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Wow, does your SO know you think so little of South African professionals? Therapists have therapists all over the world (it's part of the psychoanalytic theory of transference and counter-transferance), where in order to manage their own emotional health, due to the context they work in, having a fellow therapist is vital.
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I'm not blaming you, but this is your struggle and the struggle of most middle aged men, its a taboo subject for men to admit that they feel lonely, until men open up about it more it will continue to be that way. My partner is very charismatic and connects easily with people but keeping that connection is difficult because he doesn't want people to think he doesn't have any friends until he overcomes this fear, he will continue to fail at keeping these potential friendships.
I appreciate what you're saying and that you are sympathetic to the struggle most middle age men face. Yes, we have to be honest about the loneliness (especially at our birthdays etc. where the pain is felt more acutely) but I'm not sure that the structural impediments I've named can be surmounted. In other words, we are destined to fail at keeping friendships because they very seldom exist. In order words, no matter how psychologically healthy, it is likely that most of us have no friends.
The tread has been running for a while now and although not "healthy" it does seem that the situation of having no friends is normal (norm as a statistical concept, something that affects the vast majority of us). So, for now, it seems like its a bit of asking for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change and focusing on other parts of our life. I do not need friends to be happy, I want them and am understandably disappointed when that doesn't happen.
Wow, does your SO know you think so little of South African professionals? Therapists have therapists all over the world (it's part of the psychoanalytic theory of transference and counter-transferance), where in order to manage their own emotional health, due to the context they work in, having a fellow therapist is vital.
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You asked what country doesn't see therapy as a weakness. I answered the U.S. And I know why therapists see therapists...you need to lighten up just a little not everything needs to be so serious.
How did you assume i was mocking SA professionals? My SO is one of smartest people i know, he grew up poor and abandoned, but worked incredibly hard and he put himself through school, he has since worked for major global companies. He isn't one of those entitled people that I'm sure you know all to well having grown up in the apartheid years and now living back in SA.
Given your skills and education, it’s got to be difficult to weigh your contributions in SA against your being elsewhere and happier? I don’t know.
You seem like you’re yearning for closer relationships - aren’t we all. You remind me so much of my best friend. PhD in theoretical physics, many healthy social outlets. Somehow still solitary.
Um... volunteer? Meeting people outside your expected community is - at least, not boring. Figure out what friends you’d like to have then work from that. Gay, gay ally, don’t care?
I wish I could offer better insight. I wish you well.
Last edited by paperwing; 03-14-2019 at 10:14 PM..
Reason: Grammar
Family: Highly Dysfunctional. I have an elderly mother who is mentally unstable (OCPD) and an older brother who is learning disabled (having the thinking capacity of a 10-year-old). I think I would be closer to my brother if our ages were closer, but he is 15 years older than I am and so the generation gap is an issue.
I have a residual avoidant attachment style after having being parented in a highly dysfunctional family.
Hi, I will give you a perspective from someone who has spent most of life in the pursuit of happiness, a job that pays ok but does not consume my life and I am an artist. My goal has been to be there for my family and I have succeeded. I spent the last years of my mom, bro and dad with them helping in all ways.
I have a few good friends and a larger circle of down to earth (for the most part) artist friends. we all share the same goals: not hurting others and having fun in our individual ways.
When I read your words all I can think is "this person needs to have some fun!". I think it is a great time to develop the other side of you. The fun side, the playful side. Read some novels, join book groups, go see some art at local galleries and go to art openings. Maybe join some sports clubs that are amateur (not sure they have those there). we have leagues that are really more for getting some exercise and having fun. Go to a comedy club. Ask a group of friends from work that you actually like, to go to a Happy Hour after work. Maybe play some billiards there? If it is fun one of them will let you know and you can schedule another one, not too often, just time to time. I would have a goal of about 6 social things a month you do that are fun.
Something you said really struck me. I was out the other night because I had won some free tickets to an trippy/unconventional opera and in the same complex was a gym. People were arriving to go to the gym and somehow they looked sort of desperate and miserable to me. Like they are part of some "I made it" clique that is out of touch with some part of their psychological needs. I was stopping to smell the flowers - literally - and no one noticed or commented or looked me in the eye, they were determined to get fit and make their fitness goals and in a rigid time of life.
So that's what I advise, have fun, find out what is fun for you and do it.
The gay scene in South Africa is very superficial and highly promiscious. The quick sex associated with gay life is not just a stereotype here, its the reality.
I am a sexual conservative. I don't believe in one night stands, or casual hook-ups etc.
I believe that sex is sacred. Its the most intimate form of communication two people can have. Our society has become incredibly profane and when I think about it, I'm happy that there is at least one thing that I can call "sacred".
Besides research shows that lonely people after hook-ups or casual sex tend to feel even more lonely and regretful.
That is, like you said yourself, a gay SCENE. Not all gay people are on a scene. Looks like you don’t know gay community yourself very well neither.
You have it easy here on this forums. People call you intelligent, suggest joining MENSA. I really wonder why, because to me your thinking patterns shown here are nowhere near extraordinary. What some do here to you is Political Correctness for minorities at its finest. But that can actually do you more bad than good. I’m not saying you’re not smart, I have no clue about that, but these MENSA comments are ridiculous. Being an academic doesn’t mean being a MENSA material, LOL.
Why does everybody here want me in therapy...I know that I have "issues" when it comes to relationships, I know from where they stem, and importantly I know what I need to make a special effort at doing (being the first to initiate conversation, showing interest in the other person, examining mutual interests etc.)
I've actually had both a dog and a cat. My dog lives on our family home as I live in an apartment now and dogs are not allowed. I gave my cat to a better home when I realised that all my travelling was getting in the way of giving her the care she needed.
Family: Highly Dysfunctional. I have an elderly mother who is mentally unstable (OCPD) and an older brother who is learning disabled (having the thinking capacity of a 10-year-old). I think I would be closer to my brother if our ages were closer, but he is 15 years older than I am and so the generation gap is an issue.
I have an aunt who is 84 and she is extremely lonely. I don't want to become her. But she made herself that way. She wouldn't associate with people in a lower socio-economic group than she was and actively excluded people from her life, preferring to be surrounded by her kids (who've since flown the nest) and her wealth. I would reach out her but she still carries all those airs and graces about her, she makes everyone feel they are highly underqualified for her friendship and us as the family should be grateful for her company.
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Based on the therapy I've had, it's likely I chose solitary activities (such as grad school) as much as to avoid people as because I enjoyed them. I have a residual avoidant attachment style after having being parented in a highly dysfunctional family.
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Fully agree, but those opportunities are few and far between. I also don't want to enter a relationship simply because I'm desperate, because I will end up starting things with people I'm not compatible with.
There are two things I've bolded above.
1) I think you should go back into therapy because you are unhappy with the current situation and worried about your future in a social sense. I figure there are more reputable therapists in South Africa than there are reputable life coaches. You want friends - a therapist can discuss ideas with you and help you set goals, then hold you accountable to them. You sound like you have no problem doing this in real life, but you've got enough going on to "distract" yourself from following through.
Getting friends and maintaining them is work. Which sounds weird, but it's true. I'm constantly going over the people in my life and wondering if I've been in contact with them enough and when we last hung out. I'm heading home for a week for a vacation, but I guarantee you that 90% of that will be me shoring up relationships that have been weakened by our distance from each other. Now, this is FUN work, but it is still something that requires a lot of thought and intention. A therapist can kind of clue you in on how the work of maintaining friendships goes.
If you are not someone who has a lot of relationships in your life, there may be a lot of things that you are missing out on. For example, I am in the process of building a new friendship with a professional colleague. We have bonded over a bunch of things and I think she's a hoot. But while we were hanging out last night, I realized she has been the one to kind of determine what we do for each get together, and I have been way too passive. So I'm going to be the one to ask her to join me for an activity that I have decided on for our next outing. One of my best friends is an "ok whatever you want" type, and it puts a lot of pressure on me and my other bestie as far as planning goes.
2) You say you come from a HIGHLY dysfunctional background, so that is reason alone to see a therapist. That's going to get in the way of human interactions. I also came from a highly dysfunctional background and I was basically socially feral for the first 25 years of my life. I'm still single at 42, but I'm actually living a very happy life with tons of friends (about to head out to hang for an evening with one, actually; had a fun evening with another last night and have an afternoon "dessert outing" planned with another for Sunday.
But here's the thing: I would not have made ANY of those friendships if I hadn't sorted through a lot of the dysfunction in my life and figured out how to address it. There was a lot of examination of how I treated people on my own and with a therapist over the past 20 years. I'm not saying you treat people badly, but you may be failing to communicate or understand the kind of emotional intimacy that happens between friends. My mother was very dramatic, for example - it was all part of her "performative" nature. So when people would be emotional with me, I would shut down and become very uncomfortable because emotional behavior was a sign of instability. I think I pushed a lot of people away doing that.
So a therapist may be able to help you understand healthy boundaries given that I suspect you push people away, which DEFINITELY gets in the way of relationships, whether they are platonic or romantic.
That is, like you said yourself, a gay SCENE. Not all gay people are on a scene. Looks like you don’t know gay community yourself very well neither.
You have it easy here on this forums. People call you intelligent, suggest joining MENSA. I really wonder why, because to me your thinking patterns shown here are nowhere near extraordinary. What some do here to you is Political Correctness for minorities at its finest. But that can actually do you more bad than good. I’m not saying you’re not smart, I have no clue about that, but these MENSA comments are ridiculous. Being an academic doesn’t mean being a MENSA material, LOL.
I made the MENSA comment, but don't worry, Mr. Fine, neither you nor I will be labeled as intelligent or suggested to join MENSA, LOL.
Proficiency in expressing one thoughts in the written medium, and correct grammar, spelling and so forth, shows intelligence, whether we like it or not.
But then there's common sense, which can be quite different.
I made the MENSA comment, but don't worry, Mr. Fine, neither you nor I will be labeled as intelligent or suggested to join MENSA, LOL.
Proficiency in expressing one thoughts in the written medium, and correct grammar, spelling and so forth, shows intelligence, whether we like it or not.
But then there's common sense, which can be quite different.
OP’s grammar and spelling are not even correct and then there are users, like me, who speak another language natively, so your methodology is faulty.
And believe me or not, but I am a member of MENSA myself. I took the test a while ago, scored above 1% and got there, because it looks good on my resume. If someone believes in the real value of IQ or MENSA, then he misses the real essense of what intelligence can be imho.
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? Therapists have therapists all over the world (it's part of the psychoanalytic theory of transference and counter-transferance), where in order to manage their own emotional health, due to the context they work in, having a fellow therapist is vital. 
. Yes, we have to be honest about the loneliness (especially at our birthdays etc. where the pain is felt more acutely) but I'm not sure that the structural impediments I've named can be surmounted. In other words, we are destined to fail at keeping friendships because they very seldom exist. In order words, no matter how psychologically healthy, it is likely that most of us have no friends
. 
...
. But she made herself that way. She wouldn't associate with people in a lower socio-economic group than she was and actively excluded people from her life, preferring to be surrounded by her kids (who've since flown the nest) and her wealth. I would reach out her but she still carries all those airs and graces about her, she makes everyone feel they are highly underqualified for her friendship and us as the family should be grateful for her company
. 
