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I've read the thread, and YOU appear to be particularly fussy and dismissive, which could easily figure into why your sister seems to have lost interest. That said, another factor could be that she may feel 'left behind', you have created a marriage/children while perhaps she isn't moving in the direction she hoped to, and interacting with you is a reminder of her own shortcomings.
If, and I say if again, you would like to repair your relationship, then perhaps you could take a serious interest in exactly what she is doing. You say she camps, go camping with her, a sisters camping trip for a couple days. As children growing up together, you must have some fond memories to recall and build off of. Don't gloat or talk too much about yourself and your children, etc etc.... Perhaps you don't care enough to do this, if that is the case then you can move on and forget about it all, perhaps someday she will be in a different place mentally, or perhaps not.
Pennies, I think it's great that you care enough about the relationship to try to get advice on how to deal with what has to be a frustrating situation. However, it seems that you may just be looking for support for your point of view -- you're sounding really angry with your sister, and not too inclined to see things from her perspective. Maybe it would be good to see a counselor about this for a little while? Then you can come at it fresh, and perhaps cut your sister some slack for not being the person you think that she should be. Good luck to you and her, too...family ties are incredibly important, especially later in life.
Sounds like Narcissist Personality Disorder to me.
You're probably not around her enough to see how pervasive the patterns are in her life. That's when it becomes a full-on disorder: when she treats pretty much everyone with vile behavior (except people she charms because she needs something from them).
They're usually incredibly charming, but downright awful to people who don't pay them proper "homage." And you probably weren't fawning over her enough.
You haven't really cut off your sister off. You should never give out a phone number until you contact the person and inquire if it's ok to give the number or else ask the person inquiring for their number and tell them you will pass it on to your sister.
I do not know where my sister lives, I don't even know if she has a telephone. That is cut off. Our mother died in 1980 and I saw my sister then. Our father died in 1984 and we talked. Seventeen years pass and another relative died hubby and I attended the funeral and my sister was there. We spoke and that's it.
Prior to my parents deaths we would all gather for Christmas, Thanksgiving, July 4, Labor day, birthdays to celebrate. After my parents died hubby and I would have the celebrations at our house, furnishing everything. They just had to show up. Then leave me with the clean-up. So I said let's start rotating at each others home. We did this when my parents were alive. The family celebrations stopped all together. If I wasn't going to host it, no one would and never again was our entire family together.
This is not why my sister and I don't have a relationship. I was born late in life to my parents and she was in high school when I came along. She married and moved on as I was growing up and I literally grew up with her children. But she is still my sister and I guess if either one of us dies, we will read about it in the newspaper obits.
In a perfect world, things would be repaired and we could go back to regular contact, but I can not interact with someone who does not want to interact with me. It is very emotionally exhausting to be in a one-sided relationship.
I don't want anything to do with her. I only initiated contact with her twice, when our dog was dying and once when she "forgot" one of my kid's birthdays. All other contact was initiated by her.
There are no contradictions. I don't contact her, she contacts me like twice a year.
There are contradictions. You say it is a one-sided relationship. You say you cannot interact with someone who does not want to interact with you. Yet SHE is the one that contacts you twice a year. I am so confused! Is it one sided on her part since you never contact her but she contacts you twice a year???!!
Both of you are living your lives and probably there is nothing wrong with either one of you. You have minimal contact with each other and for many people that is more than enough. There is no right or wrong in that regard.
However, just some advice: never, and I mean never, give out anyone's phone number, address, or any information to another person. You do not have that right and your sister was well within her rights to be angry. If someone asks for the information, use FB and let your sister know. Other than that, stay out of it. You do not know what has happened in the past since you are not that involved in her life.
I find it better to never make judgments about others or ask what is wrong with them. Just live your own life. If the relationship between you and your sister gets better, that is good. If not, that is probably good, too.
I've read the thread, and YOU appear to be particularly fussy and dismissive, which could easily figure into why your sister seems to have lost interest. That said, another factor could be that she may feel 'left behind', you have created a marriage/children while perhaps she isn't moving in the direction she hoped to, and interacting with you is a reminder of her own shortcomings.
If, and I say if again, you would like to repair your relationship, then perhaps you could take a serious interest in exactly what she is doing. You say she camps, go camping with her, a sisters camping trip for a couple days. As children growing up together, you must have some fond memories to recall and build off of. Don't gloat or talk too much about yourself and your children, etc etc.... Perhaps you don't care enough to do this, if that is the case then you can move on and forget about it all, perhaps someday she will be in a different place mentally, or perhaps not.
Good luck,
Not sure how I am fussy or dismissive...??? She doesn't want kids. I don't know if she wants to get married as she lives her life in secret
Part of the problem is she doesn't WANT me to do things with her. ***note everything I am about to say happened PRIOR to the split***
She never told me about things happening in her life, much less invited me to join. She would only tell me about things AFTER they occurred AND AFTER much prying or I just happened to find out. One time I found a flyer for skydiving in her car. I asked her about it and she was like "oh, I went a couple weeks ago." Anytime you ask her about her plans for the weekend or holidays or days off she just says "Idk." Then weeks later through various conversation we (myself and/or our parents) would figure out she did go out with friends or did go camping or did something fun. She got hit by a friggin car and I didn't find out for three DAYS. I only found out because I invited her to go somewhere with us and she said she couldn't because she was on crutches. After much prying she finally told me what happened. I seriously have more balanced conversations with my dog.
It has ALWAYS been like this too, so it's not a new thing. In high school, I always invited her to hang out with me and my friends or even just the two of us. She never invited me anywhere with her friends (and would even get upset if my parents suggested I join) or even one on one. She never tells anyone anything and never inquires about anyone else. It is exhausting constantly having to pull and pull and pull at someone and then they doing NOTHING to reciprocate. It is hurtful to put so much in and get nothing back. I had to just let it go.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alicia64
Sounds like Narcissist Personality Disorder to me.
You're probably not around her enough to see how pervasive the patterns are in her life. That's when it becomes a full-on disorder: when she treats pretty much everyone with vile behavior (except people she charms because she needs something from them).
They're usually incredibly charming, but downright awful to people who don't pay them proper "homage." And you probably weren't fawning over her enough.
Alley
I think she is this a bit. She never called or texted me unless she needed something, then it had to be done RIGHT AWAY. If I needed something, she would only do it if it was convenient to her. If it wasn't I was **** out of luck. I thought I couldn't get by without her, but I have learned that I easily can. And I am glad about that for a lot of reasons.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolinaWoman
You haven't really cut off your sister off. You should never give out a phone number until you contact the person and inquire if it's ok to give the number or else ask the person inquiring for their number and tell them you will pass it on to your sister.
I do not know where my sister lives, I don't even know if she has a telephone. That is cut off. Our mother died in 1980 and I saw my sister then. Our father died in 1984 and we talked. Seventeen years pass and another relative died hubby and I attended the funeral and my sister was there. We spoke and that's it.
Prior to my parents deaths we would all gather for Christmas, Thanksgiving, July 4, Labor day, birthdays to celebrate. After my parents died hubby and I would have the celebrations at our house, furnishing everything. They just had to show up. Then leave me with the clean-up. So I said let's start rotating at each others home. We did this when my parents were alive. The family celebrations stopped all together. If I wasn't going to host it, no one would and never again was our entire family together.
This is not why my sister and I don't have a relationship. I was born late in life to my parents and she was in high school when I came along. She married and moved on as I was growing up and I literally grew up with her children. But she is still my sister and I guess if either one of us dies, we will read about it in the newspaper obits.
I actually got a new number and didn't give it to her or put her number into my new phone. My parents gave her my new number . She knows where I live because we haven't moved, but I am sure they will also give her our new address when we do.
I have two siblings and we are all seniors. We all live in separate states. Each of us can be annoying in various areas and love they don't live near me!!!! Peace and quiet in my life.
I really do not understand my sister at all. Almost two years ago I had to cut her out of my life because her rude, inconsiderate, self-centered behavior was causing me a great deal of anxiety.
This is the biggest problem I have with her though (and now I know for sure it is HER and not me). She never shows any interest in my life. Even before I cut her out, she never asked how I was, if things were going well, what we were doing, about my pregnancies., how the kids were etc. Never. I remember writing this super long email to her describing all that was going on here and her response was "I'm going camping so I won't have internet for a few days." . I just don't understand how a person can just not give a crap and have zero interest in their supposed loved ones lives (yet expect them to be there the second THEY need something). I am beginning to wonder if she has some sort of psychological disorder that makes her incapable of engagement with other people or if she really just is a self-centered......?
Your sister sounds really Depressed to me. Sometimes the best thing to do is just let them go and give them time to work things out. If you feed into the situation, it only fuels their depression.
I'd just send her a message saying you're going to leave her alone so she can work things out, and that you'll be there for her if/when she comes around again, then STICK TO IT! It might be hard at first, but after a while your sister will either come around to her senses or perhaps seek some help from a professional.
She might just be rude and self-centered, as you say; you've certainly made a good case for that. But she might be really anxious or depressed, which often looks rude and self-centered, but is really more about being overwhelmed and unable to deal with anything well; she could sure fit that category too based on what you've said. Some people also just have lousy social skills and don't know how to interact normally with others. There are a lot of possibilities.
It's not up to you to fix it, but you could sure point out to her that she's being a total hag and might want to think more about the effect she has on others.
This. Or doesn't feel good about herself for one reason or another. I know I'm the only one from high school, college and after than has gotten fat. Sometimes I think I got everyone else's weight! So I don't go to reunions etc.
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. She knows where I live because we haven't moved, but I am sure they will also give her our new address when we do.
. I just don't understand how a person can just not give a crap and have zero interest in their supposed loved ones lives (yet expect them to be there the second THEY need something). I am beginning to wonder if she has some sort of psychological disorder that makes her incapable of engagement with other people or if she really just is a self-centered......?
