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I would think everyone would understand that it's just bouncing ideas around; until you make the decision, it's just ideas. What's the rush?
I think there is slow, and then there is ridiculous. Deliberative is OK for a big decision, but some people can't even decide on what color shirt to buy without some long and irrational inner conflict. If everyone around you seems impatient, it's you, you're too slow. In which case you are frequently found to be in a state of "paralysis by analysis", which does drive people crazy. So if you have a small decision to make, like what frozen vegetable to buy, just pick one quickly and move on. There is no need to deliberate every option in life. Of course, a big decision will require time and analysis. But if it's what movie to watch out of 2 or 3? 5-10 seconds and you should be hitting "play".
Maybe people get sick and tired of hearing what they thought were genuine, serious considerations about an imminent life change, deteriorate into seemingly endless 'musings on the future'?
I have a friend who is incapable of silence, to the point that on several occasions he responded FOR ME when I didn't answer another person's question quickly enough. The gall!
I read him the riot act.
OP, maybe you should talk things out in your head and not share so much, unless, of course, you'd rather get a negative reaction than be ignored.
You must realize by now that talking is NOT it's own reward?
LOL! I hardly ever talk, actually; I'm a very quiet person, and talkative people drive me crazy. As I've already said, I say nothing until these people ask me about my latest plan, and I tell them what I'm currently considering. I was just curious why they seem to take it as a personal affront if what I'm considering is something different from the last time I talked to them as if I'm not allowed to change my mind or to consider something else before the fact... For the record, I haven't ruled out "living in a van." Everything is still on the table as I continue to explore and gather information until it's time to decide and act, which it isn't now, nor has it passed.
These assumptions are quite hilarious for a "Psychology" forum. But thanks anyway.
Last edited by otterhere; 02-15-2018 at 01:54 PM..
I don't know if this relates to the OP or not, and I have not encountered any obvious irritation about my looking-for-advice posts, but my husband and I have been looking for a place to retire for about three years now, and as we look and do some research, we change our minds based on what we have learned. Three years ago, we were POSITIVE (lol) that we were going to move to New Hampshire, but after two scouting trips and countless hours on online real estate sites and on C-D, we have concluded that we will need to look elsewhere. (Either the towns we've considered have turned out to be too expensive or TOO rural, or else they lack true New Hampshire character, imo.) So now we are thinking about either Door County, Wisconsin or possibly northern Pennsylvania -- and so, once again, I am on C-D, asking for advice and getting so much GREAT advice that is truly appreciated. We will be taking two more trips this year to both WI and PA, and if we are still not happy with those, then I might be back asking for advice about who-knows-where! But my point is that we ARE sincere and we know what we want, but we are just having trouble finding the right home in the right location. (We still have at least two years to look, btw -- and, yes, we do know that we will probably end up compromising in some way, but we are not ready to give up yet.)
I suppose what I am saying is that if people want to offer advice if they are asked for it, they will, and if they don't, they won't -- but I don't think anyone would or should get irritated unless someone is playing "WDYYB" ("Why don't you?" -- "Yes, but"); and in those cases, I just wonder how seriously people DO want help if they shoot down every bit of advice they get. I am NOT saying that this applies to you, Otterhere, but I am just making a general observation and offering a personal opinion.
It also seems, at least on here, that you get some sort of satisfaction out of saying, essentially, "No, you're WRONG about me...here you are, trying to draw inferences, and you don't know what you're talking about, nor do you get me at all!"
I'm wondering if this type of approach is possibly something that also spills over into in-person interactions, either implicitly or explicitly. That would be interesting to know.
Otterhere, I might very possibly be taking much of what you say the wrong way, but to ME, some of what you write (not just on this thread, but on other threads, too) comes across as being argumentative, antagonistic, sarcastic, self-pitying, arrogant and/or overly defensive -- and IF you come across that way to others, too, that might account for some of the reactions you are getting. Here are some of your statements (my italics) in just in this thread that I found “off-putting”, although I admit that I might have just have taken them the wrong way:
“But apparently this is my fault. :P”
“But unlike most people, the rest of my life isn't mapped out and constrained by marriage, obligations, money problems, or family ties. I'm basically free to do whatever I choose, which makes choosing quite difficult. Maybe they're just jealous, as my mother used to say."
“Other people have other faults. Not an excuse to abuse people.” (TRUE!)
“Wrong assumptions, along with the wrong assumption that I ask for advice (I don't) and I bring it up (I don't). I continue to gather info and explore ALL options and will decide on one WHEN the time comes, which it hasn't.
Interesting (wrong) conclusions on a "Psychology" thread? “
“These assumptions are quite hilarious for a "Psychology" forum. But thanks anyway.”
Now, admittedly, it is very hard to convey “tone” sometimes when writing, but I am just wondering if your difficulty might be in how you express yourself.
"All this says is that you have fun talking about doing different things that you have no intention of doing."
"They realize by now you're aren't serious about making a decision so they aren't invested in hearing about it."
Wrong assumptions, along with the wrong assumption that I ask for advice (I don't) and I bring it up (I don't).
I continue to gather info and explore ALL options and will decide on one WHEN the time comes, which it hasn't.
I'm not yet retired, so can't yet choose one option. Interesting (wrong) conclusions on a "Psychology" thread?
Actually, none of those assumptions are about you at all. That's just your assumption. They're answers to the question you posed in the title about "Why do people ...?"
Oh, and when they ask you "What's your plan this week?" it's not because they're interested. It's because they're yanking your chain because they already have a good read on how you will respond. They aren't angry or upset or hostile over your decisions, or lack thereof. They're entertained by your overreaction.
LOL! I hardly ever talk, actually; I'm a very quiet person, and talkative people drive me crazy. As I've already said, I say nothing until these people ask me about my latest plan, and I tell them what I'm currently considering. I was just curious why they seem to take it as a personal affront if what I'm considering is something different from the last time I talked to them as if I'm not allowed to change my mind or to consider something else before the fact... For the record, I haven't ruled out "living in a van." Everything is still on the table as I continue to explore and gather information until it's time to decide and act, which it isn't now, nor has it passed.
These assumptions are quite hilarious for a "Psychology" forum. But thanks anyway.
Ok. They could be a bunch of grouches, or are jealous.... or maybe they are not your biggest fans, yeah?
See, without actually being there, or hearing from the 'other side', we MUST make a few assumptions, not the least being that your account is spot on.
Soo, if you don't like their reactions, why not just deflect and respond that you're still gathering information, and let it go at that?
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