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We had/have a super active social life and really mix it up with family, friends, kids, etc. I enjoyed most of it. So to have this sudden shift is understandably a bit concerning. Well, not concerning per se, but noteworthy due to its suddenness and depth.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
I think that at times like what you're experiencing, a part of us suddenly wakes up, that we didn't even know was there.
Yes. I think I experienced something similar at 24 years old. I suddenly realized that the track I was on was not headed someplace I wanted to go... and the longer I stayed on it, the harder it would be to get off. I had a great career, beautiful wife, a house, etc. The prospect of soon having children was the thing that really brought it to the fore.
50 is a different stage of life, and people are very different as well, so of course the path forward will not be the same. I was still too young and dumb to understand what I was missing and what I wanted. I got divorced, moved away, partied a lot for a year, and then got very thoughtful and isolated for a few years. I didn't date at all, and didn't socialize. Eventually I had some amazing internal experiences that I realized all of this had been leading up to. At 30 I quit my career, and lived and wandered about in a pickup truck, mostly camping in the wilderness. Very isolated, then! It was the perfect environment for where I was at the time. Did it for 13 years... best time of my life. Zero regrets.
Yes. I think I experienced something similar at 24 years old. I suddenly realized that the track I was on was not headed someplace I wanted to go... and the longer I stayed on it, the harder it would be to get off. I had a great career, beautiful wife, a house, etc. The prospect of soon having children was the thing that really brought it to the fore.
50 is a different stage of life, and people are very different as well, so of course the path forward will not be the same. I was still too young and dumb to understand what I was missing and what I wanted. I got divorced, moved away, partied a lot for a year, and then got very thoughtful and isolated for a few years. I didn't date at all, and didn't socialize. Eventually I had some amazing internal experiences that I realized all of this had been leading up to. At 30 I quit my career, and lived and wandered about in a pickup truck, mostly camping in the wilderness. Very isolated, then! It was the perfect environment for where I was at the time. Did it for 13 years... best time of my life. Zero regrets.
Cool story, thanks for sharing!
I'm in my mid 50's, and have already made 2 major career shifts, one at 22 and one at 30. Both changes were very, very beneficial and I undertook them with a lot of self-work and introspection. No regrets about that at all. If I can stay gainfully employed in what I do now for the rest of my working life I'd be thrilled.
It's mostly "everything else" like relationships, leisure, social life, etc. I really do think that the COVID upheavals accelerated the "waking up" dynamic and that's where I'm at.
It's mostly "everything else" like relationships, leisure, social life, etc.
Typical social gatherings/meetings seem draining to me, particularly when they are repetitious. It's not any fun... except occasionally as a change of pace. Once per week at most... and I don't mean per person, rather once period.
I like having a close partner, but I can't say I've had any success there... the depth of intimacy I want isn't understood or shared by anyone I've met, though some have done a fair job of faking it. It took 30 years but I think I understand "why" now... but it's still something I'd like and don't have... probably never will.
Typical social gatherings/meetings seem draining to me, particularly when they are repetitious. It's not any fun... except occasionally as a change of pace. Once per week at most... and I don't mean per person, rather once period.
I like having a close partner, but I can't say I've had any success there... the depth of intimacy I want isn't understood or shared by anyone I've met, though some have done a fair job of faking it. It took 30 years but I think I understand "why" now... but it's still something I'd like and don't have... probably never will.
Feel like sharing a bit about the "why"? I think a lot of people feel they can't find proper level of intimacy they desire but don't understand why.
As someone said a few posts ago, it's probably a normal recalibration of your "What's Important" gauge. Like setting a clock or adjusting a scale. Stuff that was important when we were 15 years old is not important when we hit 30, and when we turn 45 those priorities might get tweaked a bit further, etc.
I think that we spend a disproportionate amount of time doing things because we "have to" or "should." Many times an honest assessment reveals that "have to" and "should" are sometimes constructs in our own minds.
Some of these mandatory social events are examples of this; be it work or family based.
I've been very fortunate that I don't have a life where I have a lot of those "mandatory" events. Has left me spoiled.
I agree with this--the pandemic did recalibrate a lot of the social priorities that many people have. I've seen and felt it as both a planner of things and an attendee. You might send out feelers to see who wants to get drinks or go on a walk or whatever, and even when people say that they'd love to, a few hours before you're supposed to meet up, you start getting the "sorry, something came up..." texts and you end up cancelling (which might be a relief) and promise to reschedule (which may never happen.)
Feel like sharing a bit about the "why"? I think a lot of people feel they can't find proper level of intimacy they desire but don't understand why.
This is probably getting OT, but what the hell...
Apparently the profound shift in consciousness I experienced in my late 20s is very rare. A sizeable number get a taste of it, but revert to old patterns. I had no idea, as it seemed very simple to me... though I did go through some major upheaval and terrifying experiences to get to that place... total surrender to the unknown. Nothing, absolutely nothing to hold onto.
It isn't that hard to find a woman who is intrigued by me, but I naturally want to draw them in to the place where personality and "self" disappear, and we are as one... and that is terrifying, as people naturally identify with their "self" completely. So they maintain and manage a safe distance so to avoid the fear, and I hope that one day they will surrender... but they never do. I thought love would be enough to overcome the fear, but I was mistaken in that.
My last wife discovered a few years back that the things I'd say sounded like spiritual teachers she was reading. So that ended up being very interesting for her understanding as well as mine. I thought she would be the one, but at the cusp she turned in the other direction and left for someone else... a man in her spiritual group. That was after 20 years together.
I have a better understanding of the difficulty at least, so that is something.
Honestly, you are in a great place where personal growth therapy could provide guidance in where you want to be going forward.
What you are describing is a shift from being a "pleaser" to recognizing and honoring self. When someone with a history of trying to please others gets to that stage there is bound to be conflict, and there can be over-reactions on all sides. Personal and couples therapy can ease the shift and create grounding. (By "pleaser" I do not mean milktoast or weak willed. Pleasers can have various strategies that shield them in some ways.)
Regret and resentment only serve to guide. Once you get to a point where you understand the toxic nature of those emotions otherwise, they will recede.
Like it or not, you are soon going to be in the thick of it with power issues. If you have been able to avoid them in the past, there may be a flood of them that seem to be relentless in testing you.
I agree with this. You are just getting to that point in life. There's more behind you than ahead and you are vaguely aware of the fact that life is getting kind of short. I would say you need to start negotiating more of what you want with your wife. You need to carve out more time for yourself and your interests.
Sorry for the vague title. Also, thought about where else to post this and decided here.
I'm in my early 50s. Male, married, kids, career etc.
In the last 6 months I've experienced something I can't quite process. I kinda wanted to chalk it up to COVID-era BS but that doesn't ring true completely. Some of you may say 'depression' but it doesn't feel or present like that. The changes? In a nutshell:
1. There are about a half-dozen friends (some are the husbands of women my wife is friends with) that I really no longer feel friendly toward and whose company I just no longer enjoy. It's painful at times when we double date or have a potluck or whatever. It feels like it's because in the past I enjoyed spending time with them "enough" to make it a worthwhile thing whereas now I really do what I can to avoid spending time with them.
2. I have some unshakable regret and resentment about other ways in which I spent a lot of my leisure time and feel this intense aversion to doing any more of it. Like what we did on holiday vacations, long weekends, etc.
3. I really feel this sort of benign selfishness about what I want to do for the near future and don't feel like being too flexible about it anymore.
OK so I really don't want to sound like the angry old-ish white guy because it's not how I feel. Because the first two things I outlined above were sort of brought to light when I started doing things I truly enjoy and with friends and family I actually like, which led to number 3.
Obviously regret and resentment aren't great things to carry around. I'm not a pessimist though..I just have this desire to want to do what I want to do from this point forward hahaha. Is this really what a midlife crisis is, lol?
Ni, it's not a crisis at all, it's called aging. We realize around 50ish that we are not immortal and there will come a day when it's all over. So, we start to do things differently and almost everyone is like that. That's why they came up with "bucket lists". Spend time with people that you enjoy and have fun. Don't "waste valuable time" with people that you don't enjoy, although certainly there will be times you really need to go around others when you really don't want to. But for the most part, enjoy your life and if that means making some changes to get the best bang for your buck then do it.
1. There are about a half-dozen friends (some are the husbands of women my wife is friends with) that I really no longer feel friendly toward and whose company I just no longer enjoy. It's painful at times when we double date or have a potluck or whatever. It feels like it's because in the past I enjoyed spending time with them "enough" to make it a worthwhile thing whereas now I really do what I can to avoid spending time with them.
I am just slightly younger than you, but I'm also going through something like what you describe here. There are a couple of guys that I've been friends with for nearly two decades and I'm finding that they are far less fun to be around than they used to be. Part of it is because there's a huge disconnect between their interests and mine. Also, they're a decade-plus older and spend way too much time talking about how unpleasant it is to get old. And one in particular seems to constantly bring up topics that we've covered to death or that I simply don't wish to hear about ever again.
It's hard to feel this way about long-time friends, but I also need to consider my own needs. Given time, I'm planning to reduce how much time I spend with these guys. Fortunately, I have a new group that I've been seeing often for trivia nights and they're filling some of the void. We all just need to make the effort to find the things that make life worth living.
I agree with this--the pandemic did recalibrate a lot of the social priorities that many people have. I've seen and felt it as both a planner of things and an attendee. You might send out feelers to see who wants to get drinks or go on a walk or whatever, and even when people say that they'd love to, a few hours before you're supposed to meet up, you start getting the "sorry, something came up..." texts and you end up cancelling (which might be a relief) and promise to reschedule (which may never happen.)
Don't get me started on this! The "sorry, something came up" rudeness was the reason I disbanded my meetup group. Why do people think it's OK to back out of plans at the last minute just because they suddenly remember they prefer staying home watching cat videos?
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