Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I just read a couple of pages , my brother had been single for a while and went on a group hike and that was where he met his wife. Op, go out there and join a club, gym, or some kind of activity you enjoy, go play golf just get yourself out there. I've met my husband at the last place I thought I would ever meet him.
I highly suggest fostering a dog, as long as you are a kind and compassionate person.
You will never feel lonely, that was my experience. I never felt so complete. Try fostering and then make the plunge. As long as you have the time, that is.
If you are gone more than 8 hours a day hire a dog-walker to come in at lunchtime. If you have enough $. It is a commitment however. Think about it.
rubbish.
some people might turn to religion.
some could turn to hobbies, many others to drink and drugs.
if society tells you that you need to be with others to be complete then you will always have a problem, but it isn't always true, there are some individuals-like myself- who don't need others to be complete, we are perfectly happy on our own, we are complete in our own company, we are sometimes referred to as loners but even that isn't true, we are not alone, we are 3: me, myself and I.
Thats called the root of the problem.
Me myself and i.
I can relate. I am usually lonely when I am going through a hard time. I had a friendship with someone I do not think I ever liked. It imploded today and now it is over. I am glad. She is not my kind of people. It does not make sense cultivating relationships with people who are not like you. It is unfulfiling and you end up more lonely. I am done with that crap.
I think hanging out by yourself can be fun. I just returned from a trip I had a great time alone. I did things I enjoyed alone. If you enjoy it, you are not really alone. The key is to be occupied and stimulated.
My emotions are all over the place because of my circumstances. I plan to participate in things I enjoy. Try meet up. I already plan to join a few groups. It is nice to be around people who enjoy what you do.
I truly love your post. It's so great that you're thinking about how to improve your situation. I didn't read through all the replies, but I hope you had useful contributions, and forgive me if I'm repeating what others said.
The main thing is: Find a few things you really enjoy or are interested in.
Maybe you really like movies. Or hiking. Or poetry. Or Siamese cats. Or Italian food. Or ancient history.
Then, two things. First, start focusing on it on your own. Because it won't feel pointless. The point will be that you're enjoying it and/or learning something. Second, find some groups in those areas. Maybe they'll be clubs or MeetUps. Maybe they'll be classes. Either way, it'll be a great first step to meet a few new people and maybe make a few friends.
You might also think of areas where you might be useful, not just having fun. That might mean doing political volunteering (many options with the approaching midterms!), taking care of animals at a shelter, visiting isolated people in a senior home, helping at a food bank, or seeing if your local library news an extra pair of hands. Give it a try.
Thats called the root of the problem.
Me myself and i.
maybe some people's ego is a problem but that would happen in a crowd or on their own.
some of us are just complete in ourselves and do not need others, I was brought up as an only child and have accepted that being alone is my natural state, I don't even like other people, in another age I would be called a recluse.
This thread is kind of overwhelming to read. There is so much going on here and the OP kind of has his head in the sand on a lot of stuff.
I'm someone who grew up with an emotionally (occasionally physically at a minor level) abusive mother paired with severe undiagnosed ADD. Both parents have personality disorders from what I can tell, though dad's was less toxic. I was basically emotionally feral. I had no idea how to interact with people at a normal level and I am thankful on every level for the people who had the patience to see through my weirdness and guide and befriend me. I'm 42 now and only recently realized just how toxic my mother is. I'm rethinking everything.
OP, you say you have been to therapy, but you need WAY more of it. You need to go in with a clear set of goals because aside from not wanting to be lonely, we have no idea what you really want.
You say you want a partner but you also say you don't know any group that would want you. You don't say what you have to give. You just have this idea that you want a woman to be your romantic partner, friend and entire social life on a rural property in a tiny house shared with your dysfunctional parents. Dude, that's the premise to more than a few horror movies. I mean, come on, you just said your abusive father physically threatened you and you're talking about bringing some faceless woman into that situation. That's the height of selfishness.
It's time to develop some self-awareness. It's also time to prioritize therapy and helping your parents find other arrangements. There is also a certain amount of selfishness to how you look at other people - my key takeaway is that you don't really want anything to do with them unless there's one that wants to be your partner. How many women are liable to want that in a man?
It's time to figure out what you can offer others beyond what you offer your parents to leech off you. A partner will not just manifest in your house to take away your loneliness. People do not become magically thin or wealthy because they wish it, either. Trust me, I've tried.
You have to work for those things. You need to go out in the world and learn the give and take of human relationships. After shaking off that feral childhood of mine in my mid 20s, I can honestly say I have not been lonely in something like 15 years and I've maybe been part of a couple for a fifth of that time. Add in that I have a high sex drive and that makes your claims of needing a woman kind of silly from my view. I have a very rewarding and rich social circle - but it has been a ton of work and it has required a lot of thinking about others besides myself, developing empathy ("empathy first" my therapist tells me when approaching any situation) to a much greater degree than I had, reaching out to people, and making effort. My life is complete chaos (way too many balls in the air), but it is filled with a lot of love and happiness.
The other part of this equation is that you are not happy and that is going to drive away pretty much all potential friends and romantic partners. Happiness - like relationships - is hard work. I was miserable for a long time and went through life in a low-grade depression for years. I was lucky because I met people who helped nurture my better traits - they weren't afraid to ask me for what they needed from me as a friend. In this way I learned to think beyond my own needs. I went a little overboard sometimes and it has been a learning process in terms of boundaries.
And yes, boundaries are an issue here. I suspect you have not had many boundaries with your family and that can be exhausting. My mother has no respect for boundaries. As a therapist (not my current one) explained to me, my perfectly able mother should not have been summoning me to bring her a cup of tea while she was in the bathtub just because she didn't feel like doing it herself - she expected me to be her errand girl though. I realize now that little incidents like that added up a lot over the years. I had no sense of where my boundaries should be and it gave me an unrealistic sense of where others' boundaries should be. I also viewed other people as a burden. I had no perspective on what was reasonable to give to my loved ones and what it was reasonable for them to ask. Both of my parents (not just mom) made constant unreasonable (but often tiny) demands and I just viewed it as natural - so I ended up expending too much of myself with the rest of my family and loved ones when they showed any sign of needing my help. Sometimes it's the right thing to do, but setting yourself on fire for other people on request doesn't really benefit anyone. For 14 years you've had a pretty unhealthy situation with your parents and it sounds like you have had very little in the way of boundaries with them. I suspect that has made you less open to other people - you are emotionally depleted. I was the same for a long time.
But you can't just expect life to beam a partner to you and that you don't have to have relationships with other people. Very few romantic relationships can exist in a vacuum, which is the only way one could survive in your current situation.
Get yourself into therapy. Resolve the situation with your parents and don't let anyone guilt you into maintaining the status quo. Work on being happy. DECIDE to be happy. Learn how to interact with other people and appreciate them. Learn proper boundaries. And while you're at it, date.
That's all I've got.
I don't know how I missed this post earlier, but thanks for taking the time to share all that. Your perspective is helpful in understanding that boundaries need to be established, which is something that my therapist try to pound into my head because I didn't get it. I thought love had no boundaries and if you loved someone you would do anything for them. I was wrong.
As far as going to some group or meetup, the thought of it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I guess low self worth plays a role in that. The churches I've been to make me feel worse as there's usually a lot of people there trying to show everyone how great they are and judging those who they deem as less than them. Besides, I hate being asked to "serve" for free by some preacher who gets paid for it. Meetup isn't really a thing in my area. It's too rural. People usually have cliques here.
Whatever I do, it's becoming more clear that I'm going to have to venture far outside my comfort zone and actually socialize with a group of people if I'm going to meet someone to be a partner. What that's going to look like, I have no idea.
Hi. Well, maybe women deal with loneliness differently than men. It seems like women can fill that void with friendships. Maybe men can too, just not me. I think you're probably right about me needing to join some organization to get involved with to find someone. I just have no idea what kind of group would want me as a member.
I agree with this. I think men have a more acute desire to be in an intimate relationship. Some women do too, but the ones who are the most vocal about not needing to be with a man.. well, clearly they actually really dont and they are honest about it.. What gets me is that they also typically proceed from that to claim that since it is possible and ok for them to live that way its therefore ok to be that way for everyone.
Truth is, the "happiness by yourself" doctrine is not applicable to all people. Like you, I want to experience things in a company of another human being. If I want to be with a lovely wife every night and I cant have it, of course this will be making me sad. I cant just block it out.
I agree with this. I think men have a more acute desire to be in an intimate relationship. Some women do too, but the ones who are the most vocal about not needing to be with a man.. well, clearly they actually really dont and they are honest about it.. What gets me is that they also typically proceed from that to claim that since it is possible and ok for them to live that way its therefore ok to be that way for everyone.
Truth is, the "happiness by yourself" doctrine is not applicable to all people. Like you, I want to experience things in a company of another human being. If I want to be with a lovely wife every night and I cant have it, of course this will be making me sad. I cant just block it out.
I don't think men have a more acute desire to be intimate. There might be a tendency to rely heavily on females for emotional support and then there might be little energy left for a significant other. That's basically a relationship just trying survive and it will struggle as a result.
The OP is just trying to survive and has no room for a relationship. All of his energy is being directed towards his parents and there is very little left for himself. I would work on energy management the way I would work on time management and make room for the life I want to live.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
