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3. Who is not accepting you, and how do you know?
I wasn't really talking about accepting in the specific group of friends acceptance but more about the general societal expectations.
As an analogy I'll use physical limitations. I am very nearsighted but not legally blind. Even now I find that people make comments on some of my behavior that is either compensating for being unable to see something or making it so I can see something (moving closer, reading with something closer to my face, choosing to let someone else read something and then asking them about it, almost always being the second person to say hi when I meet someone because I need to get closer to make sure it is someone I know, or going with a known default option because it saves having to read something that is too small or far away) because they make the assumption that I my glasses fully correct my vision. It is a reasonable assumption, in many situations I do look fully sighted, but it is also wrong. Many of the comments are not strictly negative but they still serve to single me out as other than normal. These assumptions and the general fact that the world is set up for people with normal vision are my baseline for examining some of the same issues with personality and normality.
I find some of the same reactions to people who are less neurotypical but not known to have a medical diagnosis. Unlike with my physical limitations this is mostly something I've observed not experienced. I'm definitely introverted, probably demisexual, and possibly have some form of ADD or ADHD but mask, compensate, and otherwise get along just fine. What I notice is that I am included in conversations where everyone else is verbally putting down the professional effectiveness and personal behavior of specific other people (not in the conversation) who are "introverts" by which they mean both normal introversion but also some level of social awkwardness and and a quiet personality. The people in question strike me as very similar to adult versions of the students I have taught who have diagnosed autism, sensory sensitivity, and some forms of ADD/ADHD but because these adults in question are also quiet and introverted they don't go around announcing whether or not they have such a diagnosis. Meanwhile the more extroverted people who display some of the same symptoms of high functioning autism, social anxiety and awkwardness, and some level of ADD/ADHD but who freely announce to the world "you just have to deal with me! I act this way because my brain is weird! I have X." get a pass in the conversation.
The definite feeling is that you are ok if you can pass for normal/neurotypical or if you can be reliably put in a distinct special category but the unlabelled middle ground is still problematic.
I think that a lot of extroverts are actually really sensitive (as in, touchy) insecure people.
Some of them definitely resent others for having the courage to be themselves. That's the basis for their ridicule. Wanting you to feel bad about yourself because they feel bad about themselves but are good (better?) at hiding it.
I dislike using examples from my life these days (all those people who think I'm this or that somehow find me interesting enough to spy on my internet activity), but there's one that comes to mind. A super social person who always claimed to really be an introvert. I always thought to myself, "Where??" Like, do you think saying that makes you sound cool or mysterious? One of the least likely people for introversion, judging by their behaviors. But people will surprise you. If they're telling the truth, I feel sorry for them. Sounds like an exhausting way to live.
Some of them definitely resent others for having the courage to be themselves. That's the basis for their ridicule. Wanting you to feel bad about yourself because they feel bad about themselves but are good (better?) at hiding it.
I dislike using examples from my life these days (all those people who think I'm this or that somehow find me interesting enough to spy on my internet activity), but there's one that comes to mind. A super social person who always claimed to really be an introvert. I always thought to myself, "Where??" Like, do you think saying that makes you sound cool or mysterious? One of the least likely people for introversion, judging by their behaviors. But people will surprise you. If they're telling the truth, I feel sorry for them. Sounds like an exhausting way to live.
Meh. I've had people exclaim that there is no way I could be an introvert. Because for the most part I am chatty, opinionated, and outgoing.
That does not change the fact that socializing tires me out, and I need a lot of "alone" (because my husband is usually around) time.
But people's initial opinion on me has varied from "super intimidating" to "you make everyone feel good about themselves" which are kinda opposites. It depends on the situation, the people, my mood, and whether or not I am already burnt out from too much socializing.
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Some of them definitely resent others for having the courage to be themselves. That's the basis for their ridicule. Wanting you to feel bad about yourself because they feel bad about themselves but are good (better?) at hiding it.
I dislike using examples from my life these days (all those people who think I'm this or that somehow find me interesting enough to spy on my internet activity), but there's one that comes to mind. A super social person who always claimed to really be an introvert. I always thought to myself, "Where??" Like, do you think saying that makes you sound cool or mysterious? One of the least likely people for introversion, judging by their behaviors. But people will surprise you. If they're telling the truth, I feel sorry for them. Sounds like an exhausting way to live.
That’s as bad as a mostly-introverted person who is just dying to be part of his extroverted buddies’ groups. Pretending to be someone very different from who you really are is stifling, with all kinds of negative domino effects, including accusing other introverts of being antisocial.
I have very sweet, very kind-hearted, very BRIGHT friend, who by her own definition, is an extrovert. She told me once how she always felt like the proverbial bull in the china shop around her introverted friends. Always getting the side eye, always feeling like she stuck her foot in her mouth, etc.
Ever since she told me that, I've tried to see the subject from both sides. And I'm convinced that it takes both types to make the world go round. And extroverts are often the opportunity makers.
Good for her, being self-aware. We do need people of different personalities. The lack of this kind of diversity constitutes a monoculture, in a way. Or flat-out conformism.
People who are outgoing and fun, can make a workplace more enjoyable, which benefits everyone.
Being outgoing / fun and a good worker are not mutually exclusive.
All my workplaces had a wide range of different personality types, and I like that.
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That’s as bad as a mostly-introverted person who is just dying to be part of his extroverted buddies’ groups.
There's nothing wrong with an introvert who wants to hang out with people they think are their friends. Some person said they didn't get invited b/c they weren't "fun". You want to be entertained? Hire a comedian.
Like someone else said...those aren't your people. Find your people and you don't have to worry about missing invites.
OK...
I mean, I'm about 99% neurotypical, in my own opinion, even though I have adult ADHD and chronic depression, because both conditions are, in my case, very easily managed through various life techniques, without meds. I'm highly functional. These issues don't really cause me any distress or issues. But I'm weird. Plenty weird. In all sorts of ways, well beyond being just a little outside of the mainstream. Still though, I've never had much trouble being accepted by all sorts of others.
Very much a side conversation but I would not call you neurotypical. You might pass for neurotypical even better than I pass for fully sighted but that, at least to me, mean that you are neurotypical in any sense that means anything. You definition seems to go back to either you are "normal" and can function in society or you are "broken / mentally ill" and you can't function in society.
There's nothing wrong with an introvert who wants to hang out with people they think are their friends. Some person said they didn't get invited b/c they weren't "fun". You want to be entertained? Hire a comedian.
Like someone else said...those aren't your people. Find your people and you don't have to worry about missing invites.
I think I might disagree. Just because I'm not the type to throw on a lampshade and kick up my heels is no reason for anyone to assume I'm not interested in getting invited and going along. It's the assumption that being shy and quiet I won't enjoy myself so 'why bother asking' that gets me. I happen to like watching other people dance around in their lampshades.
I happen to like really extroverts most of the time btw, married one and raised another.
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One of the least likely people for introversion, judging by their behaviors. But people will surprise you. If they're telling the truth, I feel sorry for them. Sounds like an exhausting way to live.
