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Sounds like you aren't good at following directions. The marriage counselor - not judge - told both of you to speak to each other. You didn't do that. You repeatedly looked at the counselor - not judge. You need to listen and follow directions for this to work. If you're in marriage counseling, it's because your marriage is in trouble. Do you want to fix it? Then follow along. It's not all about you. It's not all about your wife. It's about your marriage.
That sounds like a cheap blow-off on the counselor's part. Any uneducated idiot off the street can tell two people to "speak to each other" and demand compliance. No psychology degree is needed for that. The OP and his wife paid the counselor a lot of money for their wisdom and knowledge. The counselors either refused to provide it or didn't have it to begin with.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JONOV
Do you have any statistics on that? That sounds like an extreme stretch to me. I'm Catholic and most of my friends are at least cradle Catholics/Chreasters (I went to a Catholic HS and college,) and I can't think of any engagements that ended because of Pre Cana. The only one that did end early probably had more to do with her cheating on him.
No, I don't. My numbers come from my own pre-cana experience and I currently know a couple who are pre-cana mentors and a couple years ago we had this discussion. She guessed it seemed about half dropped out. But those may not be statistically correct observations.
The best exercise we did was couples had to hold hands. Now. Your first Christmas as a married couple is coming up. You have to decide where to go. Those who will spend it with her family please go to that side of the room. Those who will spend it with his family to go this side of the room. Those who will spend it somewhere else go over there.
Oh my. "We ALWAYS celebrate at my family!" "Grandma would just die if we weren't there!" "I thought we'd start spending holidays in our own home once we were married!" That exercise alone dropped several couples out. Those who disagreed couldn't even pretend to agree for the sake of looking harmonious.
It's amazing to me what couples don't discuss before they get married - it would be great if other denominations adopted the pre-cana model, or if it was just offered to the general public in a community college setting.
No, I don't. My numbers come from my own pre-cana experience and I currently know a couple who are pre-cana mentors and a couple years ago we had this discussion. She guessed it seemed about half dropped out. But those may not be statistically correct observations.
The best exercise we did was couples had to hold hands. Now. Your first Christmas as a married couple is coming up. You have to decide where to go. Those who will spend it with her family please go to that side of the room. Those who will spend it with his family to go this side of the room. Those who will spend it somewhere else go over there.
Oh my. "We ALWAYS celebrate at my family!" "Grandma would just die if we weren't there!" "I thought we'd start spending holidays in our own home once we were married!" That exercise alone dropped several couples out. Those who disagreed couldn't even pretend to agree for the sake of looking harmonious.
It's amazing to me what couples don't discuss before they get married - it would be great if other denominations adopted the pre-cana model, or if it was just offered to the general public in a community college setting.
I can't rep you right now, so I'll reply instead.
Even as an atheist, I really like the Pre-Cana thing. It emphasizes the seriousness of marriage and what goes into it. As opposed to getting married because "it's the normal thing to do" or out of pressure. (The only exceptions to this would be pregnancy marriages, where the unborn child, not the couple, is the main factor.)
"Always celebrating at my family" can be changed to having two smaller celebrations. (Exact dates for each one can be worked out later.) Because why not? This way, it's true compromise, with all parties getting at least some of what they want, as opposed to turning it into "winner takes all".
As for the hand-holding exercise, I find it really creepy. Sorry, not sorry. I'd go along with it strictly to appease the counselor and/or as a small price to pay to avoid repercussions at home.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 05-22-2017 at 09:18 AM..
I'm facepalming that the OP chose to see a marriage counselor in the first place. Especially considering how he's being treated: always giving in, neglecting his own wishes out of fear, etc. Marriage counselors almost always take the wife's side, anyway. So if anything, seeing one will make things even worse for him. But his life, his choice. <shrug>
Edited to add:
I read over the thread most closely. There are things I agree with the OP's wife on; he comes off as too much of a homebody. Even so, I stand by my opinion: marriage counselors take the wife's side. And the OP should have known that.
Maybe they do that because the wife is always right.
Last edited by chiluvr1228; 05-22-2017 at 09:48 AM..
Have you ever heard of a marriage counselor taking the husband's side?
Yes, during the many times I went to marriage counselors with my husband. But it's not "taking sides." It's helping a couple work through stumbling blocks in their relationship. Sometimes I couldn't see how my own behavior and attitude would make things worse.
Why would you even post about this? You aren't married, and you aren't a marriage counselor. Why sound off on something you have NO IDEA about???
Marriage counseling is not intended to resolve the disagreements FOR you. It's to teach you how to communicate with each other and to handle your own difficulties with respect and compassion and compromise. Your wife probably wanted you to visit a counselor because she wanted to head off problems before they grow bigger. If you are bickering about the things you described in your post now, just wait until the animosity and resentment grows and you will see how difficult it is to have a discussion about things.
During ongoing counseling sessions, the counselor will offer communication suggestions and help you define behavior that is out-of-line for either of you. Like Harriet Lerner says: the quickest way to divorce is when you expect the other person to change, rather than yourself. And the only person you can change is yourself. Harriet Lerner has a wonderful book called Marriage Rules. You might find this book most helpful before returning to counseling.
I'm facepalming that the OP chose to see a marriage counselor in the first place. Especially considering how he's being treated: always giving in, neglecting his own wishes out of fear, etc. Marriage counselors almost always take the wife's side, anyway. So if anything, seeing one will make things even worse for him. But his life, his choice. <shrug>
Edited to add:
I read over the thread most closely. There are things I agree with the OP's wife on; he comes off as too much of a homebody. Even so, I stand by my opinion: marriage counselors take the wife's side. And the OP should have known that.
The counselor didn't take EITHER side, THAT is what OP is upset about. he wanted a judge and she rightly refused to be one.
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that the OP chose to see a marriage counselor in the first place. Especially considering how he's being treated: always giving in, neglecting his own wishes out of fear, etc. Marriage counselors almost always take the wife's side, anyway. So if anything, seeing one will make things even worse for him. But his life, his choice. <shrug>
