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Yes! I am free! I am going the way of your fiance'. No more contact with her. No more voice on the phone. She's on her own.
She IS an evil but(h and I do not need her toxic crap. I am very appreciative to you, and all who were supportive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal
I'm kinda loving this post. It's so true. It never had anything to do with your gifts and everything to do with her asserting power over you.
"When people let you who they are, believe them" was really made for your situation!
Yes, thanks & you're very welcome! Narcs & others just as toxic are literally wastes of space & the sooner people realize, they sooner they can get far away from them (hopefully permanently), otherwise, the narcs/other toxic will bleed you dry of your mental state, contentment, etc. if you're a mentally weak person or a YES-type person, etc. Arguing w/ them doesn't do much good, unless you want to argue w/ them 24/7 because they'll never see reason, never admit they're to blame, never see YOUR perspective, etc. They truly only have all negative characteristics.
My fiance' & I wish they taught about narcissism in high school pscyhology class. I know I personally took psych as an elective in HS, but I don't believe whatsoever that they touched on narcissism. Just the very basic psych 101 type info, such as the id, ego, & superego type stuff. Fortunately, my undergrad degree's in Behavioral Sciences. My grad degrees are in something else, but I can & have studied narcissism on my own.
Yes, thanks & you're very welcome! Narcs & others just as toxic are literally wastes of space & the sooner people realize, they sooner they can get far away from them (hopefully permanently), otherwise, the narcs/other toxic will bleed you dry of your mental state, contentment, etc. if you're a mentally weak person or a YES-type person, etc. Arguing w/ them doesn't do much good, unless you want to argue w/ them 24/7 because they'll never see reason, never admit they're to blame, never see YOUR perspective, etc. They truly only have all negative characteristics.
My fiance' & I wish they taught about narcissism in high school pscyhology class. I know I personally took psych as an elective in HS, but I don't believe whatsoever that they touched on narcissism. Just the very basic psych 101 type info, such as the id, ego, & superego type stuff. Fortunately, my undergrad degree's in Behavioral Sciences. My grad degrees are in something else, but I can & have studied narcissism on my own.
Are they still only teaching that junk in Psych 101? Extremely useless and I don't even recall the differences anymore - those were old, male, dead people theoretical models - based everything on Freud's ideas about "reality."
On the other hand, narcissism has become the basic toxic layperson diagnoses of others. It also is a social construct (meaning, someone's idea of reality).
There are definitely toxic people out there that you want to avoid, but I don't buy into declaring everyone as a narcissist. We all have narcissistic traits - some are purely traits of survival.
I have a sister who is 16 months younger than I am. I hardly remember her as a "baby" at all. She was just this person who my parents brought home after my mother gave birth.
When she came home, I was interested in her, however, I had ZERO maternal feelings. I still bo not. I was a baby when she was a baby. We were babies together.
I never really felt protective of her, as a mother was. She was a sibling who was born when I myself was still a baby. Why would I feel maternal towards her? I do not.
We did not speak for a while because she can be critical and abrasive. We lost touch for about 5 years. Now, we are in contact.
It is hard to have a normal conversation with Liz. She calls our parents "Mommy and Daddy".I stopped using those terms when I was ten. I think it is strange. In the North East, where we are from, it is NOT the norm for anyone over nine or ten to reference their parents as "mommy and daddy". It's just weird, and childish.
So my sister is an executive at a major makeup and beauty store. Sephora in Manhattan, NY. She gets many samples, products and other merch from Sephora. She decided to begin to send me things about two years ago. Mainly she would send me Sephora products. Actually, I can not think of many gifts that were not from her store.
The is a manager of the fragrance portion of Sephora, and sends me, my husband and kids fragrances. LOTS of FRAGRANCES. More than I can use in 20 years. I never, ever tell her what to give me. I don't write Christmas Lists. That is for children and parents, not sisters. Also, not all of her cosmetic gifts are hits. I am not a big perfume person. I like light fragrances and that's it.
My husband wears a particular fragrance and is stuck on it.I have told her that. My son really doesn't wear fragrances. His girl friend doesn't like them. Yet, she persists i sending him fragrances as gifts.
She is cheap. So she loves to give things that are either free for her or discounted.
She also buys clothes at discount places. My personal feeling is that if you are shopping for presents for others, they should be things that the recipient likes. Not the giver.
Honestly, I like about half of what she sends me. I am not much of a perfume person.
I have NEVER EVER told her that I do not like certain things. I just say thankyou.
When I reciprocate, she is not so kind. She is not at all shy about telling me that she doesn't like or use presents that I have sent her.
She requested that I only send her Whole Foods gift certificates.
I did that once. Then I felt used, I have never told her what I wanted as a gift. I have never requested any particular gift or product.
I started to think about it and became upset. I do not tell her what I want. She isn't Santa Clause. Neither am I.
So, I finally told her that I was not giving any food gift cards. After all, I do not request anything specific from her. I said that for Christmas I would give her a gift box. I do not want "orders" for specific items. Again, I have never done that with her - or with anyone else.
She freaked out and told me that I was being mean. And more.
Am I wrong? Should I just give her what she wants? I feel that her request was demanding and slightly abusive.
I am sending her Christmas gifts, but I am not Santa Clause. I am also not her parent.
My sister is very obsessed with her "cuteness" and wants everyone, to treat her like a child. I am just not into it.
Any advice?
The only problem I see is that she should send the fragrances "early" that way you can regift them and save a ton of money!!!
Are they still only teaching that junk in Psych 101? Extremely useless and I don't even recall the differences anymore - those were old, male, dead people theoretical models - based everything on Freud's ideas about "reality."
On the other hand, narcissism has become the basic toxic layperson diagnoses of others. It also is a social construct (meaning, someone's idea of reality).
There are definitely toxic people out there that you want to avoid, but I don't buy into declaring everyone as a narcissist. We all have narcissistic traits - some are purely traits of survival.
Are they still teaching that Psych 101 junk nowadays in HS or undergrad college? I personally have no idea, but probably so.
And re: declaring that many people are narcs these days, it seems like that because I honestly think it's true. More people are narcs these days & we see that from social medis stuff, etc. Someone started a thread about the very topic here:
My wife loves more than anything to shop for others and give them thoughtful gifts.
But all the people in our extended families are really weird around gifts.
My daughter usually does not acknowledge, or only belatedly and weakly acknowledges, a gift, much less says "thank you".
My wife's siblings are similar. One time my wife was accidentally cc'd on an email from her sister in law to her brother griping about the gifts she got from my wife that she doesn't want and maybe she will re-gift them to Dad or something.
Mind you these are small, thoughtful gifts, not expensive such that these other folks, who are lower income than us, will feel like they have to match and can't. The real problem, I think, is that gifting is sort of a skill and if you lack that skill it's a burden to you.
My wife has what I think is a wise overarching principle in these situations: match the "energy" of the other person in the relationship. In this case, if they don't acknowledge or appreciate gifts, don't waste your life force on selecting, obtaining, wrapping and sending them, for heaven't sake.
It was a loss to her to do this. She loved plotting and planning small gifts throughout the year, and really expected nothing in return other than a simple socially-acceptable "thank you". They simply could not appreciate that this was an expression of love and caring. Their loss.
In fairness to the recipients, they weren't demanding gifts and didn't get upset when my wife quit sending them. They were indifferent. Maybe the hardest thing for my wife to accept is that they just don't give a fig.
In time my wife and my daughter found other ways to be close, ways they were both comfortable with. My wife's siblings continue to be fair-weather friends, they will take a call or respond to an email when they feel like it, and otherwise ignore her. Now that this is the expectation, it works out well enough. My wife is going out to the Left Coast where they all live to see her Dad hopefully if we can catch a break between plague waves, and she will let them know she'll be at Dad's and we'd love to have them join us if they wish. They won't come, and we won't bother to spend the extra days to go to them either. Last time we did that they didn't remotely act like they were enjoying the visit, so we won't impose again.
Sometimes you just have to believe what people are telling you. In my wife's sibling's case, "I don't care about you". In the OP's case, "I'm an entitled princess who wants specific things from you and wants to give you stuff without putting any thought or effort into selecting something appropriate and meaningful." And you just respond accordingly.
My wife loves more than anything to shop for others and give them thoughtful gifts.
But all the people in our extended families are really weird around gifts.
My daughter usually does not acknowledge, or only belatedly and weakly acknowledges, a gift, much less says "thank you".
My wife's siblings are similar. One time my wife was accidentally cc'd on an email from her sister in law to her brother griping about the gifts she got from my wife that she doesn't want and maybe she will re-gift them to Dad or something.
Mind you these are small, thoughtful gifts, not expensive such that these other folks, who are lower income than us, will feel like they have to match and can't. The real problem, I think, is that gifting is sort of a skill and if you lack that skill it's a burden to you.
My wife has what I think is a wise overarching principle in these situations: match the "energy" of the other person in the relationship. In this case, if they don't acknowledge or appreciate gifts, don't waste your life force on selecting, obtaining, wrapping and sending them, for heaven't sake.
It was a loss to her to do this. She loved plotting and planning small gifts throughout the year, and really expected nothing in return other than a simple socially-acceptable "thank you". They simply could not appreciate that this was an expression of love and caring. Their loss.
In fairness to the recipients, they weren't demanding gifts and didn't get upset when my wife quit sending them. They were indifferent. Maybe the hardest thing for my wife to accept is that they just don't give a fig.
In time my wife and my daughter found other ways to be close, ways they were both comfortable with. My wife's siblings continue to be fair-weather friends, they will take a call or respond to an email when they feel like it, and otherwise ignore her. Now that this is the expectation, it works out well enough. My wife is going out to the Left Coast where they all live to see her Dad hopefully if we can catch a break between plague waves, and she will let them know she'll be at Dad's and we'd love to have them join us if they wish. They won't come, and we won't bother to spend the extra days to go to them either. Last time we did that they didn't remotely act like they were enjoying the visit, so we won't impose again.
Sometimes you just have to believe what people are telling you. In my wife's sibling's case, "I don't care about you". In the OP's case, "I'm an entitled princess who wants specific things from you and wants to give you stuff without putting any thought or effort into selecting something appropriate and meaningful." And you just respond accordingly.
This is a really smart, practical response. It takes effort to really see people for who they are, and not who you want them to be - and to be able to face up to the slights and insults and adjust your behavior accordingly.
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Narcs & others just as toxic are literally wastes of space & the sooner people realize, they sooner they can get far away from them (hopefully permanently), otherwise, the narcs/other toxic will bleed you dry of your mental state, contentment, etc. if you're a mentally weak person or a YES-type person, etc. Arguing w/ them doesn't do much good, unless you want to argue w/ them 24/7 because they'll never see reason, never admit they're to blame, never see YOUR perspective, etc. They truly only have all negative characteristics. 
