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I think the reason I'm going a bit harsh is because I've never understood the point of not wanting to live anymore, taking your most precious thing away...your life. I've gotten stressed out, sad, depressed but never got to that point of pulling the trigger.
And that's kind of it really. Most of us can't imagine such a thing. What would it take for you to commit suicide? It's a depression and helplessness most of will never understand fortunately.
This is what I've learned being on the other side....everyone copes with things differently. You could have twin siblings growing up in the same household, same everything, and one can cope better than the other. It's just how we're individually wired. Some are more prone to suicide. My coping mechanism is broken and when I'm overwhelmed, I now have mental breakdowns (I try to be strong, but it only works until it doesn't). Not everyone sees life as the most precious thing in the world. Not everyone lives life like you do, not everyone views life like you do. THAT is selfish of you to think everyone is just like you (actually it's human nature).
Anyhow, he did what he thought was best for himself and most suicidal people think everyone else is better off without them. As a surivivor, you hurt and you're angry and that's part of grieving. So, let go of the anger and forgive him. Forgive the people who made him who he is (a man who couldn't cry, who couldn't reach out to anyone, who didn't feel he could ask for help). Forgive him for not being able to overcome what was probably beat into him as a child (not necessarily literally, but most likely - especially the military). Forgive him for not being as strong as you are. Forgive him and I bet you won't care anymore about him being a coward because you'll finally understand how hard it was for him to do anything else...and suicide was the only thing he could control.
I want to add that depression is real, most people don't know what true depression is, they think it's a bad day or week. My son inherited depression from his bio dad. Bad days are really bad (as they were for my ex husband). I went through postpartum depression, it was horrible and I never want to feel that sort of despair and pain again. I wanted to run my car into a tree to end the emotional pain I was feeling. I had my son in my car at the time and that's what saved my life. I couldn't hurt him. I've never felt that way since, thank goodness.
Parents should never outlive their children. That's not how it's supposed to work. He was haunted by his loss.
I know several people who committed suicide; one was one of my closest friends. So I understand the hurt and anger you have over why anyone would do such a thing and cause so much pain to people who care about them. BUT...out of all losses, I would think that losing a child- let alone two children- is probably the worst of all. As others have said, parents aren't supposed to outlive children, and I can only imagine the gut wrenching sadness and hopelessness a parent would feel after such a tragedy.
I assume that you don't have children, OP, because even though you (rightfully) may not think suicide is the answer, you may be able to better understand just how devastating such a loss would be. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have kids, and of course not every parent who lost a child would go to such drastic measures, but I think those who do have kids are better able to understand just how life-shattering losing them would be. It would be VERY hard to want to face the rest of your life without them.
So please cut your uncle some slack; he didn't know any other way to stop the pain. My sympathy to you & your family- I do get what you're feeling, just trying to give you a look at things from his perspective.
Last edited by Gfab1; 06-24-2019 at 07:30 PM..
Reason: spelling
The strict definition of a coward is "a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.". So, yes, he meets that definition. But that doesn't mean you (or anyone) should look down on him or be angry with him. He was in so much pain, he could not see any other way, and did not have the courage to face the day.
Is it selfish to expect someone else to live a miserable life of pain because you don't want to be sad for a bit when they die?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JennieRose4
Sorry to hear about your friend.
I think the reason I'm going a bit harsh is because I've never understood the point of not wanting to live anymore, taking your most precious thing away...your life. I've gotten stressed out, sad, depressed but never got to that point of pulling the trigger.
Then you are lucky and should count your blessings rather than judging others. Not everyone is so lucky. I hope you never "understand" why someone would commit suicide. And I hope you keep your judgments to yourself on things you admit you don't understand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
I agree. This doesn't sound like the act of a cowardly person. He sounds like a person who kept themselves under a pretty tight wrap emotionally. Doesn't mean he didn't feel things deeply, just that he controlled any demonstration of it. There could have been something that broke the camel's back during the year after that horrible event. It could have been a relatively small thing, but it was just enough to break the dam. And, because he had this longstanding habit of not showing his pain, not trusting anyone enough to share it, and not allowing himself or even knowing how to ask for help, when he fell apart he saw no recourse or solution other than to stop everything.
Cowardice is defined as "lack of courage or firmness of purpose". Context matters so much. Doesn't fit with the description of this person. Ironically, sort of the opposite. He dealt with tragedy for a year after the accident (or at least did so outwardly). Something else may have made up his mind to act.
And it's possible he had always been depressed and lived in pain, and wasn't unhappy over just one event. Maybe the loss of his children was the final straw, maybe it had nothing to do with it. Sometimes a person's life simply seems pointless, or hopeless, and it's an ongoing thing, not that they're grieving over one thing that will pass. People assume a person commits suicide because one sad thing happened to them... it's usually not like that. That thing may be the trigger, or it may be the last straw, but it's probably unlikely that a person who previously had no issues is suddenly going to snap. Those around just may have had no idea how bad it was.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi
Well what’s the alternate statement telling them?
Keep your mouth shut. Period. Every person who goes around crowing about how "selfish" suicide is, isn't going to stop a suicidal person... it's just going to make them think they're even more worthless and pointless.
It's against our natural instinct to do such a thing. People who have attempted, but survived, will often say how scary/hard it was to go through with it. It requires a dark dark place and I think it's far from selfish or cowardly. Some could say it's selfish to minimize their pain and suffering and think they should have stayed for us.
Someone simply being stressed out or sad doesn't cause them to pull the trigger. It's deeper than that. Depression is real, mental illness is real. He lost two children. I do wish he would have sought out help and I am sorry for your loss.
Have you lost two children to a horrible tragedy? Stressed, sad or depressed isn't even close to the anguish of losing not only one, but two children. He was in horrible emotional pain. Be thankful you've never felt that sort of thing and stop judging this poor man.
^^This^^
The despair is unimaginable.
Instead of judging him, it might be best to grieve for him. Anger, is of course, one stage of grief.
My heart goes out to his wife, the mother of the two children.
How she manages to go on I'll never know.
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