Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I had been seeing this pattern/situation happening more than once amongst couples I know.
A man is married to a woman that he loves, adores and desires. He is totally into her and is attracted to her completely. The wife however, suffers with a lot of insecurities that she is incapable of hiding/keeping to herself. She continuously says things like: "I'm fat, I'm ugly, I know you don't want me, why do you even need me in such state, look at my fat ass..." She also constantly compares herself to other women trying to provoke him to say that he finds someone else across the room more attractive than her. Poor husband tries to reassure her that in fact she is beautiful and he doesn't want anyone else and that for him she is the most desireable woman...but she still continues to sing to the same tune. The sad thing is that the wife really is a very attractive woman!
Guess what happens when something gets drilled into your head over and over and over? Don't you start believing it eventually?
Finally after hearing this for years, the husband starts to believe his wife's lies and starts contemplating that maybe she is right, maybe she really isn't as attractive as he thought she is. Starts looking at other women or worse.
The point of my rambling is that women really need to keep their insecurities to themselves. It's very unattractive for a man to see this lack of confidence. There is no reason to manipulate him into constant reassurance, it's not fair.
I don't think we should be walking around all cocky and full of ourselves, but I'm observing that self-confidence is extremely appealing to people around you, and especially your significant others.
That's not exclusive to women. I've had this problem with my boyfriends. They try to test my interest level and loyalty and get a constant stream of ego support. At first it seems like they are having a bad day but after some months and years it gets VERY tedious and burdensome. I'm no angel. I did cheat after years of this with a guy who seemed more confident and sure of himself. I felt more like his lover than his mom or personal cheerleader. You have to maintain a balance between emotionally supporting yourself and asking others for support. Low self esteem really isn't attractive over the long haul.
It does seem more prevalent overall in women than in men, though I've seen it in men to a lesser degree also.
I think women have more of a tendency to compare themselves to other women, and worse, women in ads and celebrities.
Heck, ads are filled with the some of the most beautiful women in the world - who STILL are not good enough. They are airbrushed and modified, whitened, skewed....
If you're going to insist on comparing yourself to others, you'll always find yourself lacking in some way.
I also, for some who seem to lack self confidence I think other women can contribute. I hate catty women, who try to make themselves feel better by making other women feel less. They don't phase me personally - they are merely making themselves feel better by standing on the backs of other women.
I think that it was Belle (?) who had the breast implants that freely told others, so they wouldn't feel bad if they felt themselves were lacking? That's an awesome woman.
You have to be happy with who you are, and it seems in general that if you are, then others are too.
There is no reason to manipulate him into constant reassurance, it's not fair.
You have an important point here. For some women, however, it's a behavior pattern that's hard to break. They might not actually feel that they are hideous, but they share every single hint of an insecurity as a means to gain some reassurance and positive feedback. After a while, they may begin to need to fish for this kind of assurance repeatedly like a drug crazed fiend. But honestly it gets old terribly quickly.
I generally don't watch daytime tv, but just the other day I had the tube on "Divorce Court", and a man was the "insecure" one in the relationship, due to his wife's continuous philandering.
Dude's lack of security was pitiful. It sucked the life right out of me, and it was only a 1/2 hour show.
I could not imagine being the mate that beared the brunt of such insecurity, you can only try to build a person up but so much.
I am just a believer that this kind of behavior manifests itself prior to marriage, unless courtship is of a very short duration.
In which case, I would think that the person marrying a spouse with this much insecurity, has some very serious insecurities of their own, which is what allows them to deal with someone so emotionally fragile.
"Like attracts like", even though it might not be evident on the surface.
Growing up my Dad always told me I was fat. I've struggled to lose weight my whole life. I'm not anywhere near obese or anything, but I could lose 30 pounds and not look like I was wasting away The majority of my ex-boyfriends have NOT told me I'm beautiful or sexy or anything like that. They've complimented me on other things, but generally not my looks. In fact I can only think of one boyfriend who regularly told me he thought I was "hot" and that ex boyfriend was a good 70 pounds overweight himself I've always assumed that the main reason I didn't get married in my 20s like the rest of the planet was because I was too fat - and guys in their 20s are shallow and more focused on looks than anything else (disclaimer - I am not saying ALL guys in their 20s are shallow, just the ones in L.A. that crossed my path in the 90s)
When my ex-fiance broke up with me I thought for a moment maybe he'd found someone prettier. I asked him "do you think I'm pretty?" because he'd never told me. His response was "yes, would I have been with your for two years if you weren't?" Still, the first time I saw him with the woman he left me for, I thought she was thinner and prettier than I am. Maybe that's just my insecurity though.
I suppose I am insecure about my looks but if I had a great boyfriend who seemed to love and adore me, I would certainly make an effort to shut up about it. It's amazing what a 10 pound weight loss can do for confidence though. Too bad my will power is non-existent.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,009,486 times
Reputation: 9418
My dad and brothers helped me come to the conclusion, in my 20s, that it doesn't matter what you look like or how good a person you are, you're not going to hold a man's interest--that he will stray, beginning with his eyes. "It's just how men are".
I see this attitude you describe as more an apology and acknowledgement that they (insecure women) lack the qualities they know their man desires than a cry for attention. My ex was never the type to give compliments or that kind of attention so that's not what I was looking for. Yes, I once possessed these insecurities. Maybe still do--to a point.
And I think society has done a wonderful job of afflicting women--and some men--with it's unreasonable and unrealistic expectations, so much so that we feel we can't live up to them and we're always waiting for the ax to fall. And a big part of that is in the attitude toward women over 30. It's like men these days don't think they're aging right along side us. They think they're still these hot studs they thought they were in their 20s and they deserve, by god a woman in her 20s even though he's in his 40s, 50s, even 60s. Put a hand mirror in that man's Christmas stocking. Men don't age any better than women. Society is just more accepting of men aging than it is of women. There are just as many beautiful women who age well as men. Some do, some don't.
It wasn't til I was in my early 30s I started to see all this crap. I really bought into it for a while. I think there are already enough misogynists out there without validation like this--and coming from a woman to boot. Sorry, MM, I love your posts normally but this one was like making a touchdown for the other team.
Last edited by Whyte Byrd; 06-19-2010 at 01:15 AM..
Reason: correct spelling before spelling police cite me
I had been seeing this pattern/situation happening more than once amongst couples I know.
A man is married to a woman that he loves, adores and desires. He is totally into her and is attracted to her completely. The wife however, suffers with a lot of insecurities that she is incapable of hiding/keeping to herself. She continuously says things like: "I'm fat, I'm ugly, I know you don't want me, why do you even need me in such state, look at my fat ass..." She also constantly compares herself to other women trying to provoke him to say that he finds someone else across the room more attractive than her. Poor husband tries to reassure her that in fact she is beautiful and he doesn't want anyone else and that for him she is the most desireable woman...but she still continues to sing to the same tune. The sad thing is that the wife really is a very attractive woman!
Guess what happens when something gets drilled into your head over and over and over? Don't you start believing it eventually?
Finally after hearing this for years, the husband starts to believe his wife's lies and starts contemplating that maybe she is right, maybe she really isn't as attractive as he thought she is. Starts looking at other women or worse.
The point of my rambling is that women really need to keep their insecurities to themselves. It's very unattractive for a man to see this lack of confidence. There is no reason to manipulate him into constant reassurance, it's not fair.
I don't think we should be walking around all cocky and full of ourselves, but I'm observing that self-confidence is extremely appealing to people around you, and especially your significant others.
Okay, the preaching is over.
I wouldn't say they need to keep their insecurities to themselves. What is a marriage if you can't share your deepest feelings? What is a marriage if you can't show some vulnerability? But yes, they do need to make an effort to overcome and resolve their insecurities for their own sake as much as their partners. Why on earth would you advise people to bottle up their feelings versus finding a solution to them?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The majority of my ex-boyfriends have NOT told me I'm beautiful or sexy or anything like that. They've complimented me on other things, but generally not my looks. In fact I can only think of one boyfriend who regularly told me he thought I was "hot" and that ex boyfriend was a good 70 pounds overweight himself 
I've always assumed that the main reason I didn't get married in my 20s like the rest of the planet was because I was too fat - and guys in their 20s are shallow and more focused on looks than anything else (disclaimer - I am not saying ALL guys in their 20s are shallow, just the ones in L.A. that crossed my path in the 90s)
