I Better Ask My Wife First! (men, woman, husband, generation)

[Katnan]

Originally Posted by james112

Agree 100 percent. Both sides need to check-in with the other when they want to schedule personal plans. It's not about permission. Typically both partners expect the other to be around except when not working, or have known plans.

Originally Posted by shawnhc

All of these decisions - house color, relocation... - sound like joint decisions. I would be just as likely to say "let me speak with my husband first."

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

Lets just all be competent adults and get things done and communicate effectively! Yay!

(I mean like, the real decisions and such in the relationship...I want those to be mutually managed with both of us having equal real standing.

These are the reality of a healthy relationship, that you communicate with your spouse, care what they think and that how each of your thoughts and of your choices impacts the other.

Some examples here show one spouse is being impulsive and the other is not. It then appears that one spouse is calling the shots, when it's a matter of being responsible adults who have obligations that extend past the fleeting whims of one person.

In the OP's first example, husband and wife live in a state, surrounded by family and friends, and somehow the wife is controlling because she put her foot down on uprooting the family and moving to a mountainous state because hubby "loves the mountains". If it was practical, doable and both spouses were on board, it would happen. The husband isn't happy, but was he thinking of anything but himself when he wanted to move to the mountains? That's the reality of having a spouse (and children), you need to think of the bigger picture. If you can't do that, why are you married?

[elyn02]

There is no need to be puzzled by somebody saying they need to ask their wife first. It is pretty clear that person is not at your disposal. Go ahead with your plans and don't wait for perfect marriages.

[pikabike]

Originally Posted by tnff

That is what should happen -- make the decision as a couple. Doesn't mean that's what happens. Often the decision will be "made" by one partner who simply refuses to discuss the subject.



Exactly. The person who cares the most gives in.

Oh, yeah, been there multiple times, when DH would not even discuss the matter. It’s been a long effort to move away from that severely outdated and detrimental way of settling disagreements. “Father knows best” at its worst. Or the same as “Because I said so.” A hangover from the Greatest Generation. When one partner makes more money than the other, the power balance skews in that direction.

[pikabike]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

Apparently that's true in your circles, but believe it or not, most guys don't have motorcycles, guns, or boats, so they're not at risk of losing their wives. My cousin's with a guy who has a motorcycle. They've agreed to take separate vacations (in addition to taking one together): he does a motorcycle road trip, while she goes on a photography excursion in their car. No need to control anybody.

And did you ever think, that maybe the issue with the boat or car was, that they couldn't afford it? Some guy goes out and impulse-buys an expensive car or boat, then can't understand why his wife pitches a fit. Well, there's this thing called a household budget or family budget. His impulse purchase may have cost one of the kids their college education, but that didn't cross his mind at the time. Fortunately, most men have better sense and better impulse control than that.

There’s another possible reason for a spouse being angry about the other’s large purchases. Sneakiness.

We knew a couple who, from what we saw, engaged in constant power struggles. At first I thought the wife was a bit of a b...well, you know. Later on, I realized that he was at least as much of a “difficult person.”

She was the main income earner and often traveled for business. During her absences, he would indulge in buying things that she didn’t know he was going to buy. She even said over dinner one night, “Every time I go away, I come back to find he’s bought something else.” We’re not talking buying a DVD, folks, but bigger expenses.

So I pretty much flipped my views on who was causing most of the trouble. They were not fun to be around either way.

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by pikabike

“Father knows best” at its worst. Or the same as “Because I said so.” A hangover from the Greatest Generation. When one partner makes more money than the other, the power balance skews in that direction.

But there are lots of marriages in 2021 where one makes a lot more money than the other. It doesn’t mean it pushes the couple all the way back to old generations way of thinking. There is a super big difference between making less money than your husband ….like I do….AND making no money, like a lot of women in the old days. It doesn’t play a part in decisions except common sense….like our priority on where we live has to be workable for his career ofc.

[pikabike]

Originally Posted by TashaPosh

But there are lots of marriages in 2021 where one makes a lot more money than the other. It doesn’t mean it pushes the couple all the way back to old generations way of thinking. There is a super big difference between making less money than your husband ….like I do….AND making no money, like a lot of women in the old days. It doesn’t play a part in decisions except common sense….like our priority on where we live has to be workable for his career ofc.

I didn’t say all marriages followed this pattern. Nor did I say it had to involve only a nonworking spouse and a working one. The word I used was balance. The seesaw can still be tilted with both ends more than zero.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by TashaPosh

This^^ kind of stuff is totally why I wanted a manly man…not a boy. I would never want to be a dominant woman.

I am a dominant personality, married to a dominant personality.

I like strong men, he likes strong women. It works for us.

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

I am a dominant personality, married to a dominant personality.

I like strong men, he likes strong women. It works for us.

I wasn’t talking about dominant personalities or what ppl like…..just that IMO there is no “boss” or “person in charge” in a healthy marriage, even when some ppl think of themselves as dominant or submissive in parts of the relationship. I may be submissive @ times….but that doesn’t mean I’m not an emotionally strong woman or just as important in any decisions my husband & I make together as a couple.

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

I kinda think that "Wife is the Boss" stuff CAN be code for "She has to be an adult all the time so that I can be a perpetual child if I want."

This is what I was talking about Mikala.^^ A “wife boss” is more like a parent child relationship IMO. I would want no part of that. Nobody is the “boss” in a healthy marriage IMO.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by TashaPosh

I wasn’t talking about dominant personalities or what ppl like…..just that IMO there is no “boss” or “person in charge” in a healthy marriage, even when some ppl think of themselves as dominant or submissive in parts of the relationship. I may be submissive @ times….but that doesn’t mean I’m not an emotionally strong woman or just as important in any decisions my husband & I make together as a couple.







This is what I was talking about Mikala.^^ A “wife boss” is more like a parent child relationship IMO. I would want no part of that. Nobody is the “boss” in a healthy marriage IMO.

So would a "husband boss". We are the "boss" of different areas. Some stuff just falls naturally into my job and his job.


My whole point is that the OPs assumptions are wrong. Just because someone says "I have to ask my spouse" doesn't mean they have to ask the "boss", it is just a common courtesy. I went on a road trip with my sister, I asked my husband first, etc. I find most of the couples I know do the same.

[Katnan]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

So would a "husband boss". We are the "boss" of different areas. Some stuff just falls naturally into my job and his job.


My whole point is that the OPs assumptions are wrong. Just because someone says "I have to ask my spouse" doesn't mean they have to ask the "boss", it is just a common courtesy. I went on a road trip with my sister, I asked my husband first, etc. I find most of the couples I know do the same.

My husband texted just a moment ago to let me know he's stopping by his parents house on the way home from work. Didn't ask me if it was okay, but simply letting me know he wouldn't be home at his usual time. We rarely have plans on a weeknight so he wasn't needing to check if we were already busy, but extending basic courtesy so I'm not left wondering if something happened to him on the way home.