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Your post sounds like an "incel", blaming others for your misery. Definitely do NOT send angry texts to any of your acquaintances from college. It sounds to me as if what you're longing for is the freshman dorm camaraderie, or the frat house, where everyone is so early on their path that there's no sorting according to achievement - although they were sorted to some degree by the college admissions process - and everyone is eager to make new friends. But that ship has sailed. Most people, by age 27, have settled on a career path and are seriously dating someone, considering getting married. They're looking more ahead towards nuclear family than towards finding a group of bros. The cure for this at age 27 is to get out and do things with other people, by getting involved in activities that you enjoy, and by getting involved in service organizations where you do things for others, together with other people whom you might wind up becoming friends with. It's made all the more challenging by the pandemic, but hang on, the vaccine will have changed things in just a few months.
Are there any sports that you like to do? Skiers can join ski clubs, basketball players can find a pickup game at the gym, hikers can join hiking/outdoor clubs. You at all religiously inclined? Join the young singles group for your church - and if you're not religious, consider a Unitarian church that might have a young singles group. Can you sing? Join your local community theater. They are ALWAYS in need of men. You like to run? See if you can find some running buddies on meetup. You will have more success finding like-minded friends if you look for them in group activities that do the things that you like to do.
Incel? Are you kidding me? Where in my posts did I make any sexist remarks that are common to the incel community? I'm not trying to argue with you or anything, but I feel that the "incel" label has been thrown around way too loosely nowadays. I'm definitely not an "incel". Anyway, you mention how people are settling down and getting married at my age, and that's perfectly fine for them. I personally have zero interest in settling down anytime soon, if at all. I'd rather avoid unneeded stress than conform to some arbitrary expectations of society. I don't really want to hang around "settled-down, mature" types anyway.
I was doing martial arts for a while, but kind of fell out of it when I moved a couple years back. I mostly practice what I know on my own especially with the pandemic. Definitely not religious so that's probably not going to work. I was considering community theater, but I'm worried that I might be too old for that. I might check out some outdoor clubs. Activities are good and all, and I agree that it's the best way to meet people at this point, but, here's the thing. I would also like to have the kind of friendships where I can be myself around people. Like it doesn't feel awkward or clunky. Like I don't have to put up a "mature" facade in front of them. It's hard to explain, but that's the best I can put it. Perhaps people are more themselves while doing activities?
So I can let other people and society as a whole judge me and it's all fine and dandy. But when I judge them back, I'm suddenly the bad guy? I have been judged by the "mature, settled-down" crowd, for not conforming to their arbitrary standards. In my eyes, the only responsibility one has as an adult is to make a living and pay taxes. How one lives outside of work is their own business. I shouldn't be expected to "dress mature", get married, settle down, and move up the corporate ladder. I have no interest in any of that. Look, I'm fine with the "mature" types having their group. But I don't want to be apart of it. I would prefer a social life around people who like me for who I am, not for my occupation or how much money I make.
I would agree with the majority of comments. You are as old as you think you are. If you don't feel comfortable with your settled up friends you should try volunteering. That is the best way to find friends for life. You will meet a lot of diverse people that way. You will most definitely find someone that you share a common interest. Moreover, you should probably "put yourself on the dating market". That is also a good way of getting to know people.
Speaking of dating, that's another issue. I am interested in starting to date, but I do not want to get married or settle down.
So I can let other people and society as a whole judge me and it's all fine and dandy. But when I judge them back, I'm suddenly the bad guy? I have been judged by the "mature, settled-down" crowd, for not conforming to their arbitrary standards. In my eyes, the only responsibility one has as an adult is to make a living and pay taxes. How one lives outside of work is their own business. I shouldn't be expected to "dress mature", get married, settle down, and move up the corporate ladder. I have no interest in any of that. Look, I'm fine with the "mature" types having their group. But I don't want to be apart of it. I would prefer a social life around people who like me for who I am, not for my occupation or how much money I make.
As someone who made a major life pivot around your age I'm inclined to reply with some genuine feedback, but I'm afraid that you're too 'protected' with judgements and preconceived notions of how others live their lives. But more importantly, a lot of self-limiting thoughts on what is or is not available for you in your life moving forward. And probably an exaggerated sense of how much you're being judged.
When you have a repeated problem (not able to make friends) you need to sit down and have a good look at yourself and your actions. You have an ongoing problem, and only you can fix that.
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Whatever you do, don't start sending out those angry messages unless you really want to remain alone. The recipients didn't deliberately set out to make you unhappy. They say misery loves company but it is also true that people try to avoid and switch off Debbie Downers and Sulky Sams. All your spouting will accomplish is force others into something they don't really deserve. Everyone getting your rants will end up knowing how judgmental you can be. One one hand most people believe venting one's frustrations is helpful, but throwing your bitterness into people's faces is not venting. It is spiteful and a grand way to make your solitude worse.
Last edited by Parnassia; 12-29-2020 at 02:31 PM..
Community Theater includes people of all ages. You don't think all the parts are for young people, do you? I've known people in their 60s and 70s still acting. There are also behind the scene participants - building sets, costumes, etc.
As for having to put up a mature facade, there are plenty of immature 27 year olds. There's certainly no hurry to get married at your age. It would be a negative thing to do. Until you are happy with yourself it's better not to go down that road. I am not sure what you think immature people do, and I don't know why you can't still do it. Get a roommate and play video games? Deliver pizza for a living? Drink too much? It's all still available to you.
Whatever you do, don't start sending out those angry messages unless you really want to remain alone. The recipients didn't deliberately set out to make you unhappy. They say misery loves company but it is also true that people avoid Debbie Downers and Sulky Sams. All your spouting will accomplish is force others into something they don't really deserve. Everyone getting your rants will end up knowing how judgmental you can be. One one hand most people believe venting one's frustrations is helpful, but throwing your bitterness into people's faces is not venting. It is spiteful and a grand way to make your solitude worse.
I was really upset when I posted my initial response. I don't actually plan on sending those texts.
Your post sounds like an "incel", blaming others for your misery. Definitely do NOT send angry texts to any of your acquaintances from college. It sounds to me as if what you're longing for is the freshman dorm camaraderie, or the frat house, where everyone is so early on their path that there's no sorting according to achievement - although they were sorted to some degree by the college admissions process - and everyone is eager to make new friends. But that ship has sailed. Most people, by age 27, have settled on a career path and are seriously dating someone, considering getting married. They're looking more ahead towards nuclear family than towards finding a group of bros. The cure for this at age 27 is to get out and do things with other people, by getting involved in activities that you enjoy, and by getting involved in service organizations where you do things for others, together with other people whom you might wind up becoming friends with. It's made all the more challenging by the pandemic, but hang on, the vaccine will have changed things in just a few months.
Are there any sports that you like to do? Skiers can join ski clubs, basketball players can find a pickup game at the gym, hikers can join hiking/outdoor clubs. You at all religiously inclined? Join the young singles group for your church - and if you're not religious, consider a Unitarian church that might have a young singles group. Can you sing? Join your local community theater. They are ALWAYS in need of men. You like to run? See if you can find some running buddies on meetup. You will have more success finding like-minded friends if you look for them in group activities that do the things that you like to do.
Except that most people at 27 are not married. It’s 2020, and the median age of first marriage for men and women is now over 28 (30 for men). I had a lot more fun in my early jobs in my 20s than I did in college, with the “fun” period ending at 28. At the end, most of my friends were a couple of years younger than me, but it was only 3-4 years. I am in my early 40s now and still have a few of those friends from my 20s in my life.
In my area, there are singles meetups for people in their 20s and 30s. I imagine there are meetups like that in many other places... they tend to be activity oriented- hiking, running, etc.
I was really upset when I posted my initial response. I don't actually plan on sending those texts.
Good news! I’m just wondering what your idea of fun actually is? You can dress anyway you want and hang with people of any age you choose. What I read in your post is your frustration at not having found “your tribe.” But that problem happens at all ages when there is a life change. When we move. When we get into a relationship. When we split up. When we have cancer. When we become mommies. Etc. Etc. Etc. Every life change in circumstances often moves us to new definitions of “our tribe.”......the people who we enjoy being with based on what is fun or what matters now.
Sooo......figure out what means fun to you and let us know. We’ll try an put our heads together to help steer you towards finding the people to share life with at this time. Your post reflects a very basic need we all have; to share laughter and life with those we enjoy.
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