Is Introversion Now Autism? (narcissistic, attractive, abusive, introvert)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think I might disagree. Just because I'm not the type to throw on a lampshade and kick up my heels is no reason for anyone to assume I'm not interested in getting invited and going along. It's the assumption that being shy and quiet I won't enjoy myself so 'why bother asking' that gets me. I happen to like watching other people dance around in their lampshades.
I happen to like really extroverts most of the time btw, married one and raised another.
Or maybe its just that you don't ask to be included, so they don't include you. They probably don't even think about you since you are shy and quiet.
I'm wondering if the OP's group is the same one she complains that they always go out to lunch after an activity and she declines? From the standpoint that if you decline invitations a lot, people will stop inviting you in general.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I think my bottom line on this thread is that some people are jerks and it hasn't got anything much to do with introversion, extroversion, or the Autism spectrum. Some people do a jerky behavior of labeling people, or excluding them from things, "othering" of those who don't really deserve it. Some people do jerky behaviors that they are not self-aware about, that rub other individuals the wrong way somehow, and get excluded and think they know why..."because I'm a little different"...but in fact they acted abrasively and just don't really see it...so the excluding they are receiving is more deserved than they know, it's just that those who are doing it are not explaining it to them. Fact is, most people don't feel comfortable delivering honest criticism to people because they don't know how it'll be received. So they just avoid conflict by avoiding the person who makes them uncomfortable. That may come off as passive aggressive, sometimes it is, but it's pretty common.
I mean, we had a regular poster who often expressed pretty offputting (to anyone outside of his echo chamber) sentiments and had concluded that his old guy buddies didn't want to hang out anymore because their wives (and therefore all wives) were tyrants telling them they could not come out and play. And if not that, then because they were weenie simps to their domineering wives. No WAY it was because these dudes outgrew any desire to hang out and listen to this man talk the way he talks? Couldn't possibly be because they got some different perspectives and priorities, but said complainer did not? He's one example but I've known others...who just act in ways that most are not comfortable with, but have no real awareness of it. But no one sits them down and says, "Look..." because they assume (probably correctly) that said person will get defensive. So they make polite excuses. And the excluded individual then tries to guess at the reasoning, often projecting their own negative opinions about society and people onto the situation...which...is also pretty human to do.
And in the situations put forth by OP, I don't feel like we know any of the parties well enough to say what's truly going on. Who is the jerk. We just don't know.
And we might wish that people would just be more honest about why they don't want to socialize with someone, why they feel a desire to exclude them...bypass the "labels" and whatever and just say what's on their mind... But be honest with yourself, though, if someone sat you down and explained the real reasons that they don't like you, how would you (rhetorical you, meaning most any of us) actually take that? Would you explain, defend, get hurt or angry? I suspect that it might depend on how invested you were in the idea of being liked. I like to think that I'd be able to shrug it off, reply with, "Hey that's fair, I'm not everyone's cuppa tea" and get on with my life...but in truth, it might depend on the person and situation. I don't know.
Agreed. I am friendly and social, but that has a time limit. As an introvert, it’s like having my battery drained, so it needs to be recharged by being alone or at least in quiet. I’ve always preferred friendships one on one instead of a group.
What I often see confused is shyness and introversion. Shy people may skew toward introversion but all introverts are not shy. I don’t have social anxiety or a fear of talking to others.
I agree with this and can so relate! I can be friendly and social but need down time for myself and also, I prefer one on one as well.
I think my bottom line on this thread is that some people are jerks and it hasn't got anything much to do with introversion, extroversion, or the Autism spectrum. Some people do a jerky behavior of labeling people, or excluding them from things, "othering" of those who don't really deserve it. Some people do jerky behaviors that they are not self-aware about, that rub other individuals the wrong way somehow, and get excluded and think they know why..."because I'm a little different"...but in fact they acted abrasively and just don't really see it...so the excluding they are receiving is more deserved than they know, it's just that those who are doing it are not explaining it to them. Fact is, most people don't feel comfortable delivering honest criticism to people because they don't know how it'll be received. So they just avoid conflict by avoiding the person who makes them uncomfortable. That may come off as passive aggressive, sometimes it is, but it's pretty common.
I mean, we had a regular poster who often expressed pretty offputting (to anyone outside of his echo chamber) sentiments and had concluded that his old guy buddies didn't want to hang out anymore because their wives (and therefore all wives) were tyrants telling them they could not come out and play. And if not that, then because they were weenie simps to their domineering wives. No WAY it was because these dudes outgrew any desire to hang out and listen to this man talk the way he talks? Couldn't possibly be because they got some different perspectives and priorities, but said complainer did not? He's one example but I've known others...who just act in ways that most are not comfortable with, but have no real awareness of it. But no one sits them down and says, "Look..." because they assume (probably correctly) that said person will get defensive. So they make polite excuses. And the excluded individual then tries to guess at the reasoning, often projecting their own negative opinions about society and people onto the situation...which...is also pretty human to do.
And in the situations put forth by OP, I don't feel like we know any of the parties well enough to say what's truly going on. Who is the jerk. We just don't know.
And we might wish that people would just be more honest about why they don't want to socialize with someone, why they feel a desire to exclude them...bypass the "labels" and whatever and just say what's on their mind... But be honest with yourself, though, if someone sat you down and explained the real reasons that they don't like you, how would you (rhetorical you, meaning most any of us) actually take that? Would you explain, defend, get hurt or angry? I suspect that it might depend on how invested you were in the idea of being liked. I like to think that I'd be able to shrug it off, reply with, "Hey that's fair, I'm not everyone's cuppa tea" and get on with my life...but in truth, it might depend on the person and situation. I don't know.
Your last paragraph reminds me of men here and elsewhere almost demanding that women tell them why they're not interested. I'm like, they really don't want to know. First, they want to lawyer up and object to the reason. Or, they'll be hurt. And then the odds are high her reason wouldn't generalize, so even if he's interested in learning something, her disinterest might not mean the next women is disinterested. I wouldn't ask in that scenario or the one you're suggesting.
I think being an introvert is something more of a neutral thing than it was 30 or 40 years ago. I always felt a bit like a broken or undeveloped extravert, and while some of that was my doing, the people around me and the culture at large mostly felt the same. I kind of wish I had owned my introversion more completely when young, along with embracing the idea that my tribe is out there waiting for me to find them. Though it wasn't then and isn't now the fate or all introverts, I often felt like a square peg. Again, some of that was me but some was context.
The last few decades there's more space for introverts to feel OK or even good about their social style. That's cool.
Some people need to accept that they're conflict-avoidant and that it's a problem they choose not to work on. Call it being "polite", self-aware or whatever other euphemism that makes you feel comfortable about masking true feelings to keep the "peace", when it just makes matters worse.
I've come across plenty of people who complained about someone else's personality and that person didn't bother me. They are who they are. I might dim my personality when I'm with such a person b/c it won't end well. But if that person pushes me, I will respond. And it usually takes people back because they assumed something that was wrong. If that person gets offended and chooses not to interact with me again, so be it. Sometimes that's the cost of standing up for yourself. A price some people aren't willing to pay.
So many people gossip behind other people's backs, poisoning the well for those who could have a totally different relationship with a person you're intimidated by b/c you don't have the courage to stand up for yourself when necessary. Don't blame others for that. Gossipy "polite" people are far more insidious and dangerous than an "abraisive" honest person.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
