Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
it appears, that in the Muslim Middle East, the man makes all the decisions, but I've long suspected, over there, you also hear it: I better ask my wife first!
Ingenius women over there have their ways. One way, be such a good cook, he falls to his knees to keep her happy. And when revengeful, she cooks a bad meal.
And another way, is in the bedroom!
Gay relationships/marriages aren't much different! Relationships are relationships, marriages are marriages.
it appears, that in the Muslim Middle East, the man makes all the decisions, but I've long suspected, over there, you also hear it: I better ask my wife first!
Ingenius women over there have their ways. One way, be such a good cook, he falls to his knees to keep her happy. And when revengeful, she cooks a bad meal.
And another way, is in the bedroom!
Gay relationships/marriages aren't much different! Relationships are relationships, marriages are marriages.
Marriage is a covered dish.
That reminds me of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, where the wife used her ingenuity/wiles to get her husband to agree to let the daughter take college classes. She tells the daughter something like “the man may be the head of the family but the woman is the neck, and can turn the head”
She does the same to get him to think it was his own idea to let the daughter work at the aunt’s travel agency instead of the family diner. She presented it as a problem and let him think he solved it by saying Tula should work at the travel agency, then she praised him for solving the problem. If they had just suggested it outright he’d never have agreed to it.
If your dad REALLY didn't want children, he could have done something about that...permanently.
SNIP-SNIP
Lol ... two was enough for me, so snip-snip. I wish my daughter would have listened to me in that regard. She has 5, ranging from 1 to 19. I do not listen to her complaints of always being tired and besieged. Personal problem.
Oh, yeah, been there multiple times, when DH would not even discuss the matter. It’s been a long effort to move away from that severely outdated and detrimental way of settling disagreements. “Father knows best” at its worst. Or the same as “Because I said so.” A hangover from the Greatest Generation. When one partner makes more money than the other, the power balance skews in that direction.
Y'know, I think the premise of the old TV show Father Knows Best was that daddy was kind of dumb and mom had to do all the adulting, while pretending he was the boss. Just sayin'.
When my wife and I met, I had a four manual digital replica of a Wurlitzer theater pipe organ in my house with 16 channels of audio. I loved playing that thing. She was nice enough about it, but couldn't stand it. Too loud, wrong kind of music, etc. I made the decision that I didn't love the organ enough for it to be a bone of annoyance and, eventually, contention between us. I miss that thing and think about it more often than a lot of other things I've lost in life. ......
I don't even think she realizes what that cost me, TBH, but I don't care, I love her enough that it's worth it. .......
Finally, I remind myself how many things she gave up to be with me. She gave up her attraction to Bad Boys, which is actually a big plus, but was actually a harder decision for her than me giving up my hobby, for example. She has traded the thrill and danger for stability and constancy. Sometimes she probably wonders if that was a good trade off, because I am a seriously boring person by comparison to her late husband who was colorful and active compared to me, but also beat her up now and again, and refused to compromise on basically anything at all, and had addiction issues.
Your trades were no where near anologous.
She was attracted to you and wanted you. So she didn't "give up" bad boys for you. She met you and didn't want a bad boy anymore. If you want to say she "traded the thrill and danger for stability and constancy," OK. But she made the trade it wasn't forced on her.
Where as you wanted the organ. You gave up something you loved and really wanted....and didn't even tell her how much it pained you. You made the trade alright. But after she complained about it. And -- I don't know -- apparently voiced her opinion about enough that you thought it would annoy her to the point that she might annoy you about it enough that you reluctantly, begrudgingly gave it up. (You, yourself, said it cost you a lot emotionally.)
A voluntary decision vs a twisted arm. No where near comparable situations.
--------------
I'm female. Never married. Whether it's friends' relationships or co-workers, or just people I notice....I do tend to notice when husbands seem to just be "whipped."
I would ask a co-worker to work my shift, say in three weeks. He'd say "let me check with my wife. She might have something she wants to do, or something planned for that day."
I wanted to say 1) if she hasn't mentioned it then she doesn't...and IF she was already planning something she should have mentioned it. And just like she hasn't said anything yet...why can't you just let her know you're planning to work OT that day? And if she says I was planning to do this or that, you could say well then you should have said you might have in mind.
Clearly what she wanted to do took priority. Maybe I just tend to notice when it seems like the men do a lot more consulting to see what the other one wants, than the other way around.
At one job I saw a lot of families in public places and situations. I sure saw the wives talking harshly and yelling at husbands a lot more than husbands being bossy with the wives. The wife would bark an order, and he'd sheepishly just take it and do what she said. How do they put up with being talked to with such disrespect. I could just imagine living with a shrew.
Your trades were no where near anologous.
She was attracted to you and wanted you. So she didn't "give up" bad boys for you. She met you and didn't want a bad boy anymore. If you want to say she "traded the thrill and danger for stability and constancy," OK. But she made the trade it wasn't forced on her.
Where as you wanted the organ. You gave up something you loved and really wanted....and didn't even tell her how much it pained you. You made the trade alright. But after she complained about it. And -- I don't know -- apparently voiced her opinion about enough that you thought it would annoy her to the point that she might annoy you about it enough that you reluctantly, begrudgingly gave it up. (You, yourself, said it cost you a lot emotionally.)
A voluntary decision vs a twisted arm. No where near comparable situations.
--------------
I'm female. Never married. Whether it's friends' relationships or co-workers, or just people I notice....I do tend to notice when husbands seem to just be "whipped."
I would ask a co-worker to work my shift, say in three weeks. He'd say "let me check with my wife. She might have something she wants to do, or something planned for that day."
I wanted to say 1) if she hasn't mentioned it then she doesn't...and IF she was already planning something she should have mentioned it. And just like she hasn't said anything yet...why can't you just let her know you're planning to work OT that day? And if she says I was planning to do this or that, you could say well then you should have said you might have in mind.
Clearly what she wanted to do took priority. Maybe I just tend to notice when it seems like the men do a lot more consulting to see what the other one wants, than the other way around.
At one job I saw a lot of families in public places and situations. I sure saw the wives talking harshly and yelling at husbands a lot more than husbands being bossy with the wives. The wife would bark an order, and he'd sheepishly just take it and do what she said. How do they put up with being talked to with such disrespect. I could just imagine living with a shrew.
See I think that could be him just trying to buy time if he really doesn’t want to work your shift or wants time to think about it. “Let me talk to my wife” allows him to not have to commit in the spot but decide later if he wants to or not.
But it also might be courtesy. With mine, he forgets things we have scheduled. If he committed to working your shift it might turn out to be “that’s the day the guy from the water treatment company is coming, you said you’d be here to meet him”. And he’d say “oh yeah, I forgot about that”. Same thing if he has a doctors appointment or something, he forgets (ADD plus too much drinking when he was younger). I keep track of all that, even putting it in his calendar isn’t enough.
There were several times early on where he’d make plans with me (once to have Christmas dinner with my family) then I’d remind him a week before and he’d say “oh, I forget, and I made plans to see my daughter that day”. Or he’d make plans to have a bunch of people (family) over on a Friday night, forgetting that I have to get up at 5am because I’m working that Saturday. So it took several arguments before he would start to check with me first. Again it’s courtesy.
When he’d then tell the person “I already had plans with ocnjgirl that I forgot about so I can’t make it” I’m quite sure it looked to them like I was dictating his life and that my priorities come first but it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with “you already made a commitment for that day”. But like the way you interpret your coworkers situation I’m sure they interpret our relationship the same way. To them I say you try living with someone with ADD and memory issues and come back in a week”. You think it’s fun to have to be in charge of the calendar and have to remind someone constantly? It’s not. It took a long time to get a system that worked for both of us.
I really don’t see how either makes a person “whipped”. To me we are a team.
But I really think in a lot of cases it’s a handy way to buy time, personally.
See I think that could be him just trying to buy time if he really doesn’t want to work your shift or wants time to think about it. “Let me talk to my wife” allows him to not have to commit in the spot but decide later if he wants to or not.
But it also might be courtesy. With mine, he forgets things we have scheduled. If he committed to working your shift it might turn out to be “that’s the day the guy from the water treatment company is coming, you said you’d be here to meet him”. And he’d say “oh yeah, I forgot about that”. Same thing if he has a doctors appointment or something, he forgets (ADD plus too much drinking when he was younger). I keep track of all that, even putting it in his calendar isn’t enough.
There were several times early on where he’d make plans with me (once to have Christmas dinner with my family) then I’d remind him a week before and he’d say “oh, I forget, and I made plans to see my daughter that day”. Or he’d make plans to have a bunch of people (family) over on a Friday night, forgetting that I have to get up at 5am because I’m working that Saturday. So it took several arguments before he would start to check with me first. Again it’s courtesy.
When he’d then tell the person “I already had plans with ocnjgirl that I forgot about so I can’t make it” I’m quite sure it looked to them like I was dictating his life and that my priorities come first but it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with “you already made a commitment for that day”. But like the way you interpret your coworkers situation I’m sure they interpret our relationship the same way. To them I say you try living with someone with ADD and memory issues and come back in a week”. You think it’s fun to have to be in charge of the calendar and have to remind someone constantly? It’s not. It took a long time to get a system that worked for both of us.
I really don’t see how either makes a person “whipped”. To me we are a team.
But I really think in a lot of cases it’s a handy way to buy time, personally.
Those were my thoughts too. My husband always double books things, despite being on the calendar. If someone asks me to do something, and I'm not sure I want to, I always use the "let me check with DH if we have anything planned."
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
See I think that could be him just trying to buy time if he really doesn’t want to work your shift or wants time to think about it. “Let me talk to my wife” allows him to not have to commit in the spot but decide later if he wants to or not.
But it also might be courtesy. With mine, he forgets things we have scheduled. If he committed to working your shift it might turn out to be “that’s the day the guy from the water treatment company is coming, you said you’d be here to meet him”. And he’d say “oh yeah, I forgot about that”. Same thing if he has a doctors appointment or something, he forgets (ADD plus too much drinking when he was younger). I keep track of all that, even putting it in his calendar isn’t enough.
There were several times early on where he’d make plans with me (once to have Christmas dinner with my family) then I’d remind him a week before and he’d say “oh, I forget, and I made plans to see my daughter that day”. Or he’d make plans to have a bunch of people (family) over on a Friday night, forgetting that I have to get up at 5am because I’m working that Saturday. So it took several arguments before he would start to check with me first. Again it’s courtesy.
When he’d then tell the person “I already had plans with ocnjgirl that I forgot about so I can’t make it” I’m quite sure it looked to them like I was dictating his life and that my priorities come first but it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with “you already made a commitment for that day”. But like the way you interpret your coworkers situation I’m sure they interpret our relationship the same way. To them I say you try living with someone with ADD and memory issues and come back in a week”. You think it’s fun to have to be in charge of the calendar and have to remind someone constantly? It’s not. It took a long time to get a system that worked for both of us.
I really don’t see how either makes a person “whipped”. To me we are a team.
But I really think in a lot of cases it’s a handy way to buy time, personally.
Same here. I am guessing some find it difficult to understand mutual courtesy in a partnership/marriage.
I think it is great that "I better ask my wife first" can carry so many meanings and only those who really know us and care about us really know what it means. One thing I noticed is that people love to point out that family comes first. So saying they need to ask their spouse first can mean just that - family comes first.
I don't take that route because everything I do has to benefit my family. So if I plan something without checking in, my spouse automatically assumes the best in my intentions if it was something unexpected. If there is conflict, he lets me know, I consider it, we talk it over and make any adjustments to my plans if needed. Most of the time, he goes along. However, in the future, I take his concerns into consideration and speak up for him on his behalf.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
