How can I get over a crush with my first cousin that has last for 4 years? (depressed, boyfriend)
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My cousin was born in another country ( she's in Sweden and i'm in Vietnam ). We have known each other for a long time. However, things just started during her visit to Vietnam in 2011, i was 17 and she's 18 then. Somehow during that visit, i was drawn to her beauty and she's also very nice to me. When she left i cried like never before.
We kept contact though facebook and since then i have talked with her alot. However, 2 years ago i learned that she had a boyfriend, and since then my life became darker and darker. Since then, she doensn’t talk to me as much as before, and i always feel jealous and angry when i see them posting photos on facebook together.
So far i’ve never tell her or anyone that i love her romantically, so for her everything is still fine. But for me things just get more and more stressful, i have watched alot of porn and get more depressed, i always think about she and her boyfriend having sex, while i’m here being lonely. No one will approve this relationship because it’s incest.
.Its been 4 years since that summer that we haven't met each other. I am 21 now, a shy boy who just sit all day with the laptop, i rarely go out and if so then mostly i just go out alone. Most of my friends are males and i’m really afraid whenever i speak to girls.
I wish i could see her in person now and tell her everything. I'm tired of crying in the nights because of missing her, tired of feeling jealous when seeing her and her boyfriend. I know that she just considers me as her cousin only, but for me she’s like everything. What should i do now, i really need some advice ?
It is not uncommon for someone to seek relationships (healthy or unhealthy) to fill needs in their life and become obsessed (addicted) to the role that person fulfills in one's life. However, those relationships are rarely successful because they are built on codependency rather than true mutual affection and care. It similar to when patients develop feelings for their therapist.
Porn often has the same effect. You become dependent on porn for your physical sexual needs... however it is also a stark reminder how empty your life is. In the end, you are in a room by yourself watching a fantasy that is so far removed from reality. I think watching porn is a normal thing to do. However, becoming dependent on it (or anything else.. smoking, drinking.. etc) can be unhealthy.
It is also not uncommon for even the closest of friends to lose contact with each other once life moves on. This has happened to me. People move away, make new friends, build new relationships, and live their life. I've reconnected with some of my closest of friends but our relationships are not what they used to be. I'm happy to have reconnected but it is not uncommon to go for a long period of time with no contact. I am happy for them. You try to be happy that your cousin has found someone too.
Furthermore, I wouldn't be surprised if your feelings were picked up by your cousin and made her uncomfortable. With feelings you describe (crying when she leaves) it is rare for a human being to fully and completely hide his/her feelings. People are fairly good at pickup up on various hints hidden in behavior. She probably has made a conscious effort to put distance between you two without confronting it. Especially when she has developed a relationship with another person.
Ultimately, I think you will need professional help I know.. I know.. It is a very difficult leap. I am struggling with the leap myself. If you can find a close friend to confide in comfort, that would be great. Just need to start talking.. it is important to get it out and get a good healthy discussion. I am known by all my friends/family/acquaintances to be a very logical and rationally driven person. However when I struggle, I am at times irrational. I have handful of people who I confide... they know me.. and have on occasion pulled me aside when they sense I'm struggling.
You can find people to talk to in various groups in the community and church. I'm not a religious person but one such group is run by a priest but he doesn't preach during these sessions. I can see that it has helped people in and outside of his church. However, I found that talking one on one with people I consider friends more comforting. Just need to find what works for you...
As your cousin has placed distance... you should try as well. Need to stop looking at those facebook photos. Perhaps even consider unplugging the computer for longer periods of time. Heartbreak is a real condition both emotionally and physically. It can take a very long time to overcome depending on how strong your feelings were coupled with the effort you put into it to climb out. The stages of heartbreak are almost identical to grief over loosing someone to death. You need to allow yourself to work through the phases and accept each stage. For me, the biggest help was keeping the mind distracted. Focus on yourself. Get some good sleep. Get some exercise (I'm struggling with this too). PIckup a new hobby and obsess over it. Keep the mind distracted but allow short periods of time to reflect and "grieve". Distraction is essentially emotionally distancing yourself. With time, it gets better
You don't need psychological help. I did some research a few years ago and found its legal to marry your first cousin in about 1/2 the states in the USA. If you want to pursue her, fine, IMHO, just don't be surprised if you get some responses like you'll get here from your family. Plus, if you don't get any kind of equal vibe coming from her, well, then, I definitely would not pursue it. You're just going to look bad and everyone in your family will remember for a long long time.
You don't need psychological help. I did some research a few years ago and found its legal to marry your first cousin in about 1/2 the states in the USA. If you want to pursue her, fine, IMHO, just don't be surprised if you get some responses like you'll get here from your family. Plus, if you don't get any kind of equal vibe coming from her, well, then, I definitely would not pursue it. You're just going to look bad and everyone in your family will remember for a long long time.
There you go, OP.
Move to the US, become a citizen, then approach your cousin and see if she's into you. If so, you could move to one of the states that allows cousin marriage.
Or block her on Facebook, realize that these feelings you're thriving on are nothing but fantasy you've created, put away the laptop, go outside and live your life.
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get help , then a girlfriend ( that your not related to)
