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Gaslighting tends to be a behavior of manipulating someone’s view of reality. In the OP’s scenario, a gaslighter would likely act like he doesn’t even believe the OP is being ignored and is just acting like it because she’s a narcissist who wants everyone to pay attention to her. In other words, he would turn it around on her to make it seem like it is her fault.
In the OP’s case, her friend just talked about what he did to improve his situation. My guess is that I am not sure he knows why people are ignoring the OP and was just talking about what he did for himself. I don’t think he was trying to be malicious in saying that older people tend to be ignored. That is more likely.
But I never told him that I was being ignored all the time or often. All I said was it bothers me when it does happen. And it probably bothers everyone. I wasn't asking him for the solution.
He jumped right to the conclusion that I am ignored all the time because I look old. I don't actually think women look old just because they don't dye their hair. It depends more on how you take care of your physical and mental health.
Anyway, he saw it all through his own perspective, not mine. He is obsessed with trying to not look old. The reality is, hair dye does not make anyone look younger.
But I never told him that I was being ignored all the time or often. All I said was it bothers me when it does happen. And it probably bothers everyone. I wasn't asking him for the solution.
He jumped right to the conclusion that I am ignored all the time because I look old. I don't actually think women look old just because they don't dye their hair. It depends more on how you take care of your physical and mental health.
Anyway, he saw it all through his own perspective, not mine. He is obsessed with trying to not look old. The reality is, hair dye does not make anyone look younger.
Yes, but seeing something through your own perspective is not gaslighting. The reality is that we cannot truly see something through someone else’s perspective. I think this is just a difference in personality type. Some people discuss situations with hopes they can have a solution while others do so hoping for empathy or sympathy.
Yes, but seeing something through your own perspective is not gaslighting. The reality is that we cannot truly see something through someone else’s perspective. I think this is just a difference in personality type. Some people discuss situations with hopes they can have a solution while others do so hoping for empathy or sympathy.
Yes, it is hard to feel understood. Especially between males and females. He often talks to me about experiences where someone wasn't nice to him, and I think I am able to seem sympathetic. He isn't as good at that as I am. Sometimes I feel connections with people, and that is a nice feeling. It doesn't happen every day though.
Gaslighting tends to be a behavior of manipulating someone’s view of reality. In the OP’s scenario, a gaslighter would likely act like he doesn’t even believe the OP is being ignored and is just acting like it because she’s a narcissist who wants everyone to pay attention to her. In other words, he would turn it around on her to make it seem like it is her fault.
In the OP’s case, her friend just talked about what he did to improve his situation. My guess is that I am not sure he knows why people are ignoring the OP and was just talking about what he did for himself. I don’t think he was trying to be malicious in saying that older people tend to be ignored. That is more likely.
The first thing the friend said, though, was, that she wasn't being ignored. He denied she had a valid claim. Then he followed that up with the story about how he improved his situation by dressing better. This, even though the OP had made it clear in prior conversations, that she dresses well and her style of dress is not an issue. So OP felt, that the implied message the friend was sending, was that her choice of clothing was a factor in her occasionally being ignored. It came across as a double-gaslighting, if I understood the OP correctly.
The first thing the friend said, though, was, that she wasn't being ignored. He denied she had a valid claim. Then he followed that up with the story about how he improved his situation by dressing better. This, even though the OP had made it clear in prior conversations, that she dresses well and her style of dress is not an issue. So OP felt, that the implied message the friend was sending, was that her choice of clothing was a factor in her occasionally being ignored. It came across as a double-gaslighting, if I understood the OP correctly.
Yes, that is how I looked at it, a sort of double gaslighting. Not necessarily malicious, probably just carelessness. Having real empathy is hard, it takes energy, and not everyone is good at it.
It is so easy to make people feel bad, all we have to do is be careless and not pay attention.
I think this guy means well, but he doesn't have good listening skills and is very much in his own mind. Maybe gaslighting can be defined as any time we do not acknowledge another person's reality, any time we don't have enough empathy.
He's a guy. It's just the way he is. But he's your friend. Cut him some slack.
Don't read too much into it.
Btw, I'm totally unclear what gaslighting even means. I try to play nice. I was on the phone with my son and he kind of jumped on me claiming I was gaslighting him. Wha?? No! I wouldn't intentionally even if I knew how!
He's a guy. It's just the way he is. But he's your friend. Cut him some slack.
Don't read too much into it.
Btw, I'm totally unclear what gaslighting even means. I try to play nice. I was on the phone with my son and he kind of jumped on me claiming I was gaslighting him. Wha?? No! I wouldn't intentionally even if I knew how!
Yes of course I cut him slack. I don't have any perfect friends and I am far from perfect. Women aren't always great at empathizing either, but men are generally less good. As one of those popular books said, men talk to impress others while women talk to bond with others. That is kind of true, I think.
What exactly is gaslighting? Well, anything that resembles the movies, where the man tried to make the woman think she was crazy. She saw the lights get dimmer, and he denied it.
So any time we experience something and another person denies the reality of our experience, it can feel like gaslighting. However, in the movies it was intentional and malicious. So maybe a lot of what we experience as gaslighting isn't really, because it was not done intentionally for a bad reason. Most of the time I think it's just negligence. Like I said, listening is hard work and not everyone knows how or wants to devote the energy and time.
keep that friend around, bc these days it is a blessing to have one. All virtual friends are not worth one of the real friend next to you. Having a person to conversate with is way cheaper than to keep spending money on useless psychoterapists seasons
I have a friend who I think gaslights me, but he doesn't seem at all aware of it. For example, I told him I thought someone was impolite to me and treated me like I was invisible. ...
He was saying things that made me feel bad, and then denying that anything he said was a criticism of me.
...
First, never give someone enough power over you to "make you feel bad." You are allowing them to determine your well-being. You are responsible for your own happiness. If someone makes you feel bad, walk away.
As for gaslighting, or what I refer to as minimalizing the feelings of others, people with low self-esteem that cannot feel good about themselves. Again. Walk away. Don't emote. Don't waste your time and energy. Just leave them standing and find others that like you and are happy for you when you are happy, and supportive when you are not.
First, never give someone enough power over you to "make you feel bad." You are allowing them to determine your well-being. You are responsible for your own happiness. If someone makes you feel bad, walk away.
As for gaslighting, or what I refer to as minimalizing the feelings of others, people with low self-esteem that cannot feel good about themselves. Again. Walk away. Don't emote. Don't waste your time and energy. Just leave them standing and find others that like you and are happy for you when you are happy, and supportive when you are not.
I doubt things can ever be that simple. People make each other feel bad all the time, mostly not intentionally, and it's usually very subtle.
Just walk away from anyone who doesn't say nice things about me? Then I would be living in a protective bubble, and I never would benefit from criticism. We NEED to hear things about ourselves sometimes that make us feel bad.
For example, since I retired from working my full time hobby is music. We musicians are always wondering what others think of our music. That is natural, and could not be otherwise. If I only listened to positive comments about my music, I would think I was better than I am. I would not have a realistic picture of my abilities.
I am OFTEN made to feel bad, when my music seems to not be appreciated. Should I avoid all situations where that might happen? If I did, I would never perform in public. And neither would any other performer.
Of course, we can't let other people drag us down into despair. Criticism is not always valuable, and very often it results from envy or ignorance.
There are many difficult balances to strive for. I strongly disagree with that advice, heard so often, that we should only associate with people who make us feel good all the time.
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