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All Mom had to do, is ask the OP if they were sexually active, which the OP says they were not. Mom was a nasty piece of work on a control trip, among other problems. If she'd only talked to the OP in a calm and caring manner (and had established trust with her daughter beginning in her preschool years...), she'd have found out there was nothing inappropriate going on. But no, Mom wasn't capable of that. She especially wasn't capable of understanding, that her overbearing nature played a significant role in her daughter's suicide attempt. That is so sad!
OP, your mom sounds like she's narcissistic. You're far from alone in having a mom who didn't communicate well with you, didn't believe in you, and who spread her own version of the truth about you to family members. Some people who had this type of parenting eventually get some counseling. It might be helpful to you to be able to get this off your chest with someone who has the skills to be a good, sympathetic listener, and also help you process all of this, so it eventually loses its emotional hold on you. That is definitely possible.
I get that you were dealt another blow, when you found out about what went on behind your back a few years ago, stirring up some strong emotions. One thing a good grief or trauma therapist will recommend, is that you write poison pen letters to your mom, pouring out all your anger and grief onto the pages. Write and write in a stream of consciousness way, until you have nothing left to write. Then DO NOT SEND the letter! You can create a little disposal ceremony, tearing it up and flushing the bits down the toilet, or my favorite--burning the letter in the sink. (a safe place for fire). I find flames to be purifying. This will help unburden you of those emotions. It really works!
Good luck. I'm sorry this came up again and intruded itself on your psyche, but at least now you know what happened. See if you can find a good, supportive therapist to help you work through this. Or maybe you might decide to go for a longer-term counseling commitment, as an opportunity to do some long overdue "mom" work. You're far from alone in having mom issues.
Best wishes! Happy Thanksgiving!
Wow, it's almost like you were there.
I had counseling for many years on and off after "the incident". It took me a long time to forgive, if not forget. It was for my own sake, not hers, that I moved on with my life and have no regrets. We are still not close and if it weren't for my sister, who insisted I give an inch, it would be decades since we last spoke. My sister had a terrible accident in July of 2019 and passed away this past summer. Now there is no reason for me to have anything to do with her. So, I don't.
In 2007, I madly fell in love with a girl at yoga class. For around 2 years or so, we would run in to each other and say hello but no time to talk. Yet for 12 years of my life, I would think about her every single day of my life!
Then 2019 came and I could not take it anymore. I searched the social media of people from the yoga place we first met (which was now closed) to see if I could find her. I found her but did NOT recognize for her six months.
She looked so different, older, jaded and a bit colder. You know what I realized?
I wasn't so much in love with her, but more in love with the moment. It was the moment revolving around meeting her that I fell in love with. I think about those moments still. Yet she posts regularly on Intagram but I don't really care. Its the moment in the past involving her that I am in love with.
After 12 years, this was my closure.
I wish you all the best, its tough thing to deal with. My thing was from 2007 to 2019. Yet it felt like a prison sentence because of not knowing what happened to her and how she turned out. Funny thing is, she lives close by. In 12 years, she never moved, neither did I. New insta posts from places I walked few days prior. Yet for some reason, we stopped running in to each other after two years of first meeting each other. Maybe we were meant for each other for the first two years but after that, it was not meant to be and so we never cross pathed again despite being very close.
Your post intrigues me because I guess I could have reached out to him somehow by sending a letter but my pride wouldn't let me. I was too hurt and couldn't have taken another rejection. Were you worried about being rejected if you asked her out or something? Funny how our feelings of attraction for a person set up so many defense mechanisms.
I'm glad you got your closure, good for you.
I also looked up my old flame and although he is living a life that would probably have stifled me, I still wish we could have at least pursued a relationship and had the experience of having it flame out anyway. We'll never know.
There are no regrets on my part, though, as I landed and continue to remain in a good place. I'm lucky.
Personally, I think it makes perfect sense. Something that was obviously important to the OP was dismissed by the Mother. The Mother who undoubtedly realized her daughter was getting too overly attached at too young of an age....but that won't be what is seen from the child's perspective. She was down enough to nearly take her own life.
So the realization for the OP is to possibly admit that, when you're at the taking your own life stage....it's very possible that perhaps the sense of what's happening wasn't at its best. Maybe there's room for entertaining that Mom was actually trying to protect, imperfectly, her little girl by ensuring this damaging communication ended and to not bring it up as a reminder.
As to telling people that it was for a boy, it was also the early 70's. Falling in love too much with a boy, as opposed to allowing some more sinister reason to take root....may have been an act of defending your honor in a time when mental illness wasn't really accepted.
I'm not saying it was that way....just maybe it was that way. Maybe you can just see the guy as well. Don't talk the past, just see what his life became. Does he have a family now. Is he happy. If so, maybe it worked out for the best.
A few weeks ago I attended a wedding. I saw a man I hadn't seen in a few decades. Our last meeting had been when I was kicking him out of the apartment. He wasn't bad, but he was annoying. The others couldn't stand him. I was the middle guy. I felt bad at the time. My acknowledgement and his forgiveness was quick...and he wanted to know how it ended with the others and they had ended badly. We fell back into quick conversation and I did feel better. By the end of the night I also recalled vividly that he was rather annoying....and that somehow made me feel better as well.
Sometimes we just have to relook at things with today's eyes and get a refresh of old memories. It's ok to do. It only takes a cup of coffee.
When I was sixteen, I fell madly in love with an 18-year old guy whose family was moving far away due to his dad's job. We wrote faithfully to each other and got together when possible, over a six-month period.
My mother was against all of this and did her best to break us up. It got so bad for me at home that I took an overdose of her sleeping pills to get away from her. I woke up in the hospital, recovered, and never heard from my dear friend again. I assumed he thought I was a bad person and wanted nothing to do with me. I never really got over it.
My old friend who introduced us surfaced on Facebook and we reconnected about ten years ago. I finally got the courage to ask her about what happened. My mother called this boy and accused him of being the reason for my suicide attempt. His mother was furious with mine. My old friend was also in love with this boy and admitted she was very jealous. It kind of explains why she didn't attempt to help me figure out what happened at the time. She spent the day with my mother while I was still unconscious in the hospital. Toxic mother accused the boy of some strange things including leaving semen on our couch (NO WAY - WE NEVER GOT THAT CLOSE PHYSICALLY). I had no idea this happened.
I came home from the hospital and no one talked about it. It was the elephant in the room. I never heard from the boy again, didn't hear much from my old friend and my mother acted like a real martyr, telling anyone who was curious that "she did it over a boy". She enjoyed being a tragic figure and still does.
The after effects only came to light recently. I still have feelings of anger, loss and sorrow about what happened and some embarrassment over my idiot mother's behavior.
She has always been toxic and still is. More on her later if anyone wants to know. It's probably silly to have such sad feelings about something that happened in 1971 but I never really got closure.
I understand why this bothers you. You've had an old, never fully healed wound reopened, and that's jarring. Two wounds really; the wound left by the sudden end to your relationship with the boy and the ongoing wound (s) caused by your mother. A few people have addressed the issue of closure rather skeptically. I agree that closure when defined as an apology or someone taking full and sincere responsibility for a wrong they committed seldom happens. There's another aspect to closure though, and that's understanding what happened. You were denied that until recently. You were denied that at the time it might have been most useful.
At this point, though, there's not much point in hanging onto that wrong. It will only hurt you. Letting go doesn't often happen all at once. It usually starts with catching yourself dwelling on the topic and finding something else to do or think about. Over time the topic comes to mind less often and it becomes easier to shift your focus away.
I don't believe we ever really forget significant hurts, though. We lighten them so they're easier to carry with us.
When I was sixteen, I fell madly in love with an 18-year old guy whose family was moving far away due to his dad's job. We wrote faithfully to each other and got together when possible, over a six-month period.
My mother was against all of this and did her best to break us up. It got so bad for me at home that I took an overdose of her sleeping pills to get away from her. I woke up in the hospital, recovered, and never heard from my dear friend again. I assumed he thought I was a bad person and wanted nothing to do with me. I never really got over it.
My old friend who introduced us surfaced on Facebook and we reconnected about ten years ago. I finally got the courage to ask her about what happened. My mother called this boy and accused him of being the reason for my suicide attempt. His mother was furious with mine. My old friend was also in love with this boy and admitted she was very jealous. It kind of explains why she didn't attempt to help me figure out what happened at the time. She spent the day with my mother while I was still unconscious in the hospital. Toxic mother accused the boy of some strange things including leaving semen on our couch (NO WAY - WE NEVER GOT THAT CLOSE PHYSICALLY). I had no idea this happened.
I came home from the hospital and no one talked about it. It was the elephant in the room. I never heard from the boy again, didn't hear much from my old friend and my mother acted like a real martyr, telling anyone who was curious that "she did it over a boy". She enjoyed being a tragic figure and still does.
The after effects only came to light recently. I still have feelings of anger, loss and sorrow about what happened and some embarrassment over my idiot mother's behavior.
She has always been toxic and still is. More on her later if anyone wants to know. It's probably silly to have such sad feelings about something that happened in 1971 but I never really got closure.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExNooYawk2
Yes, yes and yes. You are correct on all counts. A couple of years before meeting this boy, I was hospitalized on several occasions for "nervous stomach". I tend to internalize but it has to come out somewhere and for me it was painful muscle spasms and other unpleasant problems. Nerves. Home life bad. Father alcoholic. Mother nuts. Divorce and poverty.
Along came this boy who was very much in love with me. ME, ugly old me. And she ruined it. I didn't find out exactly how until a couple of months ago so, yes, the wounds were somewhat reopened.
As it stands, I felt better after telling my old friend my side of things so in a way that's closure...
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExNooYawk2
...I had counseling for many years on and off after "the incident". It took me a long time to forgive, if not forget. It was for my own sake, not hers, that I moved on with my life and have no regrets. We are still not close and if it weren't for my sister, who insisted I give an inch, it would be decades since we last spoke. My sister had a terrible accident in July of 2019 and passed away this past summer. Now there is no reason for me to have anything to do with her. So, I don't.
ExNooYawk2, it sounds like you have the typical narc(issistic), vicious, & probably even jealous mother who likes being in control of everything in your life because she never wanted you to be happy w/ the guy nor ever &yes, there are some mothers who are jealous of their own daughters because the daughters are still young & pretty/prettier thatn they were & the (the mothers) no longer are, even though the mothers were young once too, so it's ridiculous thinking.
Even before I got to the part you said about how she called thee guy up & blamed him for your suidicide attempt, I knew she was going to contact him somehow, blame him, & tell him to never contact you ever again.
Your, "old friend" was never to be trusted & I surely hope since you've reconnected 10 yrs ago that you don't trust her NOW. Maybe she's fine for on-the-surface, minor, worthless chatter via phone, but I'd never trust her. I'm sure conspired w/ your mom back then to help her, "get this no-good guy who caused this turmoil of your suicide attempt" out of your life & she probably dated him back then since she always liked him too.
I'm sure you feel freer since going no-contact w/ your mom this past summer. I've written some posts & threads about my fiance's entire immediate narc fam (both parents & 3 siblings) & he's gone no-contact w/ them all & isn't missing out on a thing! For all you know, your sister who wanted you to stay in contact w/ your mother was the golden child in the family, so she's goig to stay on mother's good side to do as she says/wants...staying in her good graces.
When I was sixteen, I fell madly in love with an 18-year old guy whose family was moving far away due to his dad's job. We wrote faithfully to each other and got together when possible, over a six-month period.
My mother was against all of this and did her best to break us up. It got so bad for me at home that I took an overdose of her sleeping pills to get away from her. I woke up in the hospital, recovered, and never heard from my dear friend again. I assumed he thought I was a bad person and wanted nothing to do with me. I never really got over it.
My old friend who introduced us surfaced on Facebook and we reconnected about ten years ago. I finally got the courage to ask her about what happened. My mother called this boy and accused him of being the reason for my suicide attempt. His mother was furious with mine. My old friend was also in love with this boy and admitted she was very jealous. It kind of explains why she didn't attempt to help me figure out what happened at the time. She spent the day with my mother while I was still unconscious in the hospital. Toxic mother accused the boy of some strange things including leaving semen on our couch (NO WAY - WE NEVER GOT THAT CLOSE PHYSICALLY). I had no idea this happened.
I came home from the hospital and no one talked about it. It was the elephant in the room. I never heard from the boy again, didn't hear much from my old friend and my mother acted like a real martyr, telling anyone who was curious that "she did it over a boy". She enjoyed being a tragic figure and still does.
The after effects only came to light recently. I still have feelings of anger, loss and sorrow about what happened and some embarrassment over my idiot mother's behavior.
She has always been toxic and still is. More on her later if anyone wants to know. It's probably silly to have such sad feelings about something that happened in 1971 but I never really got closure.
Prayer can handle that for you. Sometimes when things are so real and hurting so bad and there is no other way to let go, just give it to God and he will relieve you of this burden. HE will take on the pain for you, and allow you to heal. Just say "Lord, you know my troubles and I need you to take this from me." HE will and you will let go.
This is why I posted the link i did in a previous post.
The problem I see is too many like to commiserate and join the drama rather than helping to END it!
Yes, we do often get some kind of emotional payoff for being a victim/martyr. And if we let go of that, we have to find a new identity. It takes some effort, but it's a much happier and healthier place to be. I'm not sure if that's what's going on in the OP's case, but it could be part of it.
Your responses have given me much to think about. Forever Blue, we could be related, lol.
It's hard to explain a person like my mother who has always put herself ahead of everyone. When she and my father divorced, our income was drastically reduced. Her response was to take each and every dime of babysitting, paper route, bus boy, etc. money from all of us kids. She signed our names on student loan checks and cashed them leaving my siblings with big bills to pay (I had moved out by then, in with a friend). She loaded up as many credit cards as she could and never paid anything back. She charged from every store in town, ditto. Sometimes we kids would get accosted shop owners wanting to know when she was going to pay her bill. They came to our house too but she wouldn't answer the door. We had "the signal" to use if we had to call home, which was one ring, hang up then call again and she'd know it wasn't a bill collector. Once I was in the nurse's office with a fever and sick with my nervous stomach thing but too embarrassed to tell her why my mother didn't answer the phone. Eventually I told her. My mother got a neighbor to pick me up.
Life with this woman has been very trying for all of us. I could relate more stories along the same lines. She was too sick, tired and had too many problems to work and earn money, according to her. The irony is she'll be 93, fairly healthy and the only one of her friends and family to have survived. She took very good care of herself and still does.
Anyway, I've come to terms with her and her foibles long ago. It was having the back story of what happened on that awful day long ago that opened the wound somewhat. Things are good and I have been VERY blessed.
Your responses have given me much to think about. Forever Blue, we could be related, lol.
It's hard to explain a person like my mother who has always put herself ahead of everyone. When she and my father divorced, our income was drastically reduced. Her response was to take each and every dime of babysitting, paper route, bus boy, etc. money from all of us kids. She signed our names on student loan checks and cashed them leaving my siblings with big bills to pay (I had moved out by then, in with a friend). She loaded up as many credit cards as she could and never paid anything back. She charged from every store in town, ditto. Sometimes we kids would get accosted shop owners wanting to know when she was going to pay her bill. They came to our house too but she wouldn't answer the door. We had "the signal" to use if we had to call home, which was one ring, hang up then call again and she'd know it wasn't a bill collector. Once I was in the nurse's office with a fever and sick with my nervous stomach thing but too embarrassed to tell her why my mother didn't answer the phone. Eventually I told her. My mother got a neighbor to pick me up.
Life with this woman has been very trying for all of us. I could relate more stories along the same lines. She was too sick, tired and had too many problems to work and earn money, according to her. The irony is she'll be 93, fairly healthy and the only one of her friends and family to have survived. She took very good care of herself and still does.
Anyway, I've come to terms with her and her foibles long ago. It was having the back story of what happened on that awful day long ago that opened the wound somewhat. Things are good and I have been VERY blessed.
Yep, I'm not surprised by any of your mom's actions. She more than likely is a narc...bleeding everyone around her bone dry, getting everything she can out of everything & everyone to the fullest until there's nothing left, but never taking any blame for any of it & not feeling any guit for any of her actions.
Certain people, espcially narcs don't deserve to be parents because they don't have any of the qualities it takes to be a genuinely good parent & she's one of them. Narcs are the type of people who don't need to have children, but it seems they often still have them so they'll always have people to have control over, serve them so to speak, take advantage of, etc., similarly to how a man has a harem in certain cultures.
Once one realizes that a family member (or anyone else in their life) is a narc, the best thing to do is stay far away from that person.
I hope you're a lot more content nowadays!
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