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Here is one scenario as I can best describe it from another site.
We have a couple, John and Mary, who have been together for about 3 years. They have a group of friends they gather with pretty regularly. There is one guy in particular, in that group, that John is jealous of. It isn't because Mary has done anything inappropriate, John is simply insecure. He is also dating one of Mary's friends. Mary set them up.
John doesn't trust Mary with this guy. He doesn't trust this guy with Mary. He no longer wants Mary in his company if he (John) is not present, whether they are alone or even with other friends. He doesn't even want Mary around him when her friend, the gal this man is dating, is there.
Mary told John she needs a reason to accomodate him. She is fine with not being alone with this man, but avoiding him unless John is around is a bit much. What does this say about her? John says that she should do it because she loves him, because it makes him uncomfortable and that should be enough.
Do you agree with John?
By the way, she left him. There were several other unhealthy behaviors there, but it seems this was the last straw.
No, I don't agree with John. There is no winning with this type of person, male or female. One of my closest, and oldest friends recently married the female version of John. I am worried about him.
Sounds to me like there is more to the story with John, Mary and man X. No one is jealous for no reason. There is always a reason behind it even if the jealous person doesent know it.
Sounds to me like there is more to the story with John, Mary and man X. No one is jealous for no reason. There is always a reason behind it even if the jealous person doesent know it.
Are you saying that EVERY person who becomes jealous has an acceptable reason? Absolutely not. People become jealous over nothing and others pay for perceived slights that never actually occurred.
Let's not get into what the "real story" may or may not be. Let's pretend this is just something I made up, if it makes it any easier, and focus on John's expectations as I have laid them out. Would his reasoning be acceptable enough, based on what I wrote, for you to accomodate his request?
Mary was too accommodating and John was being unreasonable. I think he's insecure and feels threatened by the other guy. Maybe he's worried that Mary will think the other guy is more attractive or more fun than John and will leave him (John) for this other man. It speaks volumes not only about how John sees himself, but also how he sees Mary. If he thinks she's the type of woman who will dump him because a better looking guy is around, he must not think very highly of her.
If it were just this issue I would accomodate my SO becasue sometimes other people can see things that we can't. But since you say this was only one of many things wrong I'm guessing Mary did the right thing by leaving..
If it were just this issue I would accomodate my SO becasue sometimes other people can see things that we can't. But since you say this was only one of many things wrong I'm guessing Mary did the right thing by leaving..
I think i do agree with you. But feel that John's insecurities were not helping matters any. Some people truly are so insecure, that they make their own problems worse then what they actually are.
I did it with my practice wife.
She was insanely jealous, and would freak if I was even near another woman.
I wouldn't go that far again, but my g/f has her own insecurities to deal with, rather than kowtowing to her, we've managed to get to a state of trust where we can talk openly about things like that.
If a problem arises, we can talk to each other calmly, and look at the "incident" analytically, and see if either of us did anything wrong, or if it was just an overreaction.
We can then work together, and try to iron out these little things.
The same goes the other way, if I have a problem, she'll help me.
It's so much better than brushing it under the carpet, and hiding from them, once these insecurities are "fixed" they're fixed forever, left untreated, they'll fester.
It depends... if this were the first time John asked me to stop seeing someone I'd do it if the rest of our relationship were ok. Since we are talking about a group of friends, it is highly possible that John knows something that Mary doesn't. However, if John has a pattern of jealousy, I'd need an explanation from him, and this would probably be the final straw for me.
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