Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If I were hanged on the highest hill
I know whose love would follow me still
If I were drowned in the deepest sea
I know whose tears would come down to me
If I were damned of body and soul
I know whose prayers would make me whole
When your mother is a jerk, you need to avoid spending time with her, but still give her your love and respect. Even if you don't talk to her for years, you should at least send her some flowers or something every Mothers Day. And it's always better to say nothing than to say something mean.
Reward her for being a bad mother? Hell no! That would make her think she did it all right. NO WAY. A jerk mother deserves to be sad on mothers day.
Poisonous people eventually lose their entitlements, which is how their children survive them. Abuse takes many forms.Sometimes the only way to move forward is to leave the toxic source behind.
Agreed, and what in the world would you say on a card that you sent with those flowers???
"Hey thanks for your terrible behavior! Been seeing a therapist to treat the anxiety that is no-doubt, directly a result of your abusive ways! Hope all is well!"
"Hey thanks for your terrible behavior! Been seeing a therapist to treat the anxiety that is no-doubt, directly a result of your abusive ways! Hope all is well!"
"This is as close as I can get to your world without sacrificing my happiness and sanity! Enjoy the day, but enjoy it without a way to ruin mine!"
The assumption with honouring parents, where things have gone right off piste, is that you have already stated what is unacceptable about their behaviour, and then you have put the boundaries in place (i.e. limited time with them) to protect yourself from abuse. Once this has been done, you are free to take control of how and when you interact with them. One has to get out of the child ego state and into the adult, where their parenting attitude toward you doesn't find any response.
In our case, it has been my MIL - my wife's mother. I support my wife and go along when we go and we both discuss and agree the strategy for how to be with them. We go as a family because that is what we are - we have 4 of their grandchildren, which they don't get to see too often. MIL doesn't say anything to me, and I don't say anything to her. My wife sends birthday and anniversary cards signing off with 'Love, '. They were the only ones who didn't give us a wedding card on our day (nearly 9 years ago) and they don't send us anniversary cards. My wife has just received her first birthday card signed off with 'Love'.
Where a person is the blood child of the abusive parent, the bond is stronger, as is the ability to keep trying to do the right thing. It will take most of these abusive types of parents into the after life before they start to deal with their issues.
Location: New Albany, Indiana (Greater Louisville)
11,974 posts, read 25,476,450 times
Reputation: 12187
I've cut off contact with all but a couple members of my biological family and have no regrets. People don't change, if you've never had a productive relationship with them by your late 20s you never will and it's time to move on.
I am not disputing your feelings, but even though my daughter and I are on good terms, she has said several hurtful things about the past that I really feel as if she made up, or at least has clouded with her imagination.
It is possible that your mother really remembers things differently than you do.
You're right, perspective is everything; an adult child who consistently remember the past differently, might indicate a problem in the relationship.
Truly damaging toxic people never accept responsibility for anything; ever. Chaos is their middle name, they know no other way of interfacing with others. Champs at omission, half stories and outright lies. Typically they're narcissists who scapegoat and other issues related to mental health.
I've cut off contact with all but a couple members of my biological family and have no regrets. People don't change, if you've never had a productive relationship with them by your late 20s you never will and it's time to move on.
Yes, you're doing the right thing. Never look back or feel the need to defend your position on why; they don't hear you, and only someone who's experienced the same will completely understand.
The assumption with honouring parents, where things have gone right off piste, is that you have already stated what is unacceptable about their behaviour, and then you have put the boundaries in place (i.e. limited time with them) to protect yourself from abuse. Once this has been done, you are free to take control of how and when you interact with them. One has to get out of the child ego state and into the adult, where their parenting attitude toward you doesn't find any response.
In our case, it has been my MIL - my wife's mother. I support my wife and go along when we go and we both discuss and agree the strategy for how to be with them. We go as a family because that is what we are - we have 4 of their grandchildren, which they don't get to see too often. MIL doesn't say anything to me, and I don't say anything to her. My wife sends birthday and anniversary cards signing off with 'Love, '. They were the only ones who didn't give us a wedding card on our day (nearly 9 years ago) and they don't send us anniversary cards. My wife has just received her first birthday card signed off with 'Love'.
Where a person is the blood child of the abusive parent, the bond is stronger, as is the ability to keep trying to do the right thing. It will take most of these abusive types of parents into the after life before they start to deal with their issues.
It will take most of these abusive types of parents into the after life before they start to deal with their issues.
Couldn't have said that better myself!! Not even sickness, a chronic illness (such as stage 4 rare cancer) changes these types. Not even on her death bed, does my soon to be "ex-narcissistic MIL", who is very HIGH on that spectrum (malignant describes her best) show any signs of 'dealing with her issues'. You'll think now is a good time as any, as she lay there dying.. but no. Blatant denial at best is her fortress! No death bed confessions will be forthcoming. This "woman" has and still IS doing great damage to her two sons (one of which I'm walking away from, as he has picked up a major infestation of her fleas/flaws, the 'golden child'). It's truly a matter of the will. Even so..... as she makes her last curtain call, her grand finale, may God see fit to have mercy on her soul.
PS: Recommended reading: The Road Less Traveled and People of the Lie, both by: M. Scott Peck M.D.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
???
