a reason. Don't feel bad if you aren't 100 percent chipper, 100 percent of the time.
Neuroticism is one of the biggest predictors of job and marriage failure. I know a guy who literally sulked every day on the job for a decade. He would sulk and not do his work, then his supervisor would ask why and he would say they were out to get him, and sulk some more. He was known as being so negative that no one could stand to work with the guy. He was absolutely miserable and made sure no one else missed out on the misery. What a terrible way to go through life.
You don't have to be Pollyanna, but trying to be somewhat stoic and optimistic tends to create a virtuous circle.
I always here people harping on the importance of a "positive attitude", and not giving oneself over to negativity. One on level I agree, but when it comes to approaching events/new situations, often I find that I feel better afterwards if I go in with slightly negative expectations. Sometimes I go in thinking things will be good, but circumstances/other people ruin in; other times I'll go in a little apprehensive, but end up pleasantly surprised when things aren't awful.
Can anyone else relate?
Depending on the situation I hedge my optimism to avoid potential let down. It will vary based upon the personal importance of the situation. Yes, lowering expectations can keep one more level headed and grounded i.e. no wild 'up and down' mood swings.
The question you asked seem similar to some others. Here are answers to similar conceptual questions from other threads that may be helpful to draw a broader picture of the issue you are asking about.
Another suggestion would be in types of instances were you can, simply prepare yourself as thoroughly as possible so you feel confident and comfortable. Then when the results don't turn out as expected, follow up in the situations where you can, to find out what you possibly may have overlooked in preparation (should it be of personal priority - say a job interview). Then note the things which you could not have affected anyway and let it go.
I've found most of my success comes when I get to a point of 'preparation comfort' and then go into a mindset of 'I don't care and will just take it as it comes'. It would be analogous to the advice to a baseball hitter that, after all the instruction is concluded, simply goes to bat with the attitude of 'see ball hit ball'.
Prayer can also be a release outlet for different types of situations (whether one is religious or not) there is an old adage that goes: Pray as if every things up to God, Work as if every things up to you.
I always here people harping on the importance of a "positive attitude", and not giving oneself over to negativity. One on level I agree, but when it comes to approaching events/new situations, often I find that I feel better afterwards if I go in with slightly negative expectations. Sometimes I go in thinking things will be good, but circumstances/other people ruin in; other times I'll go in a little apprehensive, but end up pleasantly surprised when things aren't awful.
Can anyone else relate?
Yes, that's how it happens to me. I try to prevent disappointment by having low expectations. And it feels good to be pleasantly surprised later.
Perhaps the positive attitude is the right idea by itself, but it doesn't always apply to all situations. It's helpful in some. Maybe if you have to do something in order to bring about the result, it's good to have a positive attitude because that means you'll actually do something to move things forward. (And if you have a negative attitude, you won't even try.)
There is talk about the "spiritual" idea of being positive (the laws of attraction) and having the Universe hear you and bring you what you want (based on you feeling positive about it). But I don't know if it actually works or is just a misunderstood idea.
I can relate. I discovered back in my teens that it's better to not get my hopes up about things, so I won't be disappointed. Then if there is a positive outcome, it's a "pleasant surprise" like the other poster said.
I'm in my 40s now and I still hold to this approach, because it works for me. When I try to explain it to people, they always react by saying that my approach is "negative" and "pessimistic," and that expecting the worst will only cause the worst to happen.
But that has not been my experience. Expecting the worst (meaning preparing for it, visualizing what it would be like) has never caused the "worst" to happen. And the times when the "worst" actually did happen, I handled it well, because I was prepared and not thrown off or shocked. To me, the pain of being disappointed when you've had your hopes up is something I'd prefer to avoid. Sure, I also hope for the best. I pray for the best outcome, and visualize that too. But I spend much more time preparing myself to get through the bad outcome.
And no, I'm not a depressed person. I don't come off as "negative" or a "doom-and-gloomer" to others around me. I would actually consider myself a very positive person, meaning I'm generally happy and content. What give me a sense of security in my happiness is that I know I'm prepared for any negative thing that happens, within the limits of what I can reasonably foresee as possible.
A few years ago, I found a book that reinforced the validity of my attitude: The Wisdom of Negative Thinking by Humphreys.
I also found validation in my graduate work in clinical social work, when I learned about "stress inoculation." In essence, it's preparing ahead of time for a possible trauma, so that if/when the trauma does happen, you're less likely to experience symptoms of PTSD. Without knowing this was a concept that existed, I did this when I was a little kid. I used to worry, a lot, excessively. I would worry that one of my parents would die, or that my parents would get divorced, that my dog would die, that our house would burn down, that there would be a nuclear war, etc. I then decided to visualize what it would be like if that bad thing happened, to the point where I would be crying. But then I would get "used to" the feeling until it didn't feel so overwhelming, and then I'd visualize what I would do if it did happen. I clearly remember doing this at age 7, and it helped me a lot, and the result was that my excessive worrying decreased.
Even as an adult, I mentally prepare myself for the bad things that might happen. When you visualize such situations, you can get yourself to the point where you really experience the painful feelings. But after you do it for a bit, the feelings become less intense, and you feel a sort-of mastery over them. Then if that bad thing ever does happen, you'll get those feelings, but by then, they are nothing new or shocking, and you can deal with them.
Anyway, that's what's worked for me.
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